roots and wings...

Completing the work

2011-12-10T17:57:00.005-06:00

I shall never depart Africa unchanged.

I attended a well-drilling/pump repair course in North Carolina a couple months back. Amidst the fall mountain air and vibrantly changing leaves, the founder of the training center, a Scottish missionary of days past would daily tell of his Jesus wanderings and gathered wisdom. The class was targeted toward missionaries. “God is forming Christ in all of us…it’s just that we [putting himself in the same category as his students] are so stubborn that He has to send us half way around the world to complete this work in us.”

How painful this refining work can be -- but how beautiful the revelation.

Meet Maggie. She knows pain.

She’s experienced loss.

She’s been rejected.

She works long hours.

She lives on less per day than we probably spend on coffee.

But you’d never guess.

Her smile comes from within – radiates from her soul and decorates her face.

This dear sweet face that greeted us upon every return to the guest house, no matter the hour. Rushing towards our transport…”Welcome Back” in the beautiful Ugandan laced English.

Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

As we were pulling away from the church plant in Pader (which J-Squad helped fund) – Pastor Johnson asked me if I noticed anything about the church. I commented on the building and the commitment of the growing congregation...but then fell silent in my thoughts. Finally it formulated...”Do you know what I actually saw...I saw Joy.” God-given in its purest form...true everlasting Joy. “I wondered if you noticed” he replied.

The outside of the church.
Inside during morning service.
The choir
Pader...one of if not the most physically challenging locations we visited during the World Race...absolutely filled by Joy.

You can’t manufacture this Joy I witnessed...you can’t buy it, earn it, achieve it or sell it...

It makes me contemplate my own journey with the Lord. It makes me realize why He continually sends me to a land half way around the world...to witness His joy...because He doesn’t want me to miss it.

"I am Justin, this is my wife Joyce, so together we are Pastor JJ." And of course everyone remembers Samwell! (who by the way introduces himself as Pator Sam these days.
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1: 3-6

having the same love

2011-09-15T09:40:00.004-05:00

As I pinched the Indian flat bread around the other dishes prepared before me, I asked about their Christian heritage. Seventeen years in America but native to a country where less than 3% of the population professes Christ.

"We consider ourselves very blessed to have been raised in Christian homes. We are both the products of missionaries."

You see in America we view Christianity much differently than they do in many other countries. In Tanzania for example when we witnessed to devout Muslims - the decision for Christ was weighed heavily on their hearts. For if they were to choose Christ, it would mean being cast out of their villages and shunned from their families. While I'm not brave enough to pray for persecution - I must admit - it doesn't leave room for middle ground. You are either sold out for Christ...or you are not. For you are not going to profess something that you 'kind of' believe in. No...either Jesus Christ is the son of the Living God and therefore worth the sacrifice...or He isn't.

She went on to share her story...her great, great, [maybe another great] grandfather was part of a village that had stoned a missionary to death for the message he taught. Her grandfather was so intrigued by this man who willingly gave up his life, out of love, for the people in his village that he begin reading one of the Bibles this strange missionary had left behind. And in that Bible...he met Jesus. He gave his life to the Lord and while enduring his own persecution spread the message.

A few generations later - there I was not only sharing an Indian meal in America with his granddaughter but also a heart for missions and a love of the Lord.

I can't begin to keep up with God and His goodness...His faithfulness or His plan. I just commit to following it.

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” Philippians 2:1-2

Trading My Sorrow

2011-07-29T04:37:00.002-05:00

Paul Benjamin Shutt
January 25, 1916 - July 22, 2011
Some of my fondest memories of my grandfather are our conversations in these later years. He was so baffled why God had not taken him home yet and pondered His purposes for his time here. Almost immediately upon my return home from the World Race, we had a sit down in which he really wanted me to consider that question with him – and not in a flippant sort of way.

I shrugged. “The only thing I can tell you Grandpa...is that if He hasn’t taken you...He’s not done with you yet...He still has something left for you to do here.”

He processed it for a moment and responded, “I wish I could visit people in the hospital and talk with them – people that may not have anyone else to talk to.”

And with that simple statement and a little bit of effort...Grandpa’s ‘nursing home ministry’ was born. He began forming relationships with the folks in the nursing home…listening to their stories (as best he could) and sharing his. I’ll never forget his expression when I went for a visit a few weeks later to check in on his progress. With a humble smile and tears welling up in his eyes, he told me about his ‘patrons’. He pulled out a small notebook from his front pocket and slowly began turning the pages. Each one contained a name and some notes he used to recollect their stories. ”Today they circled five people around to talk with me” he said in disbelief.

“Well it sounds like you’ve found some work God has for you to do” I smiled.

“Yes, and I tell them about the Lord every chance I get” he declared.

Grandpa was 95 years old when he passed...still living independently...still witnessing Christ.

As I drove to work after learning of his passing...I failed to fight back the tears. Subtly the song on the radio began to interrupt my thoughts...as it talked about trading sickness and pain...for the joy of the Lord - though the sorrow may last for the night...His joy comes with the morning. Suddenly His peace transcended over me like the dawn of a new day. Grandpa is on Glory’s side...where there is no more sickness...no more pain – where every tear has been wiped away. He no longer bears witness to Christ in this life...because he sits with Him in the next. Can you imagine?

As I look over my life...I just can’t believe how God has always looked out for me...He’s given me everything I ever asked for. It might not have come when I thought it should or look the way I thought it would…but now looking back over my life, I can see...He answered every prayer. ~ Paul B. Shutt

Let that be enough...

2011-06-15T20:21:00.001-05:00

Be still, and know that I am God...

Days...weeks...years even...
for these words
buried in the 46th Psalm
to take a deep rooted appreciation
in the depths of my soul

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How often our earth gives way
our security shaken
our own strength insufficient.

Yet it is in this place
at the end of ourselves
we call out for more.

And when we do...

may we know that He hears us
may we know His touch
may we know that He loves us

and may we let that be enough.

Walk through fire

2011-06-05T22:11:00.001-05:00

In the moments when I'm walking through fire...

I question...
I wrestle...
I cry.

I get angry...
I repent...

I wipe away my tears...

and start the cycle again.

But...

when I finally reach the other side...and walk a bit further down the road...God nudges me...to turn around...and take in what He's done.

"You may not like my methods...and you don't understand my ways...but you can not deny what I am doing child. I am in control. Always remember...I am with you...I am for you...my love will never fail."

I wonder...what fires are you walking through tonight?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Matthew 6: 33

Let us set our eyes upon Him.

Sitting at the Table

2011-03-31T03:46:00.000-05:00

I was reunited with an old friend and co-worker in the Amsterdam airport as we boarded the last leg of our journey into Entebbe, Uganda. We stepped off the plane onto African soil and moments into our walk, the power went out throughout the entire airport – as it flickered back to life, I smiled and looked to Mike...”Welcome to Africa!”

We were greeted around 10:30pm after we made it through customs by a sign with our names. I have secretly always wanted to be greeted in such a manner. Although in reality there was a much stronger sense of relief vs. false sense of celebrity in that moment. :)

Enter Chester. A man I had not previously met face-to-face, yet immediately recognized due to the Internet, accompanied our sign and driver. I had learned of Chester during my time in Uganda last year. As I became familiar with the agriculture program in Lira - Victory Outreach Ministries Agriculture Project (VOMAP) – I also learned of it's Canadian partner – Crossroads and their field rep who made regular visits.

We made the short drive over to our guest house and settled in for the short evening. Despite the late hour, we sat with Chester on the patio and caught up like old friends, a task easily accomplished through shared passions and a love of Jesus.

And then there were four. Breakfast came at a painfully early hour and we sipped coffee around a table joined by Eldad. Eldad joined us from Israel on behalf of John Deere Water – focused on performing an irrigation assessment for VOMAP. We laughed and enjoyed the company of new friends, commenting on the different avenues that had brought us to the table.

We journeyed to the Kajaansi airstrip and boarded the MAF (Mission Aviation Fellowship) flight to Lira. Amid the morning shower, a blessing in Uganda's rainy season, we all breathed a sigh of relief as our tires left the muddy airstrip behind.

And then there were more. Reuniting with friends and familiar faces in Lira was a blessing too precious for words. The joy and sincerity of a people I have come to love immediately flooded my heart. Pastor Johnson greeted me with a warm hug and a smile...”Welcome home!” as we settled in for some African tea and mandazi.

Later that day...we would sit around the table with six VOM local leaders to discuss the current situation and needs in the region and the life-giving value of water.

Later that day...I would sit amazed by our Heavenly Father who had perfectly orchestrated the different avenues that had brought us each uniquely to the table.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

2011-02-06T21:08:00.002-06:00

I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

Home Again

2010-09-01T20:48:00.007-05:00

I stood in front of the picture that hangs above my fireplace tonight and soaked in the faces as they stared back at me. I didn't want them to penetrate my soul as deeply as they did...but that didn't stop them.

I had just gotten off the phone...from an incredibly exciting conversation regarding future ministry possibilities...yet when I hung up I almost instantly began to cry...weep really. And I had no idea why. There was such joy surrounding my soul...but it was laced with the weightiness of heartbreak...perhaps for the vast need that exists in the world...and probably fear...for God asking me to do something about it.

I guess it comes with the territory sometimes.

I spent 30 minutes driving up and down the streets of Rock Island last week with one of the boys, searching for his brother before church. A couple days later when I picked them up after school...I lovingly let him know I was less than impressed. This isn't the first time he has blown me off since I've been home.

"Remember the promise you made to me...that even when you got older and 'too cool' for church...that you would continue to come anyway." I nudged...

Looking me straight in the eye he responded..."Brandy...you were gone all year...that promise got old."

I didn't want his words to cut like a knife...but they did.

But because the kid has a heart the size of Texas and an understanding and interest in missions...I knew I had a leg to stand on.

"Tyvon I hardly abandoned you...I was doing missions for Jesus."

He let his head sink into his lap...and through a muffled and seemingly defeated...yet sincere voice came his response..."Yeah" he paused..."I know".

While he hid his face, I hid my tears.

It feels good to be back in the neighborhood, to walk into the youth center and see Sr. High boys who shouldn't care less that I'm back in town paint a smile across their face when they see me.

They shouldn't care...but they do.

Re-creating me

2009-06-30T21:55:00.005-05:00

I'm having difficulty authoring what will be my last blog post to this site for awhile. As many of you have heard, I will be leaving in August for an 11 month mission trip - The World Race. As part of the experience, I will be keeping a blog - and I invite you on the journey by signing up to receive updates.

I went back and read through my first blog post, authored the first week I had joined Christian Friendliness. I remember the timid excitement I held - hopeful that one day I would know the neighborhood children who passed by my windows. The thought brought a smile. These days I rarely drive without my windows down, just in case I spot one of my littles along the streets - I can easily holler at them. And there is rarely a time when I don't recognize at least one.

God has been so very good to me in this ministry. My life is richer because of it.

The staff, kids and teens threw me a going away party tonight - and as I looked around the youth center through welled up tears...my heart was filled with praise. Praise for my Creator. Praise for calling me here. Praise for the work He did in me. Praise for the work He will continue to do.

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring

(Lyrics taken from Every Season, Nichole Nordeman)

in His arms

2009-06-06T10:44:00.001-05:00

As I was making the rounds in the community signing kids up for camp...I saw "my boys" playing outside. I had been out of town the past two weekends for a training camp for an upcoming mission.

Before I could get out of the van, Tyvon threw his arms around me. "I thought you were gone for 11-months!" he declared. In the mind of a 4th grader, out of town for a couple weekends indicated that the trip had begun (despite my attempts to explain otherwise).

As his little arms clung to me...refusing to let go...my heart swelled...as I tried to explain the details once again. But after a few moments I realized that my efforts were fruitless...he was just happy to be in my arms.

Afterward I reflected on my relationship with God...and how similar a reunion I have felt. There are undeniably times in my life where God's presence is felt stronger than others...while I realize He never actually leaves or forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5). But in those moments...when I feel Him nearer...I cling tight...I press in...to the point I'm not sure I can make out his words anymore...I'm just happy to be in His arms.

Now I'm not suggesting that it is ever a good practice not to listen to our Father :) ...but I think it is ok...to cling tight...to press in...to be loved.

Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. Ephesians 5:1-2 MSG

There is a story

2009-05-21T00:08:00.000-05:00

There was a journey...I had to take...all alone. The days were authored on my heart and captured in the privacy of my journal.

I recently attended a writer's conference and one of the speaker's advice in connecting your readers is to write from a transparent heart. But...she forewarned...you must be healed from the thing before you can write about it.

It nearly destroyed me.

It completely broke me.

But I journeyed.

I decided to error on the side of radical obedience.

It nearly destroyed me.

It completely broke me.

But I journeyed.

Somewhere along the way, I committed to live my life as an experiment of the sorts...on behalf of the Lord. I committed to live my life in radical obedience, surrendered to Him...and watch my days unfold.

He continually brings me back to a text...which is now inscribed on my heart...

Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.
Habakkuk 1:5

He goes on in chapter 2...

Write down the revelation
and make it plain on tablets
so that a herald may run with it.

For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come and will not delay

I look forward to the day when I get to write the revelation down. I long for the appointed time.

There is a story being written...it is not my own.

Rainy Day Adventures

2009-05-02T13:44:00.003-05:00

A rainy day and an afternoon free from school screams opportunity. A few phone calls and rain spotted clothes later, I’ve got a group of our ‘tougher’ girls circled up for a Bible study. They were engaged to varying degrees with the story of the woman at the well found in John 4. However, one girl was repeatedly distracted by her cell phone. As my impatience grew, I asked her to leave the group, but she took a few moments to explain the situation. Friends of hers had just conducted some form of robbery at a local grocery store and were now running from the cops and looking for an apartment to hide. As the girls discussed alternatives and which apartment was available, I sat in disbelief. Part of me literally could not process the irony of the situation. They were in the middle of a Bible study either stowing away criminals or they were lying; in order to excuse the use of the cell phone. I’m not sure which one I hoped for. Either way, they agreed to finish the study and go home directly afterward.

As I pulled into the complex, it was like a bad movie scene. Cops were surrounding the parking lot and officers were staked outside one of the girl’s apartment. My heart sank, confirming that I actually would have preferred that they had been lying. In a whirlwind they jumped out of the van and went to face the music. I lingered long enough to ensure they were ok and then reluctantly drove off.

As I pulled away, the earlier teachings of the Samaritan woman ran through my head. How often do we look to be filled by the ways of the world, only to be disappointed and need to be filled again? How often is the living water, the word of God, offered freely right before us, yet we reject it and dip our bucket back into the world again?

That night as I turned on the 10 o’clock news, I watched as the police escorted three individuals from the apartment, with their hands bound behind them, empty...once again.

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:13-14

Please join me in praying for this group of girls. They are pulled by the world, yet continue to be intrigued by the truth.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

Maybe

2009-04-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

The brutality of the crucifixion...the miracle of the resurrection.

Unappreciated...

or perhaps completely lost

to me anyway.

Until I looked...

(I mean really looked)

at the cross

from the foot

without separation

without distortion.

In an instant...there it was.

Had it been there all along?

How could I not have known?

How could you not have told me?

Grace...Amazing Grace

There for me?

Waiting...

and all I had to do was look...

and I was given new eyes

to see.

I've carried a quote with me in my thoughts since the night I watched Fireproof. It was captured in a conversation between the father character and his son...where the father admits..."The cross was offensive to me until I came to it."

Perhaps our view of the cross has been distorted from a distance...for many circumstances...and people...even churches...have gotten in the way of our view. But when we choose to sit at the very foot of the thing and gaze upon it for ourselves...maybe...just maybe...we'll start to see it for what it actually is...not what the world has done to it.

maybe it would become less offensive

maybe it would look like grace

maybe it would feel like love

flowing down

from the hands and feet

nailed to a tree

maybe it would cover you

as it covers me

maybe

The Secret is Out

2009-04-01T20:34:00.000-05:00

She leaned over to whisper a secret to her big sister...“Guess what sissie...I gave my life to Christ today.” “That’s awesome!” Her sister exclaimed and her small, quiet voice continued...“yeah...we got forgiven from God.”

As I sat with the fourth grade twins in Bible study only a few hours earlier, one of them asked the question...“Do we have to get baptized to have our sins washed away?” I led into my best presentation of the Gospel and explained the difference between believing and accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior and the purpose of getting baptized. When I got done, she excitedly asked...“Can we pray that prayer today?” Her twin echoed the desire. “Absolutely!” I said with a smile.

Each devotional we do ends with a prayer that I let the girls lead. As God’s timing would have it, that day the prayer box instructed: “If you have never trusted in Jesus as your Savior, you can do that right now.” “We just did that!” they exclaimed.

“Shhhhhhhh….but don’t tell anyone.” they whispered to their older sister.

“Why not?” she asked...

“Because WE want to!”

She Speaks Scholarship Contest

2009-03-24T22:12:00.005-05:00

"If you want to make God laugh...tell Him your plans."

Oh how my life has become a testament to the accuracy of this little quote. I never planned on it being that way and certainly would not have set out towards the goal...but change it? Not for the world.

You see when life hurts...life happens. When life happens...love buds. When love buds...God blossoms. And when God blossoms...our hurts are healed. Only in these moments, may we choose to take the lives we've been given...and graciously give them back to Him.

Then he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace." Luke 8:48

In this peace, He revealed a hidden treasure buried deep within my heart...uncovered after the layers of hurt were finally healed, patiently waiting there all along...

...a passion to write.
The seed was planted nearly a year ago when I stumbled across the She Speaks Conference website. She Speaks is part of Proverbs 31 Ministries. The conference promises to be a life-changing experience for women of all generations, equipping attendees to more effectively share the Word of God and reach a hurting world with the life-transforming hope of Jesus.

My heart skipped a beat when I discovered that they are offering a She Speaks Scholarship Contest for Bloggers. Winning the scholarship would be a huge financial blessing on my ministry salary, but more importantly it would confirm my calling to be there and discover His plans for this new dream and begin writing the story He's already written.

This blog post serves as my contest entry, prayers welcome! :)

I started out in life, believing there must be a God
...but I never thought I’d live for Him.

I started out in Corporate America, planning to climb the ladder
...but I never thought I’d jump from it.

I started out in faith, traveling around the world to show His love
...but I never knew His love would be shown to me.

I started out in ministry, hoping to help broken lives become whole
...but I never knew the most broken life would be mine.

I started out in school, hating to read and write
...but I never dreamed God would write a story with my life.

I started out in writing, fearful to begin
...but I then realized...it already had.

Unexpected Happiness

2009-03-23T10:13:00.003-05:00

A rainy day often calls for the comfort of a couch and a movie. Wrapped under a handmade blanket from my mother...I found myself in joyful tears as the credits for "Saving Sarah Cain" rolled. I walked upstairs to the newly occupied loft...decorated with traces of adolescence...and smiled at the irony of the movie with the timing of my new roommate. As I stood there and considered moving the empty boxes to the garage, I was swept by emotion...of gratitude.

For someone who has grown accustomed to the refuge living alone provides....the idea of this young girl sharing my roof...brings absolute joy.

I walked back to my room and found a card nestled on my bed..."Thank you for opening up your home to me...especially on such short notice!"...signed with a smiley face and a heart.

The circumstances that have brought her here must feel more like a storm than a blessing...but as the cover for the movie proclaims..."Happiness comes when you least expect it."

"Our inner happiness depends not on what we experience but on the degree of our gratitude to God, whatever the experience." ~ Albert Schweitzer

a Sunday blessing

2009-03-01T20:39:00.000-06:00

Sundays do not pass without the true awareness of the blessings they bring.

As my phone rings, often much earlier than desired...I roll over and answer it with a smile...knowing full well who's voice will be on the other end..."you picking us up for church today Brandy?"..."you know I am...see you around 10."

A few hours later, as we roll into church, I am quite certain that we are the only vehicle coming from the West End of Rock Island singing to the likes of Roger Miller. And it makes this country girl's heart smile. :)

After I check the boys into the children's wing...I join the others in the sanctuary...and our row begins to fill as the first songs of worship infuse the air.

From my teen girls...to Chris and his wife and their posse of teen boys...to our other church and ministry friends...our row is complete. And as I glanced down it today...a childhood quote my dad favored, popped into my head "what a motley looking crew." I considered the diversity of our backgrounds..."no way should this group of individuals be standing here together" I thought. And almost immediately I was hit by the reality that we wouldn't be...if somewhere along the way we hadn't all individually fallen in love with Jesus Christ.

We gather after church for food and fellowship...and count our blessings...and say our prayers...all grateful for the group...that Jesus built. :)

THANK YOU for everyone who has made possible my calling into full-time ministry...it is because of you...every Sunday...I am blessed.

God wants you happy?

2009-02-24T10:14:00.001-06:00

I recently got to prepare and deliver a message for our teens, tearing down the Urban Legend that "God wants you happy." On the surface, this may not sound like an "Urban Legend" at all but an accurate view of God. But let's pause for a moment and consider another perspective.

Happiness is based on happenings.

And the reality is that we live in a broken and fallen world, our nightly news tells the tale.

Still, sometimes our happenings do in fact make us happy.

But other times our happenings come with real pain and suffering...and leave us in sorrow.

It is these times which begs the question...if God wants me happy...and I'm not...did He fail me?

There inlies the danger of believing this Urban Legend.

Is it possible to find peace and contentment amidst the sorrow of heartache?

Is it possible to live with lasting joy, regardless of circumstances?

Was Paul "happy" after he had been severely flogged and thrown in prison for his faith and teachings? I think not. Yet we see in Acts 16 that he had joy enough to begin praying and singing hymns to our God from his prison cell.

I've recently begun to dabble in this kind of joy.

This side of heaven will come with its hosts of trials and heartaches that quite frankly will not make us "happy"...but the more I understand about the heart of God...the more I believe that He wants us more than happy...He wants us blessed...

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:3-12

As I finished the message, I could literally see and feel some of our teen's sorrow...for it was painted across their faces...and rooted deep in my heart. So I watched...and I waited...for them to process...some for the first time...that God was with them in their pain...He had not caused it...while He had allowed it...and they began to understand...that God just may have a plan to use it...and for that...they would be comforted...they would be blessed.

Around the bend

2009-02-19T10:19:00.000-06:00

“One thing is clear: God won’t be rushed. Without a willingness to wait, we will be regularly frustrated with God and may become disillusioned with our faith. God never promises us that our present circumstances will always make sense. Sometimes, we’ll have to wait until the present becomes the past before what we are going through becomes even remotely understandable.” ~Gary Thomas

There is something that sits profoundly well in my soul with this statement. If you believe the creator of the universe is all-knowing, perhaps it is worth considering that he can see past the wall that has blocked your view. When we look at our own circumstances, we can only see what is directly before us, not what is down the road. Instead of questioning Him, maybe it is time that we consider trusting Him. The Lord God Almighty who created you out of love...knows what is best for you...and will use all circumstances for good and for His glory.

He can see around the bend.

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you. Matthew 7:9-12

How can I keep from singing?

2009-01-30T07:03:00.000-06:00

I had read in the Bible about this concept of overflowing peace and joy. I had even heard a few authentic Christians speak of experiencing it. The story of Paul and Silas singing in prison, found in Acts 16, plagued my thoughts. I wasn't experiencing anything close to the burdens and persecution that Paul and Silas had faced, but they were still led to sing, from their prison cell. I wasn't in prison, and I wasn't singing.

This, along with a number of other life circumstances, is what led up to my faith crisis. "Either God isn't who He says He is, or I have an inaccurate view of God." In the depths of my soul, I knew my God was real, but He needed to prove himself. I was emotionally done and spiritually drained when I pulled up to the lakehouse. "Ok God...let's throw down." :)

I knew that I 'should' sing in the most detrimental of circumstances simply because of who God is, but I wondered if I would ever actually 'feel' like singing.

But upon my return home, as I walked over to grab the mic during a Rock Band session at the youth center, I thought to myself "what am I doing...I don't sing" as the lyrics poured from my mouth. (albeit without much talent...God didn't work that miracle)

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. Psalm 40:3

Elbow Healer

2009-01-29T11:04:00.000-06:00

I AM

2009-01-28T00:40:00.001-06:00

I Am Lyrics
Artist:Ginny Owens

No Lord, he said, you've got the wrong guy
Simple conversation gets me tongue-tied
And you're telling me to speak with a maniac king
Or could it be I've lost my mind

Besides, I am weak, don't you want someone strong
To lead them out of Egypt when they've been there so long
And anyway, they won’t believe You ever spoke to me
It's not your problem, God replied
And the rest is history

’Cause there's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in Me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you I will show them, I Am

Now Lord, are you sure? He's just a shepherd boy
Too small for battle gear with a giant to destroy
What on earth can he do with five stones and a sling
It's not your problem, God replied
'Cause I can do anything

There's a bigger picture you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me
'Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you, I will show them

I am the first, I am the last
I am the present and the past
I am tomorrow and today
I am the only way

Great Lord, she said, I'm just a simple girl
You say that I will bring your son into the world
How can I understand this thing You're gonna do
It's not your problem, God replied

'Cause, there's a bigger picture
And you don't have to change the world (oh no)
I'm your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you, I will show them
There's a bigger picture, you can't see
You don't have to change the world, just trust in me
’Cause I am your creator, I am working out my plan
And through you, I will show them, I Am
I Am

Clean up work of maturity

2009-01-26T09:33:00.003-06:00

I have a Google alert setup on my last name "Chaffer," I did this after a distant relative of mine informed me that this was how he had occasionally kept up with my family's life. Interesting notion I thought, and my own alert was born.

However, since its fruition, not once have I been directed to anything of interest and therefore have pondered many times to deactivate the alert to remove the email nuisance. But procrastination runs deep in my veins.

This morning, something intrigued me to actually click on one of the articles. To which I found this delight:

The line that took residency in my heart was the following: "my friend jon kever leaned over to me when don finished speaking and said, "that was maturity cleaning up the talk."

Once my father reads the article, I'm sure he will chuckle at this line. It seems time and maturity have a way of bringing even the most zealous new believer into the humble and gracious hands of God.

But I do wonder, this question directed to my family and fellow Chaffer's, are we related to the mentioned Don Chaffer?

Answering the Knock at Our Door

2009-01-26T01:14:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure I can recall a time that I've ever been more fearful as I was while I drove out to the lakehouse. I was on a mission...to "find God." And I was scared to death He wasn't going to meet me there.

When it became painstakingly obvious that I was standing smack dab in the middle of a faith crisis, those who love me advised me to take the break.

I felt like I was standing on a fraying rope in the middle of a hail storm. With the wind blowing uncontrollably around me. I closed my eyes...and rested my chin on my praying hands... "I won't let go unless you bless me." became my mantra.

The lakehouse is owned by the "adopted" (more later) parents of one of my co-workers. They open it up as a place for retreats to those they know in ministry. Therefore, it is very intentionally sprinkled with scripture and evidences of God. After a very emotional drive, with tears streaming down my face and my vocals weary from screaming at God...I arrived. In a huff...I made my way around, getting the lay of the land, turning up the heat, turning on the water, etc. As I busied myself about, the scriptures from the decor began to slowly speak. "Hmmm...looks like you decided to show up after all God." And my transformation began.

"Each of us needs an opportunity to be alone, and silent, to find space in the day or in the week, just to reflect and to listen to the voice of God that speaks deep within us. Our search for God is only our response to God’s search for us. God knocks at our door, but for many people, our lives are too preoccupied for us to be able to hear.” ~ Cardinal Basil Hume

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8

I miss my friend

2009-01-12T23:27:00.002-06:00

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever." Psalm 138:8

When you begin to walk closely with the Lord and have come to understand and experience His love and blessing firsthand, perhaps it makes His time of silence all the more painful. Quite simply put...you miss Him.

You wrestle...and fight...and pray...and cry...and blame....and question

...and you might wake up tomorrow and do it all over again.

but in His time and through His grace...you take a step...and suddenly you feel the familiar presence of a friend.

"Welcome back."

"I was always here."

"But I didn't feel you."

"Which only required you to dig deeper within your heart to find me."

You look around and begin to admire the scenery and notice a few new buds where spent blooms once remained.

"Let's rest here awhile."

In His silence...you must learn how to listen

...even when you miss Him.

From my devotion in the Psalms today...

"Your love, O Lord, endures forever." When you are on the mountain top, He loves you. When you are in the deepest, darkest valley, He loves you. He loved you before you were born. He loves you today and He will love you through all of your tomorrows. You are loved by Him.

Come and listen

2008-12-12T00:31:00.000-06:00

As my grandfather clock chimes and painfully brings me aware of the hour, and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the air...I am reminded that I'm officially "back in school." And I'm sadly reminded that the 20-something procrastinating girl pursing a computer science degree is the same almost 30-something procrastinating girl pursing an urban youth ministry certificate, at least in the procrastination department. This is precisely why I'm pausing long enough to write this post. But in my defense...when God gives you something worth sharing...share...

God ministers to me through music. He'll lay a song on my heart...and I'll find myself compelled to play that single song on repeat during a particular phase/issue of my life. This might last a few days, it might last a few weeks. For whatever reason, when I sat down last night to dive into my schoolwork, Come and Listen by the David Crowder Band became the solitaire song that would march me through this round of studies. iTunes...repeat...the song faintly serenades me in the background.

"Come and listen...come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the Lord...come and listen...come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty...come....let me tell you what He has done for me...let me tell you what He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us."

I have heard those lyrics 100 times by now.

But in the midst of my studies...as I'm reading the assigned book, Deep Justice in a Broken World, I learn the common mistake youth ministries make as they try to inspire service among their youth. Often times they error on the side of guilt, by trying to inspire service through our responsibility to God. Other times they error on the side of grace...which has led youth to maintain status quo, feeling good about themselves, but taking little action to seek justice for others.

As I read a little further...I paused..."As kingdom followers, we don't right wrongs out of duty, or out of our destined-to-fail attempts to earn our salvation. We right wrongs because of all God has done for us."

Immediately the lyrics of the song playing in the background infiltrated the room..."He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us." In that moment it clicked. Why am I so in love with Jesus Christ? Why have I laid down my life to serve him...joyfully? Why do I want to right every wrong he places before me?

It's simple...because I know what He did for me...what He did for you...what He did for us. I know what He's still doing in me.

Fearing God

2008-12-09T22:07:00.004-06:00

"The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else; whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else." Oswald Chambers, The Highest Good

Power of our testimony

2008-12-02T23:37:00.001-06:00

A friend once told me the importance of capturing our faith walks and testimonies in written journals, for reading God's presence and answered prayers in our own lives could sometimes speak just as loudly as the Bible. But do I dare compare my own ramblings to the very word of God? Perhaps the better question is whether or not I dare to see the affect of God actually living in us?

I penned the ending to a very painful chapter of my life tonight. I imagine closing the cover of the book and placing it on a bookshelf. Here it will undoubtedly affect how the rest of the books will be written, but this book in particular no longer needs to be edited. For it will rest on the shelf, in its rightful place, and fulfill its obligation in the story.

That one hurt Lord. It really hurt.

To make sense of how all the pieces fell together, I pulled out my old journals and let them re-tell the story...I now had the ending for. But the girl in those journals, she didn't know how it would end. She didn't know one day it would be ok. I read as she struggled and questioned and cried, yet pursued a faith she didn't quite understand. HOPE I read as she surrendered. I read as she was healed. I read as she found unexpected purpose. FAITH

I wonder what she would think today, if she could read her own words, and understand they served a greater purpose. If she could see her own pain and bad choices, and the good which came from them. And then I wonder if she would understand how marvelously God planned to use her all along.

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. Isaiah 25:1

Finally, I wonder if she would know the power of the words of her testimony. It's God's story after all...she's just supposed to tell it.

That's My King!

2008-11-14T12:49:00.000-06:00

People are not confused by the gospel...they're really not. People are confused by what we've done to the gospel...what we've attached to the gospel. When you actually meet the God of the Bible, our one true God...things start to make sense. You're blown away by His saving grace...His ability to use our brokenness...you are awe struck by the plans He has for YOUR life. You bask in His forgiveness...you are healed from your past...and relish in your new found future. When you actually meet our one true God...you find meaning...you discover purpose...you experience relationship...you redefine true love.

I think sadly our view of God has somehow been reduced to what we the people have reduced it too. He's weak, he's distant, he's unjustly judgmental, he's lame.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't serve a God like that...I really wouldn't. Why would I chase a faith that bored me? People often ask where my passion and zeal for the Lord comes from...to which I can only reply...do you know Him? I've always been a bit of an adrenaline/adventure junkie. Give me a cliff and I'll bail off it...take me to the ocean and I'll dive into it. Introduce me to an All Mighty, All Powerful, All Knowing, All Loving God...

and yeah...I'll follow Him...because that's my king!

I wonder...do know Him?

The Blue Note

2008-11-09T22:10:00.002-06:00

I don't know much about jazz music. But I do know a man who walks the streets of Rock Island who is known as the "Jazz Man." He's been my icon of the streets since I started life in ministry. I see him and my whole heart smiles. I struck up a conversation with him in the grocery store one evening and he told me about his love of jazz music and asked me if I had heard of one of a hundred jazz musicians. Admittedly, I'd heard of none. I have no doubt he has forgotten more in his lifetime than I'll ever know.

No, I really don't know much about jazz music...but I'm learning the importance of giving voice to pain. Apparently there is something in jazz called the blue note, the flatted fifth. It is used to build tension in the music. It is used to give voice to pain.

Last night a few friends and I went to listen to the same artist, Andrew Landers, who ultimately inspired the bed project for the boys through his music. He's a simple man with an amazing talent...and a story to tell. From the adoption of his youngest blessings from West Africa...to him and his wife's efforts to fight for clean water around the globe, he struck a chord in my soul.

Apparently 1.1 billion people do not have clean drinking water on the planet, that is one in six of us. Mothers making the choice daily for their children...drink this water and die because it is unclean...or don't drink this water and die of thirst.

I don't know much about jazz music...but I'm pretty sure he must have found the blue note...giving voice to pain...

perhaps the first condition to healing.

The portrait of grace

2008-11-03T09:01:00.004-06:00

Bringing awareness to a family in need...1 email.

Moving furniture and belongings...2 weekends.

Family of four...sleeping in beds last night...priceless.

One may never know the happenings behind the closed door of another, uncovering our need to pursue grace in place of judgment.

I know every day spent behind this mother's door is not perfect, for I have witnessed it first hand. But I've also witnessed my own far-from-perfect days...

so I choose grace.

For grace paints a simplistic and beautiful portrait. Grace paints an unexpected visit to the apartment and finds belongings put up...beds made...and a soft glow flickering from the mother's bedside dresser...as the candle releases traces of fall throughout the house.

Yes...I choose grace.

Thank you for your donations, thoughts and prayers! Know this family was blessed because of YOU.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Crying for the children

2008-10-21T00:46:00.000-05:00

"I think we've come up with some beds...and I've got an overwhelming response from people who have other items they'd like to donate...is there anything else that you need?" She was reluctant to share her needs, but with some gentle prodding a simple list was built. She paused for a moment...and with a genuine, sincere voice she spoke..."thank you Brandy." How can I even begin to tell her that it has nothing to do with me?

I'm sorting through the responses I've already received for the beds. Your generosity has both touched and inspired me. Adding to their need, I'm also searching for dishes, silverware, dressers, couch/loveseat, TVs, lamps, blankets, sheets, pillows, etc. If you've already responded, I promise to get back to you. Thank you! If you'd still like to contribute, please drop me a line. I'm excited to believe we can have her place fully furnished in two weeks. Oh the joy this brings me! A deep and sincere thank you from the very bottom of my heart!

You have made a difference in the life of a child today!

A grandmother whom I'd never met before came into the center this afternoon. I know her family and love her grandkids. She enlightened me on some realities going on behind closed doors. She wept when I hugged her and told her that I would do what I could for those children. I took a deep breath and walked in to continue helping the teens with homework, like the conversation had never happened. But tonight, her words haunt my thoughts and weigh heavy on my heart. I'm left to wrestle with the question I often ask God...what can I possibly do?

A very good friend of mine recently returned home from a mission trip to New Zealand where he worked with inner-city youth on a film project. If there is one thing I've discovered in this ministry, it is the fact that a hurting child is a hurting child...regardless of what side of the state or ocean they live. He shared with me a poem, written by one of the students he ministered to...

Who cries for the children,
Who are standing in the rain,
Who will lend them comfort, who will feel their pain
Look upon their filthy hand,
Touch not the one badly bruised
Look into their fearful eyes
See the faces of those abused
Who cries for the children
Who feels their hurt and pain
Who gives them love and comfort
Who shelters them from the rain
Look upon their shattered lives
Feel the festering in their souls
Tell me who will lend their hand and lift them from their souls
Who will take a stand
Who will turn away in fright
Who will pretend they don't see the terrors that fill their night
Who will turn their backs
Who will refuse to see
Who will stand and say
These things just cannot be
Who cries for the children?
Who really will feel their pain?

Thank you for crying for these children. Thank you for feeling their pain.

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

Not in my backyard...

2008-10-16T02:40:00.005-05:00

As the set was coming to a close and the evening was wrapping up...the musician led us into his last song. I had joined a few friends out for an evening of live music. I'm not sure of the title and the words are a little foggy...but the main point I carried home. The music and lyrics told the tale of how we tend to build and protect our own worlds...yet find it relatively easy to ignore other's worlds around us, perhaps without verbally stating..."It's not my problem"...or as the song stated "It's not in my backyard..."

I've learned to both love and hate convicting songs...messages...and words. Six words instantly began repeating in my head. "My boys sleep on the floor"..."My boys sleep on the floor"..."My boys sleep on the floor." The boys I take to church with me every Sunday...and their older sister who I disciple...and their mother who I've formed a relationship with...do not sleep on beds since they moved into their new apartment. The boys sleep on the floor, their sister and mother sleep on couches in the living room.

My boys sleep on the floor.

Their mom asked me last night if I knew of any organization who could help them acquire beds. I told her I'd ask around, but nothing came to mind. I hung up the phone, reflected for a few minutes and then went on with the business of the night. Truthfully I didn't think about it again until I crawled into my own bed last night...and then again as the song convicted me tonight.

Now I don't have to help them...it is far beyond my job description. But there's something that just absolutely breaks my heart to picture them curled up on the floor.

There's a family...single mother, 12 year old daughter, 9 and 7 year old sons...who need beds to sleep in at night.

I know there are worse things and bigger problems...but if you feel led to help tackle this one...please email me at brandy@chaffer.net.

Do you have a bed you are not using and would be willing to donate?

Do you know where to get cheap used beds?

Are you willing to donate toward the purchase of a bed?

I'll sign off with one of my favorite quotes from Freedom Writer's, spoken from the character who helped hide Anne Frank during the Holocaust. A quote proven pretty popular around the center...

"I am not a hero... I did what I had to do because it was the right thing to do...that is all...we are all ordinary people....even an ordinary secretary or housewife or teenager can within their own small ways turn on a small light in a dark room."

Perhaps we've begun to take steps towards understanding Christ's love, when "not in my backyard" is spoken for injustices you refuse to accept for those around you vs. an excuse not to engage.

Boys sleeping on the floor...not in my backyard... :)

a story to tell

2008-10-13T23:18:00.000-05:00

I finished reading the last composition notebook as the tears welled up. I brought the notebooks as close to my heart as I possibly could and tightly hugged them there. The tears fell full stream and I began to feverishly pray for the girls behind the stories. In that instant I realized how much I love them...how my whole being wants to see them succeed...how blessed I am to have them in my life.

When I was making the decision to leave my corporate job and enter into full-time ministry, I remember going to the movies alone...with this unwavering desire to see Freedom Writers. I remember the brisk air brushed against my cheeks as I walked across the parking lot after the credits rolled...a sheepish grin drawn across my face as I realized..."I'm actually going to do this."

When it comes to emotions, I've always been more likely to express myself on paper vs. to utter a word. With some of the Jr. High girls showing a similar reluctance to open up, I shamelessly stole the Freedom Writers approach, and handed out journal notebooks. And the girls began to write. If they leave their notebook in the top basket, that gives me permission to read it, bottom basket, and it's off limits. Imagine my excitement when the first few journals found their way into the top basket.

Everyone has a story...waiting to be told...perhaps hidden secrets, hurts and scars from our past...or worries about our future. We all have a story to tell. Maybe we're just waiting for someone to listen...or on a good day...maybe we're simply waiting for someone to care.

On the way home tonight a thought crossed my mind...I don't know if I'm saving these kids or they're saving me...

I know...I know...guess we'll leave the saving to Jesus. ;)

A choice

2008-09-24T21:43:00.005-05:00

When sleep eludes me in the middle of the night, I'm in the silly habit of muttering to God in frustration, usually as I roll my eyes..."Ok God...you've woken me up for something...what is it this time?" Sometimes I actually do have a profound moment with Him, either through his Word or prayer...other times I simply continue to kick the sheets until sleep falls again.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night as though it was midday. "Ok God...I'm all ears." I looked at my Bible laying on the floor, but didn't hear it calling my name...so I decided to seek greater adventures...and moseyed downstairs. :) I flipped on the TV just as Dangerous Minds was beginning. (A 90's movie about a teacher struggling to connect with students in an inner-city school.) "Really, this is why you woke me up?" I said in jest as I settled in to watch. I had seen the movie a couple times before...but this time I watched until the class period which they discussed verbs. They camped on one verb in particular...I watched the outcome of the discussion and then flipped off the TV, walked upstairs and fell asleep. But the next morning and every day since then I've continually reflected on their verb..."choose."

more from The Shack...

Jesus speaking..."Have you noticed that even though you call me Lord and King, I have never really acted in that capacity with you? I've never taken control of your choices or forced you to do anything, even when what you were about to do was destructive or hurtful to yourself and others."

main character..."I would have preferred that you did take control at times. It would have saved me and people I care about a lot of pain."

"To force my will on you," Jesus replied, "is exactly what love does not do. Genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If we didn't have the total freedom to choose...we would not have the absolute ability to love.

God created the world because he loves us.

God created us to love him.

Love is a choice.

The Shack - Is God really good?

2008-09-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

Many people, including myself, have struggled with the basic concept of God being good. We hear God is good...we hear God is love...but we look around this broken world and what do we see? Why would a loving God allow so much pain and suffering? It is a question I've been asked...it is a question I've asked myself...face down with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Is God really good?

I just finished reading The Shack. A fictional book, with an amazing testimony of God interwoven. A thought-provoking, inspiring story worth sharing! I look forward to touching on the many gems the author has eloquently buried, but I'll start by sharing a simplistic thought that reveals a concept that may plague the masses...

This is a perspective in the book from God to the main character...

"The real underlying flaw in your life Mackenzie, is that you don't think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't."

"Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."

The Shack, William P. Young

The unplanned journey

2008-09-06T13:15:00.000-05:00

On the high from last night's Friday Night Flavor kick off (our version of Hip Hop Church)...I intended to hit the bike trail this morning to give God some praise. We have made some very significant changes in the ministry lately, the Friday night program being one of them. Although we are working through the many kinks of new beginnings...we feel God has already shown us very visible signs that we are on the right path. With my iPod loaded...I looked forward to the serenity of the riverfront...

But as I neared the path...I discovered the entrance was blocked. I circled around awhile in hopes this problem would quickly go away. I searched for another entrance...no luck there either...I kept circling. Finally after perhaps my 3rd pass...I conceded to a change of plans. A bit frustrated, I hit the sidewalks and city streets (not quite the serene image I had imagined).

Nevertheless I searched for a new adventure. After inhaling a bit of exhaust and surviving the depths of a few pot holes...I found myself on the trails of a park I had never ridden...but had previously visited. I rounded the corner and pedaled faster towards a shelter. As it came into view...I slowed down to a standstill and the memories flooded back. This was where I spent the first day on the job of my first promotion at John Deere. I accepted the position and joined my new co-workers on a team-building day in the park. I remember having to get directions to find it...I remember skeptically walking up to the group and making introductions...I remember what I wore...I remember getting a picture of an excavator pinned to my back and having to guess what it was without seeing it...I remember not knowing what to call it even after I did. :) I remember questioning why a farm girl was moving into the Construction & Forestry Division of John Deere.

Why was this day so significant? I have started many new jobs, teams, experiences...but this memory was vivid. I didn't have to ponder the question long before the answer came to me...this was the day I joined the team...which would ultimately change my life.

It was on this team where faith was eventually presented to me in a genuine, non-threatening, real way...that I had never seen before. It was on this team...three individuals on separate occasions reached out to me...to share God's love. It was on this team...I was invited to my first official Bible study (they still meet before work every Friday). It was on this team...I started listening to Christian radio...and was eventually lead to Christ.

I peddled not 30 feet up the road and realized I was in my current Executive Director's back yard...and I smiled. Who would have thought...a personal journey which started practically on his back doorstep would eventually lead me directly back there...under drastically different circumstances.

The unplanned journey...was worth the adventure.

There is a love story

2008-09-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

"The disciples' realization that Christ is who He says He is compelled them to obedience. That is the historic reality of Christianity. Understanding this is crucial, for it distinguishes Christianity from all other religions. The Christian faith rests not merely upon great teachings or philosophies, not upon the charisma of a leader, not upon the success in raising moral values, not upon the skill or eloquence or good works of its advocates. If it did, it would have no more claim to authority than the sayings of Confucius or Mao or Buddha or Mohammed or any of a thousand cults. Christianity rests on historical truth. Jesus lived, died, and rose from the dead to be Lord of all - not just in theory or fable, but in fact. With that understood, Christianity must evoke from the believer the same response it drew from the first disciples: a passionate desire to obey and please God - a willingly entered-into discipline. That is the beginning of true discipleship. That is the beginning of loving God." taken from Loving God, Chuck Colson p.40

God has a unique way of meeting you exactly where you are...therefore I'm not sure what other attendees might say was their big take away from the Leadership Summit this year...but mine was clear: Get on your face before God...and live out his greatest command...to love Him. To love Him...imagine the simplicity. All this time I've been feverishly scrambling around, desperately trying to serve Him...and missing the foundational truth...of love. As strange as it sounds, it was as though I heard this concept for the first time. It was certainly the first time it penetrated me to the core.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. Matthew 22:37-38

There is a love story...buried in the depths of all of our souls...

let it keep you up at night...if you don't know it.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Open palm surrender

2008-08-25T22:47:00.001-05:00

I have learned that praying to submit and actually submitting are two very different things. I had become very good at hanging onto those things that I wanted to keep, with tightly clenched fists...all the while praying to give them up. I picture God responding..."I'm not going to take them from you child...I'll patiently wait until you give them to me."

But His patiently waiting took the form of repeatedly teaching me the same lessons over and over again...until finally...with open palms...I released them.

Awhile ago, as sleep alluded me, I caught a Joni Eareckson Tada special on TV. For those of you who do not know her story, I encourage you to look her up, she's an amazing gem. She was left quadriplegic after a diving accident in 1967, leaving behind a 17 year old healthy, athletic body. Her story is inspiring, but her faith is astounding. Something that she said during the special never left me...it was her cry out to God from her hospital bed after the accident. If God claimed to be all loving, and use every circumstance for good...she was going to be his testing ground. For in her paralysis, she had nothing else to gain...than to test God's goodness, his purpose, his love, and completely surrender to his will.

You can imagine Joni will never claim to have led an easy life. But amazingly you will never hear her doubt God's love or purpose either. God uses her in amazing ways from the chair, in ways that she simply could not have be used on her legs. (Some may question did God do this to her? I personally don't at all believe so. But I do believe that God is willing to use the circumstances of a broken world...for good.)

I was moved by her surrender. Instead of choosing bitterness, she chose to believe. And isn't belief the first step towards willful submission? After some reflection, I realized that I was refusing to submit, because I was actually refusing to believe. Refusing to believe that what he had planned for me was greater than what I could create for myself...even in the areas I wanted desperately to control. So with open palms...I prayed again...

"Thank you child...I was just getting ready to pry." :)

This is why we're here

2008-08-20T23:48:00.006-05:00

It is hard to imagine...one of the first teens I met at the youth center...who first made me feel welcome...then suckered me into buying him McDonald's...is off to college tomorrow.

We laughed tonight as we reflected on those early days. The days when I remember being the intimidated girl in the corner wondering what on earth I was doing at the center...let alone how I was going to start building relationships with those kids.

It is hard to imagine that same girl stood on his doorstep tonight in tears...sending him off to school.

I came back to the youth center with my summer intern, who is also preparing to return to the same school...and it was quiet...and dark...and I just looked around for a moment...gazing at the walls of that center..."this is it Christina...this is why we're here...to develop more Christopher's."

Christopher overcame more than most of us can imagine to be able to stand where he is standing. And it was such a blessing to see aspects of our ministry kick into action to bless him. Granting him our CF Scholarship to help with his tuition...and finding a very generous couple...very close to my heart...to fund his books.

Christopher can not control the situation or income-level he was born into...any more that we can control the weather. But look what we can do...together. Don't tell me we can't change the world...it happens...one heart at a time.

Father God I pray blessings and guidance over Christopher's life. I pray in his moments of weakness, you will grant him strength. I pray he never forgets your saving grace and that his heart remains focused on you. He's beyond our reigns now God...but we're confidently turning them over to you...realizing that you've had them all along. Bless and Keep him. In Christ's name I pray...Amen.

Blessed with discomfort

2008-08-17T22:48:00.003-05:00

As I sat and listened to Craig Groeschel, Senior Pastor of LifeChurch.tv give his concluding remarks at this year's Leadership Summit I was unexpectedly moved to tears. I turned my head down towards my lap in the feeble attempt to remain unnoticed. It was here, much to my dismay...anguish swept through me...and the tears fell unapologetically. Embarrassment might have threatened had I not caught a glimpse of my co-worker losing the same battle...as he discreetly wiped away his own tears.

Craig concluded with a prayer for us from a Franciscan Benediction. I'll share with you the same...

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain in to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Some nights I don't like the discomfort that owns my soul. I don't like the heartbreak I have for this community. I don't like the images of the Romanian orphans that run rampant in my head. And I don't like the realities my kids face when I drop them off at night.

But God didn't ask me to like it. He asked me to share in his heartbreak...and then do something about it.

May God bless you with discomfort.

Love, Alysha

2008-08-06T23:06:00.000-05:00

I began reading a youth ministry book awhile ago. I still remember the chapter when he talked about the night he decided to quit his job, cash in and throw in the towel and leave youth ministry behind. But then he got up the next morning...and didn't tell anyone of his decision...and he went into work and started a new day. Some twenty years later, still in youth ministry, he wrote the book.

I have nights like that. Tonight was wrapping up to be one of them. So I was telling God about it..."I'm not sure what you're doing with me here God...except convincing me that I should not be in children's ministry. I'm honestly not good at it...and what difference is it making anyway?"

I walked down to my mailbox and found a card nestled between the junk mail...I opened it up...and He answered...

Brandy -
I just wanted to write you a quick note telling you how much I've appreciated working with you - you are a true blessing. You are called to children's ministry. It was so great to see you interact with the kids. The love of Jesus is so obvious in your life. The work you do is so hard. The ups and downs are there but Jesus is so constant. Keep depending on Him and clinging to his promises. You are changing lives.

I thought the "Love, Alysha" at the bottom was a nice disguise - using a summer camp counselor to cover his identity. :)

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

Two Sides

2008-08-03T23:23:00.001-05:00

While emailing with the pastor's wife, she asked me to Google "cardboard testimonies" and then let her know if I'd be willing to participate in this weekend's church services, where they'd be recreating the concept. (You may want to Google it yourself and watch the YouTube video.)

She encouraged me that they could use a testimony such as mine. I Googled...I watched...and thought "sure, why not?"

Then she asked the obvious question that suddenly seemed difficult, "Now we have to decide what to put on yours. I was thinking about the fact that you gave up a very lucrative job to work with underprivileged kids or that you got saved and soon responded to a call to ministry, etc. How would you best describe what God has done in you?"

I read her suggestions...and somehow reflecting on my career didn't seem to answer her real question...how would I best describe what God has done in me? So I nestled into my couch and stared at the blank document before me...and began to type...her ideas...then my ideas...copy...paste...cut...move this here...no that's not right. Wait...that's getting closer. Hmmm...that's starting to speak to my heart...yeah...that's it.

I began to read it out loud...but didn't finish without tears steaming down my face. And that's how I knew...this is in fact what God has done in me.

You see by the time I came to Christ...I had a past...and I was in an emotionally broken present...and quite sure I had derailed His plans for my future.

So this morning I nervously...somberly took the stage...with my cardboard testimony...

Broken...sinful...divorced...wondering if He still had a plan for me.

but a smile began bleeding through...because I know now...what I didn't know then...my cardboard testimony...has two sides. So I flipped it over...

Restored...responding to His call into full time ministry.

Many brave souls shared their heart-wrenching testimonies today...set free from addictions, adultery, abuse and everything in between. We covered a vast variety of hurt and sin...but people didn't remember our differences...instead they remembered what we shared the same...the undeniable intervention of Christ. God's saving grace.

If you've ever wondered...if there's more...if you've ever wondered if there's purpose...if you've ever wondered...if there's a plan for YOU...if you've ever felt as though everything in world has been stripped away and you are at the very bottom...rest assured...Christ will meet you there.

There are two sides to your testimony.

True Grace

2008-08-01T23:57:00.004-05:00

This afternoon, we had a camp celebration for the 5th & 6th graders to touch base with them before school starts and camp fades into a distant memory. We ended the program with the raffle of a new bike, but kept the prize a secret until the end.

There were two kids in the back who continually caused a disruption during the program. As I'm having a "moment" with one of them in the hallway, I'm reminded why he continually tested my nerves at camp. I threatened to take his raffle ticket away, which generated the typical response, "I don't care." The prize was still unknown and truthfully, like most of us, he was probably plagued with the reality that his chances weren't that good of winning anyway.

Nevertheless I offered him a choice, take his ticket and go respectfully sit down or give me the ticket and stay in the hallway. Moments later, he was sitting with his ticket in hand. But the pep talk didn't last long I thought, as less than five minutes later I was once again holding his chances of winning the bike.

But as the message came to a close and the bike was revealed...one word danced through my head. Grace. I reluctantly walked over to him, bent down and quietly asked "Do you know what grace is?" He shook his head. "It's receiving something that we don't deserve. None of us deserved Christ to die for our sins...but he did it anyway. You do not deserve this ticket...but I'm going to give it to you anyway. That's grace."

As he got off the bus during drop off, I hollered out the door..."You remember what grace is Raequan?" And as he wheeled his new bike up to his doorstep, he flashed a priceless smile over his shoulder, that let me know...at least for today...he did.

Later that night, I passed Raequan on the streets. He was surrounded by about 5-6 kids showing off his new bike. I was still slightly in awe that he had actually won, and I still wasn't convinced he deserved it...but I was reminded...after all...that is true grace.

Worry about Kieona

2008-07-30T23:53:00.001-05:00

Not long ago as I spoke with another girl about God's calling on her life, we discussed how to discern God's nudges. She pointed out a simple discovery..."while God can communicate with us a hundred different ways...he often chooses the same way for each individual...so we can better understand Him."

I've considered it many times since that evening.

This morning I woke up and instantly a scripture marched through my head before my feet could hit the floor. Granted it was paraphrased as it marched...but it marched just the same..."start with the small things...then you will move onto the big things."

Through breakfast...lunch...and dinner...left...right...left...it marched.

Before I lay my head down tonight I realize God's a talking...and as he usually does with me...gently plants a seed and provides the conditions to let it grow.

Tonight I was reminded of what called me into this ministry. I was sitting on my porch, gazing at the stars through the city lights when one of my neighbor girls (also attends CF) ran by...and it hit me...one life. I was convinced when I joined CF that if I could just change one life...one life was enough. As she rounded the corner to run home, I considered the many paths she could run down. And if it is my calling to help her choose the right one, perhaps it won't make a difference to the world, but it sure will make a difference to her.

When I get overwhelmed wanting to impact my city...it is comforting to consider...maybe I don't have to worry about Rock Island right now...maybe I just need to worry about Kieona.

"You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Matthew 25:21

a man named Dutch

2008-07-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

Christina and I wheeled around Rock Island feverishly completing registrations as we prepare for our 3rd and 4th grade camp next week. In one of the housing complexes, I reached for my van key which had been resting in my lap during our journey. Much to my surprise, no key was found. It was the expensive sort of key with the automatic clicker physically part of the key itself. We had been using Christina's key that afternoon, but mine had been with us earlier in the day. Panic started to rise in my chest. Where had I gotten out? The gut wrenching feeling began to take hold with the reality that my key was quite likely laying on the streets of the roughest housing complex we serve. Thoughts immediately began spinning as we headed the van west. If an electronic key was found on the streets, there was slim chance we'd get it back. Furthermore since the CF mini-van is known throughout the complex, it would quite possibly not be safe parked at the center, with an outstanding key.

A trip around the complex confirmed our fears...no key. However, we began asking around and randomly a few kids on the streets seemed to vaguely remember someone picking up a key. What seemed like a wild goose chase, led me to a little girl on a bicycle who informed me "Dutch picked something up." "Could you lead me to Dutch's door?" I asked. A few minutes later I was standing on a doorstep, admittedly with anxiety rising as the little girl peddled off. Knock...knock. A man opened the door displaying a mouth full of golden teeth. I began with my simple questions rehearsed in my head moments earlier. "Are you Dutch?" "I dropped a key and was told you may have found it." I paused... Almost instantaneously a smile was painted across his face "I knew someone would come looking for it" and he disappeared for a moment and then returned with the lost key, genuinely happy to return it to the rightful owner. I graciously thanked him as the door shut before me. I looked over towards Christina in absolute awe as we stood there a moment.

It is hard to tear down judgments, but people regardless of appearances, histories or lifestyles will continue to surprise me. I continue to be a student of the streets...and this day I learned my lesson from a man...named Dutch.

Atta boy

2008-07-09T23:04:00.001-05:00

With Bibles and basketballs in their hands and new T-shirts on their backs, over 200 campers walked out of the last day of Hoops 4 Hope as the gym doors closed behind them. As the 3 day basketball camp ended, the volunteers joined hands and prayed for what the future would bring for those kids.

The entire camp seemed to be held with a much humbler spirit this year, or perhaps I myself was looking through much humbler eyes. I think God does a mightier work when it becomes less about ourselves and more about His glory.

During one of the Bible stations, the leader probed..."what makes you angry?"...and the 4th-6th grade boys in my group shot up their arms..."people making fun of my dad in prison"..."people saying my uncle should have defended himself...man, how do you defend yourself from a bullet?"...the answers may have continued...but my ability to listen stopped with these two. Each time I was forced to continually discipline their behavior throughout the camp, admittedly my frustration grew, but so did my prayers for grace.

During the week, as I took one camper out in the hallway to address him, I ran into an old acquaintance. I approached him with uncertainty. After we chatted awhile and caught up on the changes the past two years had brought about, I admitted "you are probably the last person I expected to see here"..."well Brandy you weren't on the top of my list either". We laughed at the surprising life changes time had produced. I got to share a bit of my testimony as he shared bits and pieces of the way his was still being formed. As as I spoke...he listened intently..."what a story Brandy...my story is so different"..."but it's still a story" I replied. He spoke about the amazing transformation he had witnessed in the life of the guy who founded Hoops 4 Hope, which is why he was there visiting. We spoke about transformed lives and how all stories are different but usually the marks of Christ are the same. I walked away in complete and utter awe. Realizing once again just how big the God we serve is. To see God working on this man's heart...amazed me. Not that I thought he was too far for God to reach, but I just never thought he'd have an interest to reach back. I state this fully realizing the same could have been said about me. I went back to my campers...but not before I looked up and gave God an "atta boy." :)

"I am the LORD, the God of all humankind. There is, indeed, nothing too difficult for me" Jeremiah 32:27

Unshackled

2008-07-08T00:52:00.001-05:00

With a full tank of gas and an unplanned itinerary...my summer intern and I pointed the mini-van Northeast towards Chicago early Saturday morning. With loose plans to visit other urban ministries and attend a Hip Hop church service, we found ourselves touring a rescue mission for the homeless later that afternoon. It was a blessing we could not have planned for, to listen to the life transforming testimonies of faith in Jesus Christ. Pacific Garden Mission is well worth a visit. Visitors are blessed with an opportunity to sit in on a live recording of their radio drama, "Unshackled" which highlights stories of transformed lives and is aired around the world.

Living proof was our tour guide, a refugee from Africa who was living on the streets of New York when he heard an Unshackled airing. He immediately called Pacific Garden Mission as advertised at the end of the program and made his way to Chicago to join their resident Bible program. To see him in his shirt and tie, professionally leading the tour, professing the name of Christ, it is hard to imagine him ever living on the streets. He was so clearly free, unshackled from the bondages of his past.

Through the Beth Moore series, "When Godly People do Ungodly Things" I've been forced to examine a few bondages from my own past. For the first time I realized that I built my faith on top of my hurt and insecurities vs. allowing God to heal me from them. After coming to faith, I immediately went out to help the hurting vs. allowing my own hurts to be healed. Unfortunately Satan uses these hurts and insecurities to stifle our potential. I loved Beth's image of our ticket to freedom when she stated "Chain yourself to the wrist of Christ and start taking your first steps out of the darkness. Don't worry about the future right now. Just offer Him your wrist and tell Him to drag you home."

I imagined being shackled in a dark prison cell and fighting and tearing day and night to be freed from my bondage. After weeks, months, or years I realize the light in the hallway which has been my only saving grace through the darkness has been Christ all along...and now that I recognize Him...all I must do is invite him in...into my cell...into my mess...into my bondage...and my shackles immediately fall away. Now standing in the middle of the cell together...do I run for the door to escape? Or do I chain myself to the wrist of Christ and allow Him to lead me home?

As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you,
I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit.
Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope;
even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.
Zechariah 9:11-12

a glance at Solidarity

2008-07-02T23:18:00.001-05:00

If someone would have asked me what the word meant a couple months ago...I'm not sure I could have come up with a concrete definition. But now the word radiates from my soul. Solidarity. According to one online definition it means "the feeling of unity based on common goals, interests, and sympathies. It is a term which is promoted by many social movements to help create social relationships based on justice and equality." Equality...there's a concept we often claim to believe but I question if we ever truly pursue.

In the baby hospital in Romania as I played with and fed 3 year old Zana Rostas...I could not help but compare her surroundings...a dirty room filled other with cribs and "forgotten" children...with the surroundings of my beloved...arguably spoiled niece...my heart and soul...Gracie Lynn. Why...I asked...how...could I possibly make sense of their vast differences of surroundings. Why was one born into privilege while another into rags?

We weren't allowed to take our cameras into the baby hospital...and after I met little Zana, I was devastated that I couldn't get a picture...but 2 years later...I realize...that little girl's face is forever etched in my soul.

In the end...when I reflect back on equality...it begs the question...does Gracie deserve a better life? Make no mistake...the little girl's heart absolutely amazes me every day and I would never pray for anything less than the very best for her. But...does she actually deserve a better life than Zana?

I serve every day in a community that it is far easier to pass judgment than to ever truly reach understanding. Because being born into a life of privilege...I really have no clue what it is like to live in a life of rags. I serve in a community that has been pushed to the outskirts of town...and fenced in...why...to keep them in? ...because nobody is standing at the gate...to be kept out.

There are no easy answers...and I'm just touching on the depths of solidarity. So I go to the Word to a scripture that reminds me why I fell in love with the amazing works and the man himself...Jesus Christ...

Commit yourselves to the same practical reasoning that you see and have in Christ Jesus,

who, though he was fully God,
did not use his equality with God for his own advantage,
but gave up everything,
becoming a slave in every way,
having been born just like any other human.
And when he had become like one of us,
he placed himself in solidarity with the humiliated,
following the way of obedience to the point of death
- even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:5-8

Christ defined solidarity by example...equal to God...yet made himself equal to the humiliated.

Doorways of the Lord

2008-06-24T09:13:00.004-05:00

I was recently sent a missionary letter from a lady who is preparing to forgo her corporate job to seek a life in ministry. This requires a move home from her current career assignment in Germany. She shared a picture and her reflections of a sculpture on the streets of Hamburg...

"While I don‘t know the meaning the artist intended, it visualizes the doorways of our walk with the Lord so perfectly that I had to take a picture of it. Sitting on a bench on the inside of the doorway is a woman, her face covered in red paint. She reminds me that, at any time, we can choose to sit down and wait for the Lord. The Lord will not leave us nor will He forsake us, we are covered in the blood of the Lamb. Coming towards us in the picture is another woman, she has been bought by the blood of the Lamb and she has chosen to stand up and walk through the doorway. Her hand touching the frame indicates to me that she is unsure of what is coming next, yet her eyes are focused forward, her face like flint. She knows that to sit down would mean to settle for less than God‘s plan and purpose for her life."

When I first read her portrayal of the piece, perhaps pride crept up for a moment as I imagined being the woman willing to walk through the doorway. But if I am honest, I must admit...I have been both. And more recently I have been the woman sitting down.

But not long ago, I was the woman walking through the doorway. A woman who had her beliefs and world views so drastically altered since taking her first steps that she needed a moment of rest..."enough Lord...you've brought me far enough for now...I need to sit down here and linger awhile." And in God's perfect timing and grace...He allowed her.

But if you remain founded in the Word and open to the will of God, something innately stirs you to your feet again. I've recently found myself reestablished in my beliefs, stronger in faith, and ready to stand. Once again, I walk through that doorway, hand touching the frame, eyes focussed forward...not willing to sit down and settle for less than God's plan and purpose for my life.

Trials of a new kind

2008-06-19T08:33:00.005-05:00

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

The first major testing and trial period I faced in this ministry was undoubtedly one of building perseverance and endurance. Perhaps for no other gain, I feel like I was drug through the fire to see if I would endure. I recently attended the Urban Youth Worker's Conference in California where we focused on "Living the Legacy" - as I skim through my notes, I stumble across the following thought, "You can not earn a legacy until you've passed consistency." Perhaps a bit convicting as I review my life. However, I still remember with a sweet smile the day I woke up and felt the burden of that trial lifted. I'm not suggesting that my work is finished or my endurance is complete, but perhaps God knew that I needed to pause for a moment of encouragement...as he cheered me on...well done child...you made it further than you thought you could. And I have.

I feel a shift in the trials I face, undoubtedly with new purpose. God is doing a mighty work in my heart for the poor. I still have yet to put into words my reflections from school and the conference in California because my entire world view is being altered. I keep reflecting on the Moline Teen Director's thought when I entered into this ministry..."your faith will change when you minister to these kids." I'm realizing that as you serve the deeply marginalized, you receive an invitation to God's heart.

Matthew 25:45 is taking new residency and shape in my own heart...

He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

always been "Yes"

2008-06-17T09:44:00.003-05:00

But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not "Yes" and "No." For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not "Yes" and "No," but in him it has always been "Yes." For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 1:18-20

I think of the many times I've sat in turmoil, battling what I thought ought to be answered prayer vs. the reality of circumstance. And then I read this scripture this morning...and a thought wisped by me...

God only wants and provides what is best for us...even when we can't see...even when we don't understand. There are no "No's"...only "Yes's" in Christ. The thought gained steam..."Dear child...I'm going to take you on this journey...and I will only provide what is absolutely best for you and my Kingdom, no exceptions...and I only ask one thing of you...Trust Me."

As I type from the kitchen table, I glance over to my living room floor and think of the many times I've cried out from my knees in despair...suffering in doubt. It makes me want to pick up that broken self, dust her off and ask what she is doing there.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ.

"Hey...look at nighttime me"

2008-06-12T11:26:00.002-05:00

What sold me on following Christ? I distinctly remember two days in particular...probably separated by a year.

The first was the day I pulled over my car after realizing that I wasn't happy with how my life had turned out with myself in control. And I heard this promise...put Christ in control of your life...and experience a peace like no other. Truthfully, I made the decision out of desperation and without understanding. But I made it just the same.

I didn't really tell any mature Christians about the decision who could have coached me in developing a relationship with Christ. So I seemingly floundered about...happy with my decision but not fully understanding the impact on my life. I lived the next year of my life virtually in the same lifestyle I had come accustomed to through the years, yet with a new desire to seek God.

The second day I remember was a different kind of decision entirely. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we realize we need to look up. I had allowed my selfish desires and poor lifestyle choices to abruptly kick me lower than I ever thought I would land. And I had a decision to make...what am I to do from there? I remember feeling battered and bruised...and asking...God, will you still take me like this? Can you still use me?" I said a different kind of prayer that morning...one of equal desperation as the first...but it was painted with surrender...willing to finally give up those areas of my life I thought were so sacred to hold onto. A woman recently shared the following thought..."Jesus is a gentleman...and he won't change areas of your heart and life until you first give him permission." There's something incredibly profound about this statement as I've experienced it's truth firsthand. When I was finally willing to allow Christ into all areas of my life...not just the convenient ones...I began to be transformed.

But surrender, I've found, is a daily decision. One I have never regretted, but not always an easy one. And there is a continuous temptation to go back. There's a song that reminds me of my battle of surrender...by the Ryan Montbleau Band...75 and Sunny. I smile at the lyrics as I relate to fighting my daytime self with a mighty does of "hey look at nighttime me." :)

I started a new Bible study, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. A scary realization of how easily we can be tempted away.

I am fearful, lest that even as the serpent beguiled Eve by his cunning, so your minds may be corrupted and seduced from wholehearted and sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3, AMP

Hi Ho...

2008-06-01T10:19:00.002-05:00

off to camp we will go. 40 plus 5th & 6th graders will take Camp Summit by storm this afternoon. There's always anxious anticipation brewing in the air as pickup begins. But after the chaos of chasing down campers concedes and the city horizon diminishes in the rear view mirror...something new begins to take hold. Something different...something comforting...an escape...a refuge...an excuse to let your inner-child run free.

Lord grant me the patience this week and remind me of this image when tempers flare and I'm chasing some of these freed inner-children through the woods... :)

The Lord is My Pace Setter

2008-05-12T20:13:00.001-05:00

I'm in Pasadena, CA this week taking classes at Fuller Theological Seminary to pursue an Urban Youth Worker's Certificate. 75 and Sunny, I couldn't resist the temptation to run shortly after arriving. I was a bit turned around when I realized I had run a few blocks past my destination. Before I rounded the corner to gain my bearings...I was in prayerful conversation with God over future changes...it sounded something like this "whatever you do God...you need to know that I won't stray from your will...but I need you to give me clarity and peace about it...whatever it is. Can you do that God...can you give me that peace?"

I no more finished this thought when I rounded the corner and ran straight into a view of the mountains overlooking Pasadena. And when you are used to the flatlands of Illinois, you can't help but to stop and take in the majesty of their magnitude. I literally broke out laughing as I imagined God saying "I created mountains child...I can give you peace." :)

I slowed to a walking pace as I turned the block to head back. I passed a church and for no particular reason walked up to the window and found the following quote posted there...

The Lord is My Pace Setter (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver)

The Lord is my pace setter...I shall not rush
He makes me stop for quiet intervals
He provides me with images of stillness which restore my serenity
He leads me in the way of efficiency through calmness of mind and his guidance is peace
Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day, I will not fret, for his presence is here
His timelessness, his all importance will keep me in balance
He prepares refreshment and renewal in the midst of my activity by anointing my mind with his oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows
Truly harmony and effectiveness shall be the fruits of my hours for I shall walk in the Pace of my Lord and dwell in his house for ever.

Change and Trust

2008-05-12T07:46:00.001-05:00

The other day...I soaked up a little sunshine on the bike path. With my headphones tuned into Christian radio...I rode along the river. Far and away where I feel closest to God in the city. On more than one occasion I have hit the concrete with something unsettled...some days it is even undefined...and yet I always ride back...with answers...often not having to ask the exact questions.

With the bike path before me...it was one of those unsettling mornings. Someone has entered my life that could potentially bring unexpected change...significant change. "Change"...there's that word again. It seems just when the shoes get comfortable...we're ask to try on another pair. Change can be exciting...but change by definition leads to the unknown. And in the realm of the unknown...we are no longer in control.

My mind raced faster than I could pedal...I pulled over...climbed the bank...and watched the river flow by. No sooner had I gotten sat down when a wave of tears rushed over me. Where was this onslaught coming from?

Change

There are obvious reasons to be upset over what this change may entail...but those weren't plaguing that morning. I had been riding on the waves of excitement. What was it then? What was I afraid of?

I have recently gotten comfortable in my calling to this ministry. It makes sense...it fits...I've started seeing results and receiving blessing. But as I sat on the banks of change I realized it isn't leaving "comfortable" that was troubling me...no...it was the fear of misjudging God's will. I was always the daughter who when learning to drive the tractor wanted dad to remain in the buddy seat round after round, ensuring I was getting it right. Sometimes I wish God was as obvious in giving instruction from the buddy seat..."turn right here, make this adjustment, watch me." Instead...He gives us prayer, discernment and guidance from the Holy Spirit...which have always proven more than sufficient...but requires much trust through the change.

I watched the steady flow of the river...the unchanging nature of it all. Sure the water will rise and fall but it steadily continues to flow.

From my daily devotion..."For the believer, then, the question is vital: Is our God the Lord of change? Will he be with us in change, especially when it strains our trust to its limit? Ironically, while we trust him with our eternal fate, we may find it difficult to trust him for next month's car payment, a new relationship, or an unexpected turn in our lives. The assumption that the Almighty is unacquainted with the complex people he has made keeps us hanging onto bits and pieces of our lives, deceived by Satan's ancient lie that God does not want the best for us.

In a threatened world, in the kaleidoscopic whirl of our life patterns, it can be enormously reassuring to remind ourselves that God is unchanging: "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8)." (Change and Trust, Gini Andrews)

God isn't unexpectedly changing the plans He has for my life. Instead he's revealing the plans He has had all along.

a dream clutched too tightly...

2008-05-09T09:30:00.001-05:00

A couple years ago...I remember driving along the country road shortly after the reality hit me that I was actually going to get a divorce. "How did this happen...what wrong turn did I make that I ended up here...I can't believe this is actually happening to me." The strange part of the timing of it all...was that I was coming off of my first Christian conference where a level of understanding in which I'd never had before had clicked. And truthfully I had the words "God hates divorce" running through my head, but being so new to faith, I can't say they actually penetrated. I knew I was losing my old dream...and latched onto this new concept of Jesus.

Bonnie Keen performed during the conference. I still remember the exact spot where I stood when she played "Issac" as I stood there...eyes closed and weeping...hoping no one around me would notice...as her words flooded the room...

"I have a prayer as pure as gold, that where you lead me, I will go. And I'll not miss the impassioned plea when your sweet spirit calls to me. And in that hour, and in that time when I must lose my will in Thine. Oh my allegiance will be found the day I lay my Issac down. Grant me a faith beyond all doubt whose flames of hope cannot burn out. Let mercy flow and grace abound the day I lay my Issac down..."

The song continued...but my thoughts remained idle. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his precious, beloved son...and Abraham willingly laid his Issac down.

I don't think God would approve of me getting divorced. I do think he allowed it because of our hardened hearts...in which we are equally to blame. It is not the route I would suggest anyone follow as I have a much deeper understanding now in trusting God through the storm and watching him perform transformational miracles in relationships. Nonetheless, it was the path we chose.

After our decisions were made and the line was drawn in the sand, God began revealing to me how I had never invited Him into my marriage in the first place and how I had held things and people of the world above Him. And where had it gotten me?

Broken...alone...searching for purpose...heartbroken.

As Bonnie's lyrics filled the room...I heard the plea...when His sweet spirit called to me. And in that hour, and in that time...given the choice...to lose my will in Thine.

I wept...but I surrendered.

Laying down my Issac was so clearly laying down my "dream"...this image I had always envisioned for my life.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Mark 8:34

A few weeks later as I read through the lyrics on her CD, I noticed Bonnie had shared an entry from her journal before the song..."A dream clutched too tightly becomes an idol."

I played that song until it became ingrained in my soul...until I could play it from the melody in my heart...

It took much time and healing to understand all of the circumstances and decisions that lead me to contentment in exactly where I stand today. Just as God intervened with Abraham and Issac...He intervened with me. It amazes me each time He takes me to the point of absolute surrender...only to be delivered.

Sometimes we don't comprehend the path laid before us...and we can't see beyond our earthly understanding...but occasionally when we remain faithful through the storms...God delivers us...blesses us...and reveals a fragment of His heavenly plans.

I share with you a picture of my wedding dress...which is now circling villages in Zambia...blessing brides who never before imagined wearing such a gown.

What or who is your Issac?

Who is in control?

2008-04-30T13:25:00.004-05:00

A friend of mine recently shared with me a values search tool, which can serve both as a life guide map and as a time management tool. The thought here is that if you narrow down the top 3-5 core values you hold for your life and weigh everything from your daily tasks to your big life decisions against them to see how they measure up, it should help you prioritize and gain control of your life.

One of my core values was empowerment - the freedom to make liberating decisions to control my own life. Control...that's what so many of us desire is it not? But the interesting thing about holding this value for me personally is that it falls at #3 in the rankings, tucked a ways behind my #1 value which is serving and loving God and living out His will for my life.

So one might ask, isn't this in direct contradiction with the other. After all, if I am living out God's will, I can not possibly be living out my own. And if I have relinquished my own will, how can I claim to value control over my own life.

The answer is two-fold.

The first is that I accept that God is in control, but he allows me the freedom of free-will to control my own life. At any point God could step in and change any circumstance, he did create us after all. However, often times he chooses not to. Perhaps to allow us to understand the consequences of our own actions or to further his kingdom (although often times we don't see this until years later when we are reflecting back on situations which have come to pass).

The second is that I believe and accept that God has a purpose for my life and have dedicated my life to fulfilling it. This is where it is crucial that I remain empowered to do so.

I want to share a few of T.D. Jakes' thoughts from his book, Maximize The Moment, "God created you for a purpose, you are destined to accomplish certain things."..."God has given you the map; it is your calling to follow it."..."You should not, cannot, and do not need to control someone else's life; you just need to control your own." And I'll end with Jake's most important point he leaves his readers with, "You do not have to please anyone except God, our Father. We are accountable to Him alone."

Jakes' advice for staying on track: "Constantly take inventory of your life and determine what does and doesn't work for you. If you want to maximize your life and fulfill the plan that God has for you, you must take control of your life. Know when to say when, trim off the excess, and release yourself from the past. You cannot soar to great heights if you are weighted down with excess baggage. Learn to let go so you can fly."

Make no mistake, living in God's will - I had to surrender my own. To live in Christ, I had to die to my self.

But to tell you the truth...it was my own self who was always longing...always searching...but never finding...true lasting joy. I can not say the same for my surrendered soul in Christ.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

Easy Button

2008-04-25T08:17:00.000-05:00

I can't stop being awe struck by God's blessing on this ministry right now. For going through such a dry spell...and feeling like we were producing very little "fruit"...it seems He was preparing the harvest for a time such as this.

I share with you a note from one of the girl's in my small group. They were all complaining about not being able to understand the Bible. A friend of mine recently shared a success story in overcoming this challenge among teens that I decided to implement, she called it the "easy button" approach. You read scripture from a traditional Bible translation, and if the kids don't understand, they holler out "easy button" and someone reads the same scripture from The Message (street lingo Bible). We did this one night to show the girl's that the Bible really is relevant, once you start to understand what is written. For the first time I saw some excitement surface for the Word. I decided to buy them teen focused Bibles to further their journey...

brandy

Thanks for that conversation...it made me feel better... and thanks for the bible...i started reading genesis...it was really easy to read...i thought it was really cool that he made adam out of dust... and eve from adams rib...and can you believe how those 2 brothers and father sold his son...and they made him a slave with the pharaohs...it was really awesome.

Why didn't someone give me an easy button to ministry a long time ago? ;)

Holy Discontent

2008-04-23T08:24:00.001-05:00

Perhaps I've written on this topic before...but this morning it is captivating me. Holy Discontent is a Bill Hybels term (Willow Creek Senior Pastor).

What is the one aspect of this broken world that, when you see it, touch it, get near it, you just can't stand? Very likely, that firestorm of frustration reflects your holy discontent, a reality so troubling that you are thrust off the couch and into the game. It's during these defining times when your eyes open to the needs surrounding you and your heart hungers to respond that you hear God say, "I feel the same way about this problem. Now, let's go solve it together!"

We're talking a lot as a staff lately about our holy discontents. And I'm reminded once again how confused I was early on as a Christian when people spoke about burdens placed on their hearts. "I have a burden for orphans" I might here someone say. And the only thought response I had running through my head was "burden?...what's wrong with them that they consider it a burden to care for orphans?" But a bit further down my journey, I understand that it really is a burden. This morning as I reflect on my own holy discontent and the latest QC violence, their families and community...the kids I'm ministering to...the amazing progress I have seen lately (truly a blessing from God) and the painful pasts many of my girls shared with me in confidence...I'm utterly heartbroken by all of the pain...overjoyed with the progress...but brought to my knees with sorrow. It is a burden not to be able to shake the heartache...but it is a burden...I would give the world...to be privileged enough to carry.

We were asked to define our holy discontent. Mine was molded in Romania...but has been intricately carved out in Rock Island. What thrusts me off of the couch are children without hope. Children surrounded by suffocating circumstances. Children who we don't HAVE to help as a society. Children perhaps the world, government, community and even family have forgotten. But in Christ...we are called to take action.

On that plane ride home from Romania...gazing down on my last sights of such a "forgotten" country...one thought consumed me..."if those ministries weren't in those orphanages...reaching out to those children...no one would be."

This defines my holy discontent.

What defines yours?

Hybels' own experience with "holy discontent" grew out of observing "churches who don't care about people who are far from God," he said. That led him not only to start Willow Creek Church nearly 30 years ago, but also to lead the "seeker-sensitive" movement, which presents the gospel to people who are "far from God" in ways that will bring them close to God and eventually to faith in Christ.

"What can't you stand?" Hybels asked. He cited a litany of possible answers for church leaders -- "injustice, extreme poverty, racism, homelessness, AIDS, immoral business practices, dysfunctional churches, ... crappy music, crooked politicians [and] young people drifting further and further away from God."

Hybels offered Christians three tips about finding and following up on "holy discontent."

First, "it's not everything you get upset about," he said. "We ought to be looking for that one cause that grabs us by the throat and won't let us go."

Second, don't give up if the object of discontent is not obvious, he added. "Keep exposing your heart. ... Travel more in the world. Visit an AIDS clinic or a Habitat [for Humanity] build." Keep on looking.

Third, don't run from it, he said. "Most of us run from our firestorm of frustration. One of the best things you can do is identify with it. ... When you find it, feed it. Increase your exposure. Stay close to your holy discontent."

('Holy discontent' can inspire good leaders, Hybels says - by Marv Knox)

Lauren...the Warrior King

2008-04-22T08:15:00.003-05:00

This past weekend a few teens and I had the opportunity to serve in the neighborhood where I live. I live in a historical district where beautifully restored homes are scattered amidst the decrepit. Each year the Broadway District pulls the community together for a Great Unveiling, where volunteers tear the siding off of old homes that have been purchased for restoration.

With the promise of free doughnuts and coffee, I showed up with 6 teens in tote. Let the demolition begin! It was an amazing day and the teens worked with a dedication I have rarely seen. Perhaps my proudest moments was when I announced breakfast had arrived and NOT ONE of them stopped working to eat. (This is a first!...of course they eventually did. ;) I had to leave mid-morning for some prior commitments, but the teens stayed behind to rip, tear and pull the siding down. When I came back to pick them up...compliments flooded the air..."Be careful, if the word gets out on the street about this crew...they'll have work lined up all summer... they are hard workers...they did an amazing job - they can come back anytime."

The YouthHope Job Squad was born! There are several other opportunities in our community to serve. I'm thinking about marketing this team of teens as a volunteer crew around the community. Services for free - donations welcome! Would be an excellent fundraiser for saving for that mission trip the teens dream of taking one day. Looks like I have work to do!

For many looking at this house, it was nothing but an eye sore, but for the new owners, they see the hidden treasure within. While talking to a neighbor, he introduced himself as "Lauren"..."yeah I never really liked my name growing up because it was feminine...but recently I found out that it means "Warrior King" and I've gained a new appreciation for it." This coming from a ~60 year old man, just made me smile. His whole life spent thinking of himself in one way...only to be repainted years later in another.

I must share from my morning devotional which referred to the Water Garden painting by Claude Monet. If studied long enough it may surprise many that the major part of the canvas is covered in dark shades of black, blue and green. These drab colors serve to highlight the beautiful floral pastels. Monet painted the dark tones to enhance the lighter.

From Weathering the Showers devotion by Beth Donigan Seversen...

"Monet's painting has much to remind me about the water garden of my life, and of its Artist. First, it encourages me that there is a purpose and design to my life, and that perhaps, at times, I focus too exclusively on the darker portions of my painting.

It also reminds me that my Lord, the Artist of my life, has intentionally allowed the blue, green, and, yes, sometimes even the gray and black hues to be brushed on my canvas for a reason. God uses these shadows to make my life richer. Often, when I look back on difficulties, such as my father's death, times when I have been misunderstood by friends or my expectations have been dashed, I can see, now, his handiwork creating a brilliance of color and beauty from pain and suffering. The Artist uses a multitude of techniques in our lives to help us become the people he created us to be."

Maybe...we are all Warrior Kings...waiting to be restored.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11

True Reconciliation

2008-04-17T20:42:00.001-05:00

Last night as I was preparing to leave the youth center, my cell phone rang, and it was the Moline Children's Director on the other end. "You know that shooting that occurred in East Moline...one of the girls in my small group witnessed it. She's extremely upset and just called me." A few moments later I walked into Chris's office and he had the article pulled up on his computer...talking to the Moline Teen Director..."Brandy he used to go the the Moline Youth Center and volunteer all the time as a teen." Talk about hitting home.

But truthfully I did not take the time to process the reality of it all until I was sitting in a staff meeting this afternoon. Our Executive Director had been called by a local news station requesting a special interview, "one which paints a positive twist on the kid involved who was killed." He seeked our advice on how he should handle it or if he should give the interview at all.

The debate...the picture had been painted...the 21 year old had a long rap sheet and allegedly had shot a police officer before being gunned down and killed. A guy that clearly deserves no mercy right? Well that's the easy conclusion to draw...and many already have. Of course there is the police officer who was shot to consider and his safety and well-being while in service to the community. I'm not here to debate the topic or to defend the 21 year old's actions...but instead only to share my heartbreak that won't release me.

As I read the newspaper article today...in my mind it wasn't about this East Moline young man. In my mind...it was one of my kids...who grew up and fell away. It was one of my kids...who I love with everything in me...who spend Sundays with me in church...and lunch at my house...who greet me with open arms on any street corner...with plenty of hugs to share. Yes...in my mind...I thought...what if...what if it's ever one of my kids someday?

What the CF staff remembers is the 14 year old boy that used to volunteer religiously at the Moline Youth Center...with a big smile no one could forget and potential to conquer the world. What the CF staff will never forget...is the one we lost...the one who fell away.

There is much community controversy in making a positive public statement about a guy that allegedly shot a police officer. Again, I'm not here to defend the point. I'm not sure if the interview was even made or what was said...but I hope somehow...somewhere...in someone's heart...they'll remember that 14 year old kid.

Situations such as these often further stimulate segregation in the community. Us vs. Them - Community vs. Law Enforcement - Our neighborhood vs. Their neighborhood - Black vs. White - Our kind vs. Their kind. And what comes to the forefront of my mind...is the desperate need...for true reconciliation...

I share with you part of the CCDA philosophy:

The question is: Can a gospel that reconciles people to God without reconciling people to people be the true gospel of Jesus Christ? A person's love for Christ should break down every racial, ethnic and economic barrier. As Christians come together to solve the problems of their community, the great challenge is to partner and witness together across these barriers in order to demonstrate our oneness in Christ. Christian Community Development recognizes that the task of loving the poor is shared by the entire body of Christ, black, white, brown, and yellow; rich and poor; urban and suburban; educated and uneducated. While the Bible transcends culture and race, the church is still having a hard time with living out the reality of our unity in Christ. Christian Community Development is intentional about reconciliation and works hard to bring people of all races and cultures into the one worshipping body of Christ. This comes not so much through a program but through a commitment to living together in the same neighborhood. The power of authentic reconciliation between us and God, and between people of every culture and race is an essential component of effective ministry in our hurting world.

Our Heritage...

2008-04-16T11:33:00.003-05:00

Beth Moore has had a pretty fantastic impact on my faith walk. Breaking Free (highly recommend this study!) was the first Bible study I attended, and remember instantly being intrigued by her energy and passion for Christ. I was also taken aback by her "coolness" thinking..."Wow...this woman is amazing and hip and loves Christ like no other I've ever seen. Maybe this faith stuff isn't so bad after all." Then she proceeded to walk me through a journey during a particularly difficult time of my life...and for the first time deliver me on the free side of the chains I had been caught up in by the world.

It was another Bible study of hers a few months ago I completed through my church. This particular day she was speaking about our Heritage - what helped shape who we are today - who we will become. She spoke about her own heritage and the incredible women of faith that molded her...she spoke of the heritage of the Jews...and what a precious gem their heritage truly is...to share the heritage of Jesus Christ.

I remember reflecting on my own heritage. As I walked through the blessings of my childhood on the farm...raised by two amazing parents...with a passion and dedication to hard work and family values...I was quite content in my heritage. But in my limited understanding of God's plan...to some extent I drew the conclusion..."see God...aren't I supposed to be a farm wife - isn't that my heritage...to watch the corn and my children grow?" God left me hanging on this one for awhile.

This weekend as my entire extended family attended my grandmother's funeral services, we learned a bigger picture of our heritage. We learned of a woman, fondly nick-named the "Bulldog" in church because of her relentless dedication to ensure the children and youth of the church were relevantly being served. We learned of a woman dedicated to missions and helping the least of these. We learned of an amazing mother, grandmother, wife and friend.

It made me reflect once again on the letters she has written to me. And this time I caught a glimpse of her as a passionate woman vs. the "grandmother box" I had always put her in. I remember conversations I'd had with her about my dad. "Brandy...he's always had a heart for the least of these...he always reached out to those in need...those in trouble...it doesn't surprise me that he loves working with the kids you bring to the farm."

My heritage.

My sister just called with a funny Gracie (niece) story...

They've been discussing lately how God will sometimes 'call' you to do something or serve in some way...

With her 4yr. old eyes closed in prayer..."God when you 'tell' on me...I'll be there." The little eyes peered open at her mom..."Do think he's going to 'tell' on me?"

The story warms my soul...but to Gracie...she is simply living out...our heritage.

Answered Prayers...

2008-04-14T12:17:00.000-05:00

God has thoroughly amazed me once again. In a Beth Moore Bible study I completed awhile ago, I remember her saying that we are always trying to put God in a box. We learn something about him and then we draw the conclusion..."ok...so that's the way God is" when instead we should reach a verdict that more closely resembles..."God is this way...and more."

Journaling tells a pretty fantastic testimony. As I browse through the pages of my life the past few months...amazed is the only word that begins to summarize. One by one I raised my requests to God...

They started with desperate pleas...I was feeling completely and utterly inadequate for my position...and I watched as he helped me understand "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart." Psalm 51:17. I read through the pages of this broken spirit being laid before him...and watched him restore a new found strength and confidence...in Him.

I kept reading...as I asked to understand love in a February entry: "I wonder if I can truly love on this earth, until I fully realize what it means to love and be loved by the Father. I see one theme standing out to me lately. It is one of obedience." And I referenced two scriptures:

This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. 1 John 5:2-3

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 1:6

While the concept of obedience vs. love did nothing for the hopeless romantic in me...I committed to walking in obedience...on my search to walk in love.

Amazed I was the sunny morning on the bike path as I tried to make sense of different relationships I had recently experienced with people. One person in particular it became evidently clear...had been put in my life for a moment...so that I could experience the heart of God. When you are so dedicated to pursuing God's heart...God's heart can't help but radiate from you. God knows I learn much better from example...so he allowed me to experience it. As this realization flooded over me...I smiled...and found peace. I obeyed...God showed me love. Furthermore, if I find myself being loved...it will only be because they have fallen in love with the only part of me worth loving...God...in me.

And finally...a late February entry...I watched myself surrender..."I've been fighting. Fighting letting go of old dreams, holding onto an image I painted of myself. Fighting who you say I am, of what you say I am capable of in you. I've been fighting. I'm scared. Scared I won't be happy - scared I won't be successful or capable - scared I'll always carry regret. But all of these worries and fears have brought me what? Turmoil. Father on my heart this morning is simple...surrender. Surrender to my calling...surrender to your will. But most importantly...surrender to trusting you. Trusting your plans for my life are greater than mine. Surrender in you I find peace. Surrender."

It was a pretty cool feeling in church yesterday when the pastor asked us to write down our fears on a sticky note and attach them to a cross at the front of the sanctuary. And literally...I sat there and tried to come up with a fear..."I've always feared failure...but I've failed so many times this past year and God has seen my through...I'm no longer afraid...I used to fear vulnerability...but God has given me courage...I was scared of being inadequate...but God proved that I was when left to my own strength but I can do all things through Him...I used to fear not knowing where my life was heading...but I now completely trust wherever He is taking me. I used to fear regret...but no longer hold onto it. Hmmmmmm....I guess I'll just sit here and praise Him for answered prayer."

A friend of mine said he prayed a specific prayer for me the other night...and to remind him in a couple months to tell me what he prayed...if I forget...someone remind me to ask...to check in to see...if I have another answered prayer.

Think about such things...

2008-04-12T10:24:00.001-05:00

This morning...a scripture is dancing gently in my head...and it brings a smile to my heart...and comfort to my soul...

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

Real Wisdom

2008-04-11T08:31:00.002-05:00

Last night as I sat holding her hand...I couldn't help but think about all of the wisdom she must hold. I watched as my grandmother took her last breaths...as Jesus walked her home.

I'm not too far away from entering my 30's...and for a year many people dread...I look at it with excited anticipation. For what I have learned in the first 30 years will help mold the next 30.

The ironic thing about wisdom...real wisdom...is that it rarely indwells the young.

Taken from a devotional by Luci Swindoll..."When I calmly look life in the eye, having grown wise from beating and flapping against its imperfections, learning to compromise, and accepting the fact that everyone and everything has its shortcomings: Life will have given me truth, and taken in exchange, my youth. In advertently, one is given up for the other."

This thought drove me this morning to dig out a couple letters grandma had written to me during particular highs and lows of my life...and reading them years later...I better discern the wisdom she was passing on..."Keep your eyes focused on the Lord"..."Make memories with friends in the years spend unattached"..."Value your education"..."Go to church."

Two Kinds of Wisdom

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:13-18

I looked around the room at the faces of the "harvest" my grandmother had raised...and basked in the quote my parents have often repeated...passed down through the years..."The best crop this farm has ever produced is our children." Thank you for the many years sown in peace. Thank you for your good life, done by deeds in the humility that comes from wisdom. Rest in peace grandma. Until we meet again...

Storms...

2008-04-10T00:25:00.003-05:00

I do not remember a time of my life when I have felt so blessed. Awhile ago during a Bible study, we discussed how people are either going through a storm, just getting out of a storm, or another storm is on its way. One might ask...why so many storms?

As much as I would like to think that I can learn from other people's mistakes and experiences, (and to some degree I can)...the real lessons are learned when my own world is storming. The first year of ministry has been perhaps the most trying year of my life. Somewhere along the way, I actually sat and wrote a list of the many things I felt God was trying to cleanse from me. It was an ugly list, with the front-runners including pride and selfishness and self-reliance (no dependence on God). And as I looked at the list several months into my struggles, I wondered how much longer they would battle. After all, I was growing weary. Many a night I spent in tears begging God to remove the weight of it all...but I always heard him say..."it’s not time yet child." And slowly...one by one...those ugly attributes began to surrender.

I did not welcome the storm...but I am a better person because it came to pass.

I thought "self-sufficient, driven, highly-motivated Brandy" was going to impact the West End of Rock Island...boy did I misgauge when that girl was humbly brought to her knees. In one of the many books I am currently reading while I pursue an Urban Youth Ministry Certificate...the following sentence sprung from the page..."The Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self." (In the Name of Jesus, Nouwen)

I was literally stripped down over this past year...until the only being which remained was that of my own vulnerable self...with nothing else left to offer. And it was that being that God began to bless. Pieces of this ministry, community and neighborhood are falling into place in a way words can not describe. During a summer planning session with many organizations from the area, one lady commented, “You guys are starting to give me goose bumps”...as the walls of competition fell and the foundation of community collaboration was laid.

They are apparently calling snow once again this weekend. :( But regardless of the storm...I'm going to run in the sunshine...dance in the rain...or make a snow angel once again. It's not storming in my world.

Looks like we'll be walking...

2008-04-05T22:14:00.006-05:00

While there are hundreds of reasons why I love my job...tonight her name was Ebony. Ebony has been walking a tightrope since I met her. Literally I have watched as she has been pulled to both sides. Tempted by drinking and parties and guys...flirting on the edge of the rope...but somehow remaining centered enough so far to prevent from falling. We had to ask her to take a break from Teen Staff awhile back. We encouraged her to evaluate her priorities...and take some time to herself...away from her responsibilities at CF. She still attended youth group, but no longer worked it. It was a hard balance for us to know how much time to give her on her own, when to intervene, etc. Chris (Teen Director) and I both agreed that we thought it was time to invite her back. Tonight I picked her up from her track meet and over pasta and calzones...gave her our proposal. Show us you are serious about walking the line...and we'll walk with you. She agreed to rearrange her schedule to make time for church, attend a small group Bible study with me and re-commit her life to being a good peer leader.

Looks like we'll be walking. :)

Ebony recently performed the lead part in a drama for our fundraising banquet. I share with you a video, which inspired the drama. As soon as I have the footage from the banquet, perhaps I will replace this version with a copy of our teen’s performance vs. the inspiration for it. They did a phenomenal job and received a standing ovation for the performance. Leaving not a dry eye in the place as the drama truly encapsulated the line our teens walk...the line we have all walked…and the saving grace it’s ok to fall into...

I do too

2008-04-03T09:07:00.000-05:00

"Where you at Big Marquee...where you at Baby?" And Amari shuts the door. I don't remember when he started this little ritual...or what it even means...or if I've even ever really understood what exactly it is he is saying...but regardless of the circumstance or the time of day...these are the last words he leaves me with every time he departs the van. My limited understanding does not prevent the words from warming my heart and painting a smile on my face each and every time I hear them.

One of the girls from my 7th grade small group was riding shotgun last night as I dropped him off. Through her laughter at hearing his proclamation for the second time...she inquired..."What does that even mean Brandy?" I have no clue my dear...but I'm only going to worry when he stops saying it. :)

The kids stomp team, lead by our Executive Director's wife, practiced last night, as part of our creative arts outreach. As we were walking out the door...she glanced over her shoulder as the kids broke into play...freed from the restraint practice requires. "I want these kids to make it Brandy...and the statistics aren't good." We paused and watched them for a moment in silence...long enough to allow the reality of how much we have truly come to love them sink in. "I do too Sarah...I do too."

Not forgotten...

2008-03-31T23:49:00.005-05:00

Hugging a friend in which you were not certain you would ever see again...is an excellent way to end a day! I got to visit tonight with a couple people I met on the Romania mission trip back in 2006. One in which was visiting from Romania.

On more than one occasion as he was speaking about new ministries that have bloomed as a result of our trip...and the impact they were having on the orphans...I found myself placing my hand on my chest to cover an aching heart. Instantly reminded of the broken yet joyful spirit Romania uncovered.

One orphanage closed...I wonder...what happened to Bogdan...to Geta..to Ana Maria? Heartbreak...

A new Community Development Center has been opened, where for the first time children are learning how to use silverware, to shower, to enjoy hot food, to be loved. And then there are the girls of Zau...the orphanage that captured all of our hearts. Not only did the girls finally get a chance to leave the confines of "the hill" and explore countryside beyond the walls of their orphanage but now they have weekly life skills and Bible lessons...week long getaways...and soon transitional housing to help them break out of the cycle laid before them. Joy...

And the guy that inspired this all...a fellow trip participant...is the same guy I shared a late night conversation with on the couch in the lobby of a Romanian hotel. "I feel like God is calling me to do more...I can't go home and forget about these kids." He certainly didn't.

"So what do you think of the US so far Dacian?" I asked. He responds with a Romanian accent and slightly broken English, "I like the homes, but too much money goes into them, there are rooms nobody use, this is just my opinion." I suspect when you have the blessing of introducing a child to running water and hot food for the first time...it makes our sitting rooms seem absurd. :)

With words like consumerism and excess running wild in my head...I pulled onto the interstate to head home. But mid-way through the entry ramp...I literally stopped to take in the view of two enormous American flags billowing in the night breeze. As I marveled at the stars and stripes...only one thought remained...we are a blessed people...perhaps a fact often forgotten.

Pictures...

2008-03-20T09:11:00.001-05:00

Now that I have come clean with my mother...I can share that our van windows got shot out. :) No worries, looks like a pellet gun or BB gun so it sounds worse than what it actually is. No one was driving them when it happened...no suspects (solidified our need for security cameras). Just another chance to mingle with the city police.

A couple months back, the cops accidentally got called from the center. After we sorted out the confusion, the officer stayed briefly to shoot hoops with the kids...and I thought what a nice reconciliation picture this painted.

Our picture will continue to evolve, to take shape, to gain color and texture. While I may not know where to direct the strokes...I'm happy to be holding a brush.

Who are you not to be?

2008-03-17T11:38:00.001-05:00

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Marianne Williamson

Why are we so often tempted to play small?

Fear of rejection? Fear of failure? Fear of being brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Fear of appearing too confident?

Who is our smallness serving?

I’ve spent the majority of my life perhaps seemingly unapproachable...or not openly approaching others. The whole time I'm likely appearing self-centered to the rest of the world...I'm really feeling insecure. But then I had to ask...what are these insecurities centered around...to which the glaring reality surfaced...they are in fact centered around...me.

When you work with teens, this playing small is not serving. I must put my own insecurities aside and let my light shine...in order to give them permission to do the same.

I started attending an inner-city church plant and experienced this firsthand as people boldly broke out of their molds, crossed the room, and welcomed me. During services yesterday we visited the book of Hebrews...”Let us boldly approach the throne of grace...”

...unconsciously giving others permission to do the same.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

In the beginning...

2008-03-15T23:45:00.004-05:00

I can't begin to share the impact these kids and this ministry has had on my life. Truthfully if I had known the challenges I would face in the beginning...I would have kept my feet planted firming on the ground. But...I wonder if I’d still be standing in the same place.

He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles ~C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

In the beginning...He created us...for more.

I share with you a video...created by an extraordinary friend and incredibly talented volunteer...

I share with you these kids...

who I would have missed
had I known the challenges...

in the beginning.

Created...for you

2008-03-12T10:35:00.001-05:00

I felt a subtle tugging at my pant leg and looked down from the stage...Katia peered up from her place on the floor..."Here Brandy...I made this for you." As quietly as she had come forward...she retreated. I looked down at the paper in my hands and read "God created the world...for you." Forgetting about rehearsal and the role I was playing, I instantly leaped from the stage and scooped her up in my arms.

We are preparing for our annual fundraising banquet. With kids and programs and schedules to balance...it is easy to get caught up in the practical tasks of ministry...and forget what remains at the heart of it all...relationships.

This seems to be the theme of this past week as I've realized I've allowed tasks and ministry to overshadow anything that resembled life. And even my ministry has been reduced to the next task that needs accomplished.

In staff meeting yesterday we discussed if we have allowed anything to become our golden calf...any idols we have placed in front of God. Somebody chimed in with an interesting perspective. "Sometimes I think I put the ministry in front of God himself...because I am doing his work...I don't take time just for him." Hmmmmmm.... My devotion today read "Have you ever experienced a unique time of usefulness to God, then found that in a very short time you had gotten quite far from him? Perhaps it was because you became overwhelmed with your service to God rather than with God himself."

As I look down at Katia's artwork this morning...I read the simplicity of her words..."God created the world...for you"...period. Not "for you to accomplish...for you to reach...for you to achieve" No...it ends with a period.

While I'm positive God will continue to provide opportunities to serve...sometimes we need someone to interrupt our oh-so-busy lives and remind us...God created the world...for you.

Trust

2008-02-29T09:58:00.002-06:00

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7

Given a little thought...it is easy to accept that the almighty, all-knowing, creator of the universe has greater plans for my life than I. But when I can't see where he is leading...when I stumble and fall...my demeanor immediately changes.

While my faith compels me to keep moving in his direction...I find myself suddenly doing so...kicking and screaming.

Which begs the question...is this real trust?

I'm gently reminded this morning to stand up. It is almost as though I hear God speak...”You are following me child, but wouldn’t it be easier done from your feet?”

Trust

STOOP-shouldered,
foot-dragging,
sighing
resignation
is not trust.

Real trust
bounces on eager toes of
anticipation -
laughs with pure delight
of knowing
in whom it believes -
rests easy
knowing
on whom it waits.

Lord,
so wrap me in the
knowledge of You
that my trust is no longer
in You, but
is You.

~Susan L. Lenzkes

Strength in my weakness

2008-02-15T09:24:00.005-06:00

I had the opportunity this morning to share in a circle of my dearest friends from John Deere. I joined in their bible study to share my experiences in serving. As we opened in prayer a memory swept over me...this was the first bible study I was ever invited to. Hard to imagine the same girl who timidly joined the group a few years back...with far more questions than answers...far more doubt than faith...would end up having something to share...in the same circle.

"God has been teaching me something Brandy...I can’t do it on my own strength." "Funny you should mention that Jana...it is what I am speaking about this morning." We smile..."Awwww the goodness of God’s timing."

What keeps us from serving?

Jennifer shares..."I think people struggle with serving because it often requires them to take that last step beyond their capabilities...which places them outside their realm of self-sufficiency." We are a people of independence...we are a people of control...it is hard to relinquish.

I could be the poster child for independence. I was raised to be self-reliant, self-motivated and driven. Not bad qualities to have...thank you mom and dad! :) But God calls you beyond your capabilities so that he may show you His glory...His strength and increase your dependency on Him.

In the private setting of the youth center...I cried out...(I was alone...you bet I cried out loud!) "Ok God...what do you want from me, I admit...you have called me beyond my capabilities...I have tried...I have failed...I genuinely believe I can not do this on my own strength." The tears welled up as I cried out in surrender.

Almost immediately...in God’s loving way...He answered..."It’s about time child...now I can work with you."

I’m usually partial to the NIV, but today I share with you from The Message.

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."
2 Corinthians 12:7-10

P.S. Done pruning yet?

2008-02-14T12:42:00.004-06:00

I’m developing a funny relationship with God. I’m starting to talk, pray and journal to him as though he is actually one of my closest friends. Nonchalant, down to earth, laying it all out on the table as it really is. Don’t get me wrong, I also have those moments when I’m so caught up in his glory and his wonder that I struggle with the right words to even begin to praise him. But today...we’re just chatting.

I’m sitting in a local coffee shop...paying no attention to the slow...seemingly “regular” lunch crowd...or the espresso machine at full steam in the background. Nope, today it’s just God and me. But no worries...by chatting...I actually mean I’m journaling...I save ranting for more private settings. ;)

I start reflecting on my bible study from yesterday morning, when I was sharing with the gals that God must get a continued kick out of my rollercoaster prayers. On the days when my faith is on fire, I actually pray God will use whatever means...tests and trials necessary to cleanse out the ugly “self” stuff I struggle with. You know...my selfish nature...my pride...stubbornness...oh goodness that list could go on. So I wholeheartedly give him permission to do a walk through my life and take a scour brush where he sees fit. But there are just as many days when I find myself face down on my knees...pleading with him give me a break...shed a little light...or the most popular...throw me a bone.

(I’m not sure God really waits for my permission or retraction to continue with his work, but somehow it gives me comfort just the same.)

Today, I pick up my devotion and begin reading...“What would you think if your best friend told you that she thought you needed to endure a long, intense and difficult trial so that God could prune away some of the sin in your life? You would probably think she was crazy! What if she persisted and said that you would perform your job as a mother, wife, teacher or saleswoman better after your trial was over? Which of us would willingly submit to those pruning shears, and which of us would turn, run and hide?”

For me...it depends on the day. Truthfully...if I knew the challenges and trials I would face before entering this ministry...I hate to admit...I don’t think I would have taken the leap. But would I go back now that I've come this far? Not in a million.

Still I find myself leaving God a little P.S. at the bottom of my entry...

P.S. Done pruning yet? :)

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.”
John 15:1-2

wildflowers

2008-02-13T22:34:00.003-06:00

Love...what is it...we all want it...hope to find it...pray to keep it...but how do you define it?

Expressing love during this time of year seems to gravitate towards roses. While I've always been more of a wildflower girl...flowers tend to loose their prestige when someone slaps the "wildflower" label to them...but their beauty remains unaltered.

Tonight I met with the CF "Kid's Choir"...while they do more dancing than singing...we've yet to come up with a better name. The hope is that they'll be ready to perform in time for our annual banquet...but trust me when I tell you...this will require an act of God.

I've tried it all...from bribes to threats and everything in between...but they seem to bounce off the walls far more than they dance. Frustrated with the way practice had gone...I checked in with the teen staff as we walked to the van..."What am I doing wrong Brittnee?...what should I do?" She smiled..."you can drop me off first" she cleverly states, as the van filled with chaos.

Tyvon’s stop..."Brandy, am I going to see you tomorrow?" "No Tyvon...but I'll see you Saturday." "But you need to stop by my house tomorrow...I have a valentine for you...already filled out" :)

Pulling up to the last stop...Amari moves up. We have a routine...he bounces out of the van...walks around to the back of his house...disappears around the corner...comes back around and waves...letting me know he can get inside...and I pull away. Tonight was no different...except before he bounced out of the van...he stood up...and leaned over my shoulder...and out of nowhere...gave me a hug...

What is true love? I asked the kids during our devotional.

“It’s loving your mom”

“I love pizza”

“I love ice cream”

“It’s God”

I couldn’t disagree with any of their answers. While we discussed the origin of true love...I didn’t overlook the many ways it can be expressed...

...perhaps it’s your name on a valentine...or an unexpected hug.

This Valentine season...don't overlook the beauty of the wildflowers...waiting on the roses.

He already knows

2008-02-03T23:57:00.000-06:00

Amidst one of my first tests of faith...a friend recommended that I read the book of Job. In my reflections, Job's undying faithfulness left its footprints on my heart. But I couldn't help acknowledging a nagging disturbance...the way God had given Job into Satan's hands as a pawn...allowing him to inflict pain...to administer suffering. Something about imagining our loving God looking down on his faithful servant...and then making a bet with Satan on his faithfulness never sat right with me. But I kept reading...through Job’s unconceivable torment...and witnessed his perseverance...drank in his faithfulness...until his former life was restored...and then surpassed. I did not miss the good news. “The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first.” Job 42:12

But this image of God and Satan wagering for and against the pawn still wouldn’t escape me.

This week as I sat in a coffee shop, absorbed in God’s word and a YouthWorker Journal, I stumbled across the following quote by C.S. Lewis: "God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't."

My mind immediately flew back to Job...as these words penetrated that unanswered disturbance. God didn’t need his bet with Satan to prove Job’s faithfulness, he already knew it...perhaps it was Job who didn’t.

Sometimes I forget God’s sovereignty. His all powerful...all knowing...unconceivable nature. Sometimes I forget that God knows what I’m made of...but often times...it is I who does not.

Telling the story

2008-01-28T20:49:00.000-06:00

The days have passed without written capture...but the joys still dwell in my heart. Many evenings I settled in...to share the pictures...to tell the stories...but it was as though the book remained closed.

I didn't want to state that "I had a sledding party at my parent's house"...instead I wanted to share the joy of watching children sled for the first time. (Finally, the book seems to be opening again.)

It will always be therapeutic for me to visit the farm. My escape...my refuge. As my dad circled the kids around the farm on a hayrack ride...I took in how different each child looked painted against the backdrop of a different setting...painted against the backdrop of freedom. Free from violence...free from being cut down...cursed at...free from alcohol and drugs...from raising their siblings...from cooking their own meals...free. Goosebumps spread...joy overwhelmed me...for they looked a lot like innocent children. Sometimes I forget this is how they are supposed to look.

I thank God everyday that He gives me this story to tell. All he asks of me...is that I continually consult the author.

Endurance

2008-01-09T22:37:00.000-06:00

Failure...we fear it...avoid it...run from it...and deny it...but sooner or later we run directly into it. Failure.

I battled a regret in my life...from my past...which had remained unsettled. As I allowed God to heal bits and pieces...I anticipated the day when I would come to peace with it. But as I learned to accept it...move past it...and be forgiven for it...I never came to understand it.

Yesterday we had an all day staff meeting to discuss ministry progress and vision. Our Executive Director suggested we start the day by taking quiet time with God (something we all desperately needed). We headed to the library...armed with inspirational books, Bibles and coffee. I searched out my cozy corner next to the window and settled in..."Ok God...I'm drained and distant...confused and overwhelmed...bring me back to you...work on my heart this morning." I began reading...journaling...praying. I wanted to focus on ministry...but my heart was distracted by unsettled regret. Finally I stopped reading..."What do you want from me Lord? I genuinely do not feel like you are calling me backwards, but I cannot find peace...I don't feel freed from my past because I do not understand it.” Ok...try this again...I began reading...but soon paused again when I came across the following question: "Looking back over the last ten years of your life, what do you wish you had not quit?" Hmmmm...

I kept reading.

"Most of us try not to think about our failures any more than we have to, and Scripture itself advises us not to live in the past. But occasionally it pays to consider the high cost of quitting. So many people live with scars or lingering wounds from having quit on something or someone. So many look back on their lives, shake their heads and ask, "Why did I cash in so easily?" The answer is obvious: it is infinitely easier to quit than to endure." (Who You Are When No One's Looking by Bill Hybels)

I paused...just long enough to hear God speak..."Dear child...you did fail...you quit...but stop looking at it through the eyes of regret. Remember the pain of quitting...count the cost of quitting...

...and don't quit on me now.”

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

For the first time...understanding swept through me.

It is not about looking backwards on regret, it is about looking forward and building a character to endure.

What...or who...are you considering quitting?

"Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life" James 1:12

Christmas...for me.

2007-12-26T12:38:00.000-06:00

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I remember how much Good Friday impacted me this year. It was the first time I experienced Easter weekend fully realizing the impact of Christ's sacrifice...and what it meant to me. I imagined standing at the foot of the cross as his mother did...absorbed with grief...while others scorned him. I imagined how much his words spoken from the cross would have penetrated me. I imagined darkness falling mid-day...as he breathed his last breath. I imagined being consumed by the loss...he willingly endured. I'm not sure I would have found the strength to move in those moments that followed. Amidst my reflections...I somberly left the evening church service into the darkness...it was the first time I realized what Jesus had actually done...for me.

As this holiday season crept upon us...I wondered how Christmas would feel.

Earlier this month, the Rock Island Teen Director, Chris and his wife had their first child...a precious baby girl named Jada. Tiny fingers...tiny toes...wide eyes...filled with innocence and dependence. Perfectly emulating the true miracle of new life.

This past Saturday night, we had a Christmas party for the 5th-12th grade youth. The center was packed...with 70 kids in the house. When it came time for message...the ice storm outside helped us keep our attendance (the rougher youth have a tendency to walk home vs. staying for message)...Chris began by holding up a picture of his baby girl. Of course the room was at half attention...some ears honing in...while others scorned and scoffed at hearing the Christmas message. But, he went on..."honestly when I look at her...I'm not sure I could give her up. I'm not sure I could sacrifice her...for people who don't understand...people...who don't even care...but that is what God did...when he sent his only son."

For the first time I considered how much God must have loved Jesus...I imagined Mary first peering at that precious baby boy. I imagined his tiny fingers and toes...his wide eyes...his dependence and innocence. But then I paused...and I imagined his purpose. Sent to walk among us...sent to die for us. Chris's words came back to me, "I'm not sure I could sacrifice her...for people who don't understand...people...who don't even care." As I looked around the room...I realized it was full of these people...but as I reflected...I realized I used to be one of them. And that precious child was sent...to die...for me.

In the midst of his torture...in the midst of his sacrifice...from the cross...Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34

This is Christmas...for me.

Go to the people

2007-12-20T00:36:00.000-06:00

I'm excited to reach a vision that hasn't yet been defined. God has His hand on this ministry. No one involved will deny that. But where is He leading? Our souls have been shaken. Charity deemed unacceptable. Our hearts stir. We're not called to justify the ministry...we are called to strengthen a community.

The following poem is used as a philosophical guide to those working on Christian Community Development.

Go to the people

Live among them
Learn from them
Love them
Start with what they know
Build on what they have:
But of the best leaders when their task is done
The people will remark "We have done it ourselves."

We are called to help a community strengthen themselves.

Wait for the Lord

2007-12-15T10:24:00.000-06:00

"Wait for the Lord: be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

"This ministry...these kids... isn't what is going to burn me out. It is the feeling of mediocrity." Myself and the Moline Children's Director sat in the van...in the parking lot...solving the world's problems...yet again. Our nature is strikingly similar in some respects...one being the perfectionist nature that lies within us. Are we impacting lives...are we impacting enough lives? Will we really live to see a difference in these kids?

I read another article from my now favorite Youth Worker Journal which stated: "I'm sure all of us can remember an incident in the last month where we were asked, "How many youth do you have in your youth ministry? But how many of us can remember the last time someone asked, "Where are you and your youth spiritually?" Would we even know the answer?"

I'm not sure that I would. At minimum, I'm not sure that I would like my answer.

We had to put Ebony on suspension from Teen Staff due to a lack of respect and responsibility. In the end, I shared much frustration for her over the situation. But then I paused and asked myself how much have I poured into her? I have taken much of her spirituality for granted; after all, she is Teen Staff. And I’m responsible for K-6th clubs, full of chaos and stress which I expect her to help plan and prep for. But, do I ever pause long enough to pour into her?

Sometimes I think those in ministry feel the busier we are and the more we do, the more we are serving. But I've come to find out...when we don't wait on the Lord to fuel us...we end up spitting out fumes. Anyone can review a children's sermon, stand up and deliver the message. But are we willing to slow down...open God's word...and allow Him to give us the words to speak?

When I left Romania, someone asked me what I would miss the most. “The pace...I’m going to miss the slower pace.” I responded. I still remember the first day I spent back on U.S. soil. Walking outside and taking in the sunshine...feeling the gentle breeze...enjoying the natural blessings of the day. It is a constant battle for me...the pace of the world vs. God's steady stride. Occasionally, I’m gently reminded...to wait for the Lord.

Faith so small...

2007-12-12T10:40:00.000-06:00

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20-21

I still remember what it was like the day I posted signs at work to help promote the shoe drive for Shoes for Orphan Souls (through Buckner Orphan Care International). I had only recently heard about the organization and the mission after briefly tuning into the local Christian radio station. I was barely flirting with the idea of Christianity at that time, but knew that I had to take action for the cause.

I'm not a nervous person, but I quite likely shook as I was taping up the signs. After all, they stated we were collecting shoes for Romania's orphans...to show the love of Christ. "Please contact Brandy." I returned back to my cubicle...fidgeting.

"I can't believe I just hung that up...what are people going to think...they are going to think I'm some weird Bible beater...it's not too late to take it down."

"No, I believe in the cause...and I'm not supposed to be ashamed, even in my workplace...I am going to leave it up."

Looking back, I still remember the weakness of faith. Faith so miniscule, some may have questioned its existence.

One Year Later...

Thursday, October 19th 2006

“Sitting in O’Hare airport, an hour and a half before we board. I can’t believe this trip is finally here. God is good. Everyone is great and brings their own strengths and weaknesses. I can’t wait to see how everything unfolds. I have no doubt there is a child – a specific child in Romania for each of us to impact. Lisa told me on the bus that she wanted to sit by me because I was so excited and it would rub off on her. But I did get a wave of sadness thinking of the reality of what we will face. How will I not bring one home? Lord give me the strength.”

One Year Later...

Saturday, December 8th 2007

A few guys from a local church were completing work projects in the youth center. “I recently traveled to Romania” one of them stated. “Did you go with WDLM?” I inquired? “Yes I did.” This spawned a wild fire of stories. When he started talking about Zau, a very special orphanage that tends to capture everyone’s heart, I watched as a smile crept upon his face. “There didn’t happen to be a little boy there named Dode (Dough-Dee) was there?” “I never would have remembered his name, but yes, he was actually in my group.” He responded.

Rewind...

Thursday, October 24th 2006

“We visited Zau Orphanage today. I can’t help but to have taken in the surreal moment...sitting in an orphanage in Romania sharing my testimony and the good news of Christ. It felt so good. The girls were quiet at first but did ask questions. Three all asking the same one: How do I get Jesus in my heart?” Dave, Beth and a few others have talked to me about my job and my future. I know they believe that I have a heart and a future for orphans. I know they are right – but I do not know where. This I turn over to God. One little boy today stole my heart. Very quiet, but he came over to join me and a couple of the girls. I watched him on and off all day. When it was time to say goodbye, I was losing it – and gave out all my hugs and turned to go to the bus – and there he appeared out of nowhere armed with a hug and a beautiful smile...giving me just enough strength to board. God Bless and keep them all.”

The last hug I received from Dode.

And to think it all started with faith...as small as a mustard seed.

Hurry Over

2007-12-07T10:19:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we are best to hurry over.

When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight." Joshua 4:1-3

Imagine standing on dry ground...where moments before a river had flowed. "Take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan." The middle is an interesting place to pause. Middle by definition is in-between: being neither at the beginning nor at the end in a series. Halfway...often a place of sudden doubt and indecision.

It was this message that fell on my ears a few weeks ago during my Bible study. I still remember on the short drive over...asking God to give me peace on a specific issue...and then arriving to hear this message.

In between the banks of the Jordan...certainly a place of doubt and indecision. Gazing ahead to the unknown promised land...yet glancing over their shoulders to the security they were leaving behind.

"Now the priests who carried the ark remained standing in the middle of the Jordan until everything the LORD had commanded Joshua was done by the people, just as Moses had directed Joshua. The people hurried over." Joshua 4:10

Sometimes when we are contemplating the unknown promise of the future...or returning to the comfort of our past...perhaps it is best that we too...hurry over.

"And the priests came up out of the river carrying the ark of the covenant of the LORD. No sooner had they set their feet on the dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before." Joshua 4:18

Perhaps He is holding the waters just long enough...for us to cross.

Adjust to a new light

2007-12-03T00:30:00.000-06:00

13 kids...1 weekend...no power...new light.

When you walk into the darkness...you can not see. Yet the longer you remain...the world around you slowly begins to reveal itself.

"Follow me...and stay connected" I encouraged the kids as our night walk began. "But we cannot see" they fearfully exclaimed. "Then you are going to have to trust me."

Bundled head to toe...we set out for a night walk throughout camp. Over stumps...under branches...through the woods...into the darkness.

Slowly...our eyes began adjusting to our surroundings. "We’re starting to see better" they excitedly exclaimed.

I think following Christ is a lot like a camp night walk. At first...darkness...unable to make sense of circumstances you can't possibly understand...faith...choosing to trust beyond what you can see...and light...slowly allowing the world around you to reveal itself with a different glow.

Turns out our night walk prepared us for what the rest of the weekend would bring...an ice storm and a loss of power and heat Saturday afternoon through Sunday morning. In the darkness...we could not see. But by the flame of 2 fireplaces...beam of 3 flashlights...and tiny flicker of battery powered tea lights for the kids...we adjusted to new light. (With all of the creativity and improvising we could muster)

As the lights clicked on after we were packed and ready to head home Sunday morning...you would have thought the kids endured World War III as the “battle stories” of survival were shared.

“Brandy...can you play “How Great is Our God” again? I love that song.” This coming from a kid who scoffed every time I asked them to sing...you never know where God is at work.

Learn to allow the faint light of the moon to guide you vs. waiting on the sun to shine.

The rest...is up to you

2007-11-30T09:08:00.000-06:00

Retreat – haven, hideaway, sanctuary, refuge.

There is that anxious feeling brewing this morning. When the clock strikes 5 bells, the bus will depart from the youth center to pickup kids for a weekend winter retreat. Regardless of how many you have confirmed, you never know who will actually attend until the bus is camp bound. We are taking a group of around 15 5th & 6th graders. We purposely target a smaller group of kids, to create a more intimate atmosphere at camp.

“Don’t worry about creating the right spiritual atmosphere Brandy, camp will do that...you just have to be open and willing to share God’s word.”

This month’s scripture theme at the youth center has revolved around getting connected:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Lord, apart from you, I can do nothing, especially with my limited understanding and experience. I will plan the retreat and walk up in front of these kids to share your word...but you’re going to have to do the rest.

Sing for Joy

2007-11-29T00:48:00.000-06:00

I naively came to Christ. I surrendered my life unaware of the sacrifice it takes to follow Him. That is the truth. I surrendered my life...because everything I had poured my soul into...and put my faith into...had not given me peace...

Happy is temporary. Joy is lasting. My happy came and went with circumstances. I did not know joy. In grim circumstances...when happiness flees...joy is coveted. One morning I heard a promise...joy delivered through Christ...where do I sign?

There are days I feel I should have read the fine print. :)

Today is not one of those days. Today is a day when the joy is living so active inside me...I can hardly keep it contained. Today is a day when the sacrifice required seems miniscule in comparison to the joy living within.

Sacrifices will vary...

...but the joy will remain.

A woman shared during my Bible study this morning that her sister is so close to coming to Christ because she is in desperate need of hope, but she is not sure she is willing to surrender everything to Him. This is when it hit me...this thought never even crossed my mind...I simply jumped after the promise of joy...

...and praise God every day since then that I received it.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

Give Thanks

2007-11-25T01:14:00.000-06:00

"Thank you for this food." A simple prayer...often skipped completely...or spoken routinely. But have you ever paused long enough to consider the value?

"Is there anything I can be praying for you?" I asked my 5th and 6th grade discipleship group. "Yes...please pray for food...we don't have any in the house...and can't afford anything." After the prayer, I took her aside to speak with her. "Dad started a new job and doesn't get paid until Friday." I had one thought...Friday...was painfully after Thanksgiving. "How would you like if I dropped off a Thanksgiving basket with plenty of food for the holidays?" I inquired. "Really Brandy...you would do that? Thank you so much!" She grabbed a hold of me with a hug. Thanks to our Moline food pantry...this became a reality...for a family who tries...a family who works...a family who came up short...a family who may have paused long enough to give genuine thanks this holiday season.

There is much I want to teach these kids...but every day they continue to teach me.

Slow down...count your blessings...give thanks. Happy Thanksgiving!

From burdens to bridges

2007-11-18T22:49:00.000-06:00

"Sometimes I feel like I was called into ministry too soon"...I admitted to my boss. And I do. I was just beginning to get my feet wet into what it meant to be a Christian...when I jumped into the fire.

I've been battling with God recently. On a very personal level.

John Perkins spoke at the CCDA conference, and as he referenced a child whom he'd lost before his time...he said that it was ok to be mad at God...He can handle it. I'm not sure mad is the right word...but it's not wrong either.

I received an email with a picture message that has stuck with me...an individual carrying his cross...and as the burden got too heavy to bear...he would cut a piece off to lighten the load...a little further down the road...as it got rough...another piece would come off...this happened several times along his path...until the burden wasn’t so heavy to carry. But as he reached the end of his road...he came across a deep ravine that needed crossing. He watched as others around him used their crosses as bridges to pass through to the other side. However as he threw his across the ravine, he realized due to his lightened load...it was not long enough to cross. He had endured an easier journey...only to miss the destination.

When I'm being tested the most...I am careful of my prayer life...not for a lighter burden...but the strength to carry my cross...as it was given.

More than a book

2007-11-13T10:44:00.000-06:00

Every Wednesday morning...I make the short drive to church...to attend a women’s Bible study alongside many other women from different walks of life. As we wrap up a 10-week study...I reflect back on the journey and learning process I'm completing. How does each study continue to meet me where I am...and directly relate to my circumstances? As we share around our tables...it is evident that it has met all of these women exactly where they needed to be met. This divine reality never goes unnoticed. I'll never forget the first time the Bible became a living word in my life. In the prior days...the Bible was merely a book...a book of old rules...a book of old words...merely a book. I remember watching the elderly people I knew reading it...and wondering why they continually read it...knowing full well they had read it before. That was before I realized that those words...are never the same twice.

I'm currently reading another book...peppermint-filled piñatas...which illustrates how to move from simply tolerating people to loving people (even the difficult ones). The author shared a story of his encounter with a young gas station attendant who had begun passing his late night shift by reading a recently acquired stolen Bible. The question was simple...the answer profound. “Do you believe in God?” to which the attendant responded an answer the author would never forget “I never did, but now I know he is real because he is speaking to me through the Bible."

...more than a book.

Smile

2007-11-08T11:17:00.000-06:00

This photo simply leaves you with that warm feeling...that is worth sharing...with the gentle reminder...to smile.

(Thanks Amie for sharing)

A Friend like Him

2007-11-06T09:43:00.000-06:00

One of the more humorous descriptions of God came from a good friend of mine..."He's like an imaginary friend for grown-ups." While it demonstrates unbelief...the quote has brought much laughter between us.

When I first made the choice to follow Christ...it did seem like a black and white decision I came to..."yes...I choose to believe without proof." But after making that black and white decision...my faith began filling in with color.

Before you come to have a personal relationship with God...it may seem feasible to reduce Him down to an imaginary friend. However, my belief is no longer solely defined by a decision I made early one morning. My belief is solidified by Him...and His active presence in my life.

Through many tests and trials, I have caught myself wrestling with unbelief...and I’ve learned to openly give that up to Him...and seek His assistance.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

I’ve also had the joy recently as I work through my Bible study to look back throughout my past and witness “His thread” along my life. Each time He allowed me to fail...helped me succeed...sifted where I needed sifting...and gently restored my brokenness.

And that my friends...is not imaginary. Blessed are those with a friend like Him.

I was blessed

2007-11-01T23:55:00.000-05:00

God's blessings never come in the packages we expect...or follow the timelines we set...

because God's blessings surpass any dream you felt like dreaming...outshine any day you felt like singing...

God’s blessings don’t leave room for error or wonder. It was Him.

God’s blessings lead you to your knees...once again divinely amazed by His goodness.

Today...I was blessed.

She's Gone Country

2007-10-31T23:14:00.000-05:00

Awhile back, I started listening to Christian music more than any other genre...but truth be known, country runs in my veins. On occasion...my dial would lead me back home. But have you ever realized how depressing country music can be? I had been on a several month hiatus from country...doing the Christian thing. And Christian music doesn't let you stay down...even in the troughs...you learn to stand on hope. But this country deal let's you wallow. And I wasn't ready for wallowing...flip that dial. Tried again a few months later. Nope...not yet. But this week...I needed my fix...and I listened. Perhaps I hit some upbeat songs...or maybe I'm in a happier place...but I've gone country once again. Love Christian...but I'll always need my country. :) Cleaning my place...rocking out to Mountain Music...never felt so good. Oh I know someone hears me.

Bible study again this morning...talked about reframing our past...with God in the picture. Oh what a different picture that paints. We can't help but remember our pasts...our hurts...our shames...but once we have given those over to God...we no longer need to wear our reproach that is attached to them...for He's already worn it for us...and might wonder why we are wearing the same thing. God is good. All the time.

Without love...it's just the law

2007-10-30T23:52:00.000-05:00

Tyvon is not moving...at least for now. I'm getting to know his mom and his grandma better. Getting in with the kids is relatively simple...tearing down the walls to get closer to their families is a bit harder. A parent once told me that you love anyone who loves your kids. Hope this holds true.

In a Beth Moore Bible study last week, Believing God, she talked about the heritage you leave your kids. “Without the love...it’s just the law.” She was referring to how we should raise God loving, God fearing children. Many kids will take the fire insurance...anybody can be scared away from hell. But they need to understand that if they miss His love...if they miss His grace...they’ve missed it all...they’ve missed life.

How are you doing?

2007-10-29T10:36:00.000-05:00

It was a question I was asked yesterday. But not in the generic...not really wanting to know or even waiting for an answer sort of way. But in a "I know what you've been through...how are you actually doing" sort of way. Truthfully it was the first time in a long time that I slowed down long enough to consider it.

The rest of the day I played the question over and over again in my head. Simple enough question, I could even count the hundred times throughout the day I was asked it. But this one...was different.

It wasn't only me wrestling with the answer that captivated me. It was the feeling that someone genuinely cared to wait for a heartfelt response.

It has me thinking...what a simple gesture we could all mimic. Taking the time for compassion...taking the time for people. Slowing down our business to actually find out...

How are you doing today?

One of those nights

2007-10-26T23:29:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to form words for my feelings...but how? I drove home tonight knowing I should be in tears...but unable. I drove home tonight wondering if I've grown detached...but heartbroken. I drove home tonight...and the garage door closed behind me...and the tears exploded. I hit my knees on my garage floor - Lord no child should endure this.

When it's late, and you're spent...and you just want the night to be over. You have to muster from somewhere inside that loving voice..."come on guys...get back in the van...we'll go on an adventure." They are locked out. Their phone is shut off. Their neighbor will not take them in. Their 9 year old brother tries to stand up as the "man of the family" and decide where they should go.

I return to the center...three kids in tote.

"It's one of those nights Brandy." "Oh no...what's going on?"

"One of those nights" is our seemingly popular tag line...which usually means that it is going to be a late one. Late...for a variety of reasons. "You won't believe who just walked in...Dude." "Dude" is a name Chris and Willie have given to a few different kids...who show up randomly...usually have deeper issues going on...who will add several hours to the night...who we never turn away.

We know sometimes our patience grows thin. It is unpredictable the night or the hour they will walk through our doors...but it is in these nights...in these hours...they most need to experience His love. God...give us the strength.

A lot like the weather

2007-10-20T17:51:00.000-05:00

"As we think about having a Godly reputation, is there anything I can be praying for you about?" I ask.

Tyvon's 3rd grade hand shot up..."Yeah...that we won't do drugs." "Do you know people that do them?" I inquire. "Yeah, outside my house they do all the time."

Quite frankly, I already knew this - he certainly lives in one of the more "active" corners of Century Woods. But...I guess I didn't realize that he would know the difference. Kids aren't as naive as I'd like to believe. He put in a bad day today, but that was obvious when he walked in...often times whatever is going on at home...is somehow painted on them when they arrive. A side of him surfaced that I had never seen before. Even the best behaved kids are still affected by their environments. Each time this reality hits me...it stings all over again.

"Brandy are you dressing up for Halloween?"..."I don't know - what should I be?"..."You could be a mustard seed!" Dakari responded with a big smile...as he remembered our "faith as small as a mustard seed" message from weeks before.

Sometimes there is a steady breeze...while others it comes and goes with the storm. Some storms never seem to end...while others are followed by a rainbow. Emotions are a lot like the weather.