Bruised...and badly mangled...barely recognizable from the beating heart the Creator formed within me.
"Your heart has been so misshapen by the twists of Satan's lies that you'd better not trust it for a while. You'll know when your heart is starting to get well. It will hurt so badly with throbbing pangs of repentance, you'll think you're going to die. And you will. Then God will raise you from the very thing that has been the death of you. He really will give you a future."
The penned words of Beth Moore* hit deep.
I had allowed my heart to become a war zone. The wounded needed healed. The carnage needed cleared.
Imagine a path...which the Creator destined for us to walk...surrounded - both sides - by the wilderness...desert...temptation...sin. We go astray...we all do...believing the lie...chasing the idol.
Coming.up.short.
From within the wilderness...an awareness of my surroundings begins to surface. What am I doing here? This is not where I was created to tread. I faintly remember the path. I feel Him drawing near. I question...
From this place...you want me?
In this shape...you'll take me?
Leaving my thoughts...my eyes settle on the page before me...
"Because you know it's your only ticket to freedom, by a sheer act of your will, chain yourself to the wrist of Christ and start taking your first steps out of the darkness. You probably don't trust anyone right now, and you're not even sure you can trust God. You can, but you'll learn all that for yourself. No one can really tell you what you're about to learn for yourself -- if you are willing. Don't worry about the future right now. Just offer Him your wrist and tell Him to drag you home even if you're not sure you belong or even want to go. You do. You're just too wounded right now to feel it"
In an act of trepid desperation...fear almost suffocating...I surrender...hoping He'd drag me home.
[more recently]
If I'm honest...
It was not an easy journey - sometimes painful - mostly painful - crossing back through the briar patches I had previously maneuvered (scars bearing witness). Digging in my heals...certain I could take no more. Painting pictures of Egypt...missing the very captivity I was attempting to escape.
Yet my heart yearned for freedom.
And so I believe it was in these moments...
He dragged me.
(Now according to the Footprints poem - perhaps the Lord carried...but given my stubbornness and the hard knocks I surely endured along the way...I'm going to stick with the dragging theory.)
And finally...in a moment of revelation not long ago, I was talking with my Heavenly Father...noting the change He had done within me. Like a dry sponge dropped into a bucket of water...healing had absorbed into my core. And I felt...different...
as I contemplated...He whispered..."I'm giving you back your heart."
The air stilled around me as the weightiness of this transaction settled into my soul. I felt my heart beating strong within me...
Whole. Restored. Complete.
I recently looked into the eyes of a dear sister who had been abandoned by her husband. I felt the weight of her brokenness and the fear that enveloped her -- wanting nothing more than the pieces to be put back together.
Oh how I've been there dear one. I've felt that pain. I've worn rejection like a cloak. To some degree, haven't we all?
There are no words that offer enough salve for the soul...but if I could whisper, ever so gently into your ear...
"Don't chase the idol. Healing is not found in the arms of another or the bottom of a bottle. Healing is found in Christ alone. Hold out your wrist and ask Him to drag you home."
Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Matthew 10:39
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
*When Godly People Do Ungodly Things Bible Study, Beth Moore
