New Normal

Shortly after leaving Deere in early 2007 I found myself surrounded by youth pastors and hip hop music while attending an urban youth ministry conference.  I distinctly remember looking around the auditorium, certain I stuck out like a sore thumb but somehow liberated and excited for the next chapter of my life.  A girl took the stage and quite frankly I remember very little about what she had to say.  What I do remember is her sharing the story of how at some point in her life the Lord had spoken to her Spirit asking her to dedicate the next 7 years to Him...as a single.  While she ended up married almost exactly 7 years later, I distinctly remember exhaling with relief...at least this was not what the Lord was requiring of me...

You see I was on the heels of a divorce and certainly not ready to rush into another marriage but I also wasn't signing up to give the Lord 7 years of singleness.

I'm sitting here wondering why I remember her story...why is that practically the ONLY thing I remember about the conference?  Perhaps it comes with the reality that in 2013...I will hit that 7 year threshold post-divorce and the wedding bells have yet to ring.  Seven years...really Lord?  Oh sure there has been a relationship or two but nothing I felt was forever.  And then somewhere along the way I prayed that God would help prevent me from unnecessarily dating...that the next guy who seriously entered my life would be my husband.  Well my friends...the Lord in His faithfulness...answered this prayer.  What little dating life I did have...came to a screeching halt.  :)

Seven years.  It's forced me to look back and reflect on what He's done.  Would I change it?  Would I have agreed to give Him these last 7 years if He would have asked?  Honestly, I don't think I would have had the courage.  So instead...He patiently walked beside me...day-by-day...molding and shaping me...pouring His spirit inside me, one step at a time. For a long time I felt like I was living in some temporary state...until the Lord restored my life...my dreams...and returned me back to some state of 'normal.'  But somewhere along the way I learned to look around and inhale the reality that I'm already there...the 'not' normal...IS my new normal and it's beautiful.  I've inserted a portion of this (in)courage entry perfectly capturing the revelation...

Why do you want to go back? Frustratingly trying to regain the control you never had. When a gust of holy wind has beautifully rearranged your hair and the pieces of your life. There really isn’t a ‘new normal.’ Yea, you talk about it like it exists, but it’s only to cope, instead of embracing the daily adventure that the Prince of Peace has set your feet on.

At this point, you can’t see ‘normal’ in the rear view mirror even if you squinted hard to catch a glimpse. And if you try to look back, to find the way back to ‘normal,’ to feel safe and familiar, you’ll wreck yourself, your surroundings, those you love and the miracle you’ve been given.

You may not have realized when you started to pray that life would be so different now. Exciting, nervous, adventurous, more Jesus-dependant than when you needed an answer.

I guess the number 7 in the Bible is a holy number, symbolizing completeness.  7 years for a holy gust of wind to beautifully rearrange the pieces of my life and the Lord to become more sacred than I ever knew possible.   And that...I can't imagine not signing up for.  Is the Lord done with me yet?  Oh I'm afraid not until He calls me home...but I do think He completes specific work on hearts along the way.

Taken at 2012 YouthHope Poetry Slam
Just a few faces the holy gust blew into my life.

Interestingly enough...the number 8 represents new beginnings.   

“Forget the former things; 
     do not dwell on the past. 
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
     and streams in the wasteland."  Isaiah 43:18-19

What is the new normal you're being asked to embrace?

**Disclaimer**  I do not promote or advise divorce. It just so happened that mine led me into the arms of Christ.  Therefore the significance of the past 7 years has more to do with me walking with Him than it does the divorce itself.  Since my own failed marriage, I have learned the saving grace and power of Christ and His ability to transform even the most hopeless of situations.  This is the path I would fight for - allowing Him to make possible what seems impossible.  

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:20

The joy of my salvation

I woke up this morning not going to church.  Not in any major rebellion against God...I simply didn't want to go.  I was tired and not convinced the whole experience would warrant the change from pajamas.  Did I mention I was tired?  I justified my decision by settling in to watch an online sermon by a pastor of my choosing.  Sinking into the comforts of my couch after having put my Keurig machine to work...with a cup of java in hand and laptop tuned into the Brook Hills community...I invited David Platt into my living room.  Not sure if you're familiar with David Platt but he wrote this little number - which challenged all of us readers into a new level of abandonment for Christ.  I have a huge respect for men of God who preach the Word with authority and trust He has gifted each uniquely - but David Platt's humility and radical obedience never cease to challenge my faith.

Anyway...back to my pajamas.  My poor Mac seems to be on its last leg which doesn't bode well when trying to watch an hour long video.  It spits and sputters and finally seems to surrender.  Pause...re-start...shut down...start over...3 times later I'm waving my own white flag.  About the same time, I get a fairly normal Sunday morning text..."Church?"....but instead of coming from the boys...this one came from my high school disciple.  She hadn't been to church with me in awhile and I wanted to spend some time with her.  I look down at my pajamas and at the clock on the wall.  Doing a quick assessment knew it would be tight but with Mr. Platt froze on my screen...replied and ran for the shower..."Be there soon."

But a different kind of morning called for a different kind of church.  I needed something more small town than usual, so when I picked her up I asked if she minded if we did things a little 'country'.  She gives me that am-I-going-to-be-the-only-black-person-in-this-church look and I smile and say "quite likely but you're going to be the prettiest one!"  :)  So we ventured a bit further north than usual and landed in the pews of a church that will forever hold a special place in my heart.  You see years ago in my life before Jesus...my Christian co-workers would share sermons on tape (yes indeed cassettes) ...and by accident or intention...I was put on the distribution list...and out of curiosity or obligation...I listened to them.

From sermons on tape to Christian radio...the message of Christ was shared...and I pulled over onto the side of the road and gave my life to Him.

I was at lunch this week with a Christian sister of mine and shared a part of my testimony that I rarely share.  It's dark and hard to imagine the path I was on during that phase of my life.  Telling the story reminded me of what He rescued me from.  He literally reached down and snatched me from a path of destruction and set my feet on solid ground.

As the pastor concluded the service this morning by distributing the communion elements...the memories flooded into a swirl until they converged into the present...sitting in that church pew listening in person to the very same pastor who used to preach though my tape deck. 

And I was brought back to the joy of my salvation.

 He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
    out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
    making my steps secure. 
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
    and put their trust in the Lord. Pslam 40:2-3

Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12

We believe...

I collapsed into my seat, preparing to endure the final leg of the journey from Amsterdam to Entebbe. I was pulling out my reading material and iPod when a gentleman wearing a fedora gave me the look – you know the one...politely informing me my seat buddy had arrived. He stored his guitar as I stood up to let him pass. “Hi I’m Richard.” Several hours later, I would finally pick up my book. You see, some conversations are just worth the having.

Richard, a hospice doctor by choice – a believer by faith. He shared his stories until I was utterly convinced he had the hardest job on the planet. Through his stories I met a 32-year-old patient and mother of 4 whom he said good-bye before he boarded the plane because she would not endure the 2 weeks he would be in Uganda. Cancer would take her life.

Reconcile that with a good God.

And so ensued the conversation. He wasn’t angry with God or even living in a place of grave doubt. He was merely wrestling. I didn’t pretend to possess the answers...instead I simply accepted the invitation to jump in the ring. And so we wrestled...a brother and sister in Christ discussing what we’ve seen...experienced...felt... As the minute hand repeatedly marched past 12...tears and laughter filled the space.

“Thanks for the conversation. You are very passionate and your faith is both inspiring and encouraging.”

"Your words are very kind" I said..."That’s only because I’m speaking from place of a heart reconciled with a good God. But can I let you in on a secret? I had to endure some very dark valleys before I was ever ready to consider the view from the mountain top."

Since returning stateside - I've pondered how to conclude this blog, initially authored during one of my first jet lagged nights in Uganda.

I've asked myself...despite tragedy or triumph...why am I now finally able to accept that God is good regardless of the outcome of the circumstance. (because if we get to the heart of the matter - our belief in whether or not God is actually good is often the underlying issue)

I believe in miracles - full fledged, infused by the power of the Holy Spirit, unexplainable in the natural realm...miracles. I KNOW my God is able. Quite frankly I've experienced too much of the unexplainable and heard far too many God inspired testimonies not to believe. Not to mention the fact that I take the Word of God at face value and you don't have to read very far to find everything from turning water into wine...parting the Red Sea...healing the sick and raising the dead. Yes...I believe in miracles. My God is able.

So what do we do when the sea continues to rage...our water remains mere water and our sick succumb to death? The place of tragedy - the *unanswered* prayer. What do we do then?

To risk sounding trite...

We believe.

We believe that His purposes are greater than what we can see. We believe that He works ALL things out for good. We believe in His eternal plan not only our momentary earthly experiences. Now this doesn't mean that we don't mourn...good grief we mourn, even Jesus wept when Lazarus died. But we believe.

But it is this belief that is often only solidified in the valley...during the storm...when our faith is actually tested.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21


After The Rain, Artwork by Kendra Baird

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

When these truths collide...something beautiful happens. When we realize that His purposes are greater than what we will ever understand this side of heaven, yet we know those purposes are good....

WE BELIEVE

Back Home - a heart healed.

[reflections from years past....]

Bruised...and badly mangled...barely recognizable from the beating heart the Creator formed within me.

"Your heart has been so misshapen by the twists of Satan's lies that you'd better not trust it for a while. You'll know when your heart is starting to get well. It will hurt so badly with throbbing pangs of repentance, you'll think you're going to die. And you will. Then God will raise you from the very thing that has been the death of you. He really will give you a future."

The penned words of Beth Moore* hit deep.

I had allowed my heart to become a war zone. The wounded needed healed. The carnage needed cleared.

Imagine a path...which the Creator destined for us to walk...surrounded - both sides - by the wilderness...desert...temptation...sin. We go astray...we all do...believing the lie...chasing the idol.

Coming.up.short.

From within the wilderness...an awareness of my surroundings begins to surface. What am I doing here? This is not where I was created to tread. I faintly remember the path. I feel Him drawing near. I question...

From this place...you want me?

In this shape...you'll take me?

Leaving my thoughts...my eyes settle on the page before me...

"Because you know it's your only ticket to freedom, by a sheer act of your will, chain yourself to the wrist of Christ and start taking your first steps out of the darkness. You probably don't trust anyone right now, and you're not even sure you can trust God. You can, but you'll learn all that for yourself. No one can really tell you what you're about to learn for yourself -- if you are willing. Don't worry about the future right now. Just offer Him your wrist and tell Him to drag you home even if you're not sure you belong or even want to go. You do. You're just too wounded right now to feel it"

In an act of trepid desperation...fear almost suffocating...I surrender...hoping He'd drag me home.

---

[more recently]

If I'm honest...

It was not an easy journey - sometimes painful - mostly painful - crossing back through the briar patches I had previously maneuvered (scars bearing witness). Digging in my heals...certain I could take no more. Painting pictures of Egypt...missing the very captivity I was attempting to escape.

Yet my heart yearned for freedom.

And so I believe it was in these moments...

He dragged me.

(Now according to the Footprints poem - perhaps the Lord carried...but given my stubbornness and the hard knocks I surely endured along the way...I'm going to stick with the dragging theory.)

And finally...in a moment of revelation not long ago, I was talking with my Heavenly Father...noting the change He had done within me. Like a dry sponge dropped into a bucket of water...healing had absorbed into my core. And I felt...different...

as I contemplated...He whispered..."I'm giving you back your heart."

The air stilled around me as the weightiness of this transaction settled into my soul. I felt my heart beating strong within me...

Whole. Restored. Complete.

---

I recently looked into the eyes of a dear sister who had been abandoned by her husband. I felt the weight of her brokenness and the fear that enveloped her -- wanting nothing more than the pieces to be put back together.

Oh how I've been there dear one. I've felt that pain. I've worn rejection like a cloak. To some degree, haven't we all?

There are no words that offer enough salve for the soul...but if I could whisper, ever so gently into your ear...

"Don't chase the idol. Healing is not found in the arms of another or the bottom of a bottle. Healing is found in Christ alone. Hold out your wrist and ask Him to drag you home."

---

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Matthew 10:39

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

*When Godly People Do Ungodly Things Bible Study, Beth Moore

Walk on...

Sometimes when God doesn't answer prayer...

in the way that we think He ought to...
or in the timing we feel He should...

bitterness can take root.

I didn't think I did it on purpose. In fact I would tell you that I chose trust...and I knew His plans were good. But if I'm honest...I laid the first brick to build the wall between my heart and His...reeking with intention.

Image from Google
I did genuinely believe His plans were good - and therefore chose trust. But that knowledge in your head doesn't immediately trickle down to mend your broken heart. And I was hurt...and felt like He had a hand in it.

One dark night amidst my struggle I broke down in the safety net of one of my beloved girlfriends. I let the ugly surface. No longer hiding behind Christianese and scriptured promises.

There was a long pause as the tears rolled down my cheeks and off my chin. My frustration so thick it was suffocating.

Sometimes I think it is actually cruel to quote scripture to someone who is writhing in pain. Don't get me wrong...in other moments I feel a timely delivered Word is right on cue. May a good dose of discernment led by the Holy Spirit be our guide.

I was writhing in pain.

And she quoted scripture.

"You know...I think John 6:66 is one of the saddest scriptures in the Bible."

I'm less than amused - what does this have to do with me? If I didn't roll my eyes on the outside, I certainly did on the inside.

"It's when many of Jesus disciples turned away and no longer followed Him after a tough teaching."

Ah...I'm seeing the connection.

"And Jesus asked his closest disciples...if they'd leave too? But they asked where would they go because they knew He was eternal life."

Bingo...she hit the nail on the head. I couldn't be offended with her scripture reference because I felt the Lord asking me the same question...through her...

In a world where so many turn away...“You do not want to leave too, do you Brandy?”

I echoed the words of Simon Peter laced with annoyance...“Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

You see...I did want to walk away...or at least turn my back and let the bitterness grow - but where would I go? I know Jesus Christ died for me - I know He is the holy Son of God and I know He holds eternal life. So what was I supposed to do...pretend I didn't believe these truths that ran deep through my soul? No...I didn't question His existence...I simply disagreed with His ways.

The evening didn't resolve. I didn't get on my Jesus high horse and ride into the sunset.

But I did decide...

to keep walking.

To Be Continued...

May I encourage you wherever you are on your journey...in joy or in pain...in faith or in doubt...in frustration or elation...to walk on. He'll match your pace.

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God." John 6:66-69