Come and listen

As my grandfather clock chimes and painfully brings me aware of the hour, and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee fills the air...I am reminded that I'm officially "back in school." And I'm sadly reminded that the 20-something procrastinating girl pursing a computer science degree is the same almost 30-something procrastinating girl pursing an urban youth ministry certificate, at least in the procrastination department. This is precisely why I'm pausing long enough to write this post. But in my defense...when God gives you something worth sharing...share...

God ministers to me through music. He'll lay a song on my heart...and I'll find myself compelled to play that single song on repeat during a particular phase/issue of my life. This might last a few days, it might last a few weeks. For whatever reason, when I sat down last night to dive into my schoolwork, Come and Listen by the David Crowder Band became the solitaire song that would march me through this round of studies. iTunes...repeat...the song faintly serenades me in the background.

"Come and listen...come to the water's edge all you who know and fear the Lord...come and listen...come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty...come....let me tell you what He has done for me...let me tell you what He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us."

I have heard those lyrics 100 times by now.

But in the midst of my studies...as I'm reading the assigned book, Deep Justice in a Broken World, I learn the common mistake youth ministries make as they try to inspire service among their youth. Often times they error on the side of guilt, by trying to inspire service through our responsibility to God. Other times they error on the side of grace...which has led youth to maintain status quo, feeling good about themselves, but taking little action to seek justice for others.

As I read a little further...I paused..."As kingdom followers, we don't right wrongs out of duty, or out of our destined-to-fail attempts to earn our salvation. We right wrongs because of all God has done for us."

Immediately the lyrics of the song playing in the background infiltrated the room..."He has done for me...He has done for you...He has done for us." In that moment it clicked. Why am I so in love with Jesus Christ? Why have I laid down my life to serve him...joyfully? Why do I want to right every wrong he places before me?

It's simple...because I know what He did for me...what He did for you...what He did for us. I know what He's still doing in me.

Fearing God

"The remarkable thing about fearing God is that when you fear God, you fear nothing else; whereas if you do not fear God, you fear everything else." Oswald Chambers, The Highest Good

Power of our testimony

A friend once told me the importance of capturing our faith walks and testimonies in written journals, for reading God's presence and answered prayers in our own lives could sometimes speak just as loudly as the Bible. But do I dare compare my own ramblings to the very word of God? Perhaps the better question is whether or not I dare to see the affect of God actually living in us?

I penned the ending to a very painful chapter of my life tonight. I imagine closing the cover of the book and placing it on a bookshelf. Here it will undoubtedly affect how the rest of the books will be written, but this book in particular no longer needs to be edited. For it will rest on the shelf, in its rightful place, and fulfill its obligation in the story.

That one hurt Lord. It really hurt.

To make sense of how all the pieces fell together, I pulled out my old journals and let them re-tell the story...I now had the ending for. But the girl in those journals, she didn't know how it would end. She didn't know one day it would be ok. I read as she struggled and questioned and cried, yet pursued a faith she didn't quite understand. HOPE I read as she surrendered. I read as she was healed. I read as she found unexpected purpose. FAITH

I wonder what she would think today, if she could read her own words, and understand they served a greater purpose. If she could see her own pain and bad choices, and the good which came from them. And then I wonder if she would understand how marvelously God planned to use her all along.

for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. Isaiah 25:1

Finally, I wonder if she would know the power of the words of her testimony. It's God's story after all...she's just supposed to tell it.

That's My King!

People are not confused by the gospel...they're really not. People are confused by what we've done to the gospel...what we've attached to the gospel. When you actually meet the God of the Bible, our one true God...things start to make sense. You're blown away by His saving grace...His ability to use our brokenness...you are awe struck by the plans He has for YOUR life. You bask in His forgiveness...you are healed from your past...and relish in your new found future. When you actually meet our one true God...you find meaning...you discover purpose...you experience relationship...you redefine true love.

I think sadly our view of God has somehow been reduced to what we the people have reduced it too. He's weak, he's distant, he's unjustly judgmental, he's lame.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't serve a God like that...I really wouldn't. Why would I chase a faith that bored me? People often ask where my passion and zeal for the Lord comes from...to which I can only reply...do you know Him? I've always been a bit of an adrenaline/adventure junkie. Give me a cliff and I'll bail off it...take me to the ocean and I'll dive into it. Introduce me to an All Mighty, All Powerful, All Knowing, All Loving God...

and yeah...I'll follow Him...because that's my king!

I wonder...do know Him?

The Blue Note

I don't know much about jazz music. But I do know a man who walks the streets of Rock Island who is known as the "Jazz Man." He's been my icon of the streets since I started life in ministry. I see him and my whole heart smiles. I struck up a conversation with him in the grocery store one evening and he told me about his love of jazz music and asked me if I had heard of one of a hundred jazz musicians. Admittedly, I'd heard of none. I have no doubt he has forgotten more in his lifetime than I'll ever know.

No, I really don't know much about jazz music...but I'm learning the importance of giving voice to pain. Apparently there is something in jazz called the blue note, the flatted fifth. It is used to build tension in the music. It is used to give voice to pain.

Last night a few friends and I went to listen to the same artist, Andrew Landers, who ultimately inspired the bed project for the boys through his music. He's a simple man with an amazing talent...and a story to tell. From the adoption of his youngest blessings from West Africa...to him and his wife's efforts to fight for clean water around the globe, he struck a chord in my soul.

Apparently 1.1 billion people do not have clean drinking water on the planet, that is one in six of us. Mothers making the choice daily for their children...drink this water and die because it is unclean...or don't drink this water and die of thirst.

I don't know much about jazz music...but I'm pretty sure he must have found the blue note...giving voice to pain...

perhaps the first condition to healing.

The portrait of grace

Bringing awareness to a family in need...1 email.

Moving furniture and belongings...2 weekends.

Family of four...sleeping in beds last night...priceless.


One may never know the happenings behind the closed door of another, uncovering our need to pursue grace in place of judgment.

I know every day spent behind this mother's door is not perfect, for I have witnessed it first hand. But I've also witnessed my own far-from-perfect days...

so I choose grace.

For grace paints a simplistic and beautiful portrait. Grace paints an unexpected visit to the apartment and finds belongings put up...beds made...and a soft glow flickering from the mother's bedside dresser...as the candle releases traces of fall throughout the house.

Yes...I choose grace.

Thank you for your donations, thoughts and prayers! Know this family was blessed because of YOU.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

Crying for the children

"I think we've come up with some beds...and I've got an overwhelming response from people who have other items they'd like to donate...is there anything else that you need?" She was reluctant to share her needs, but with some gentle prodding a simple list was built. She paused for a moment...and with a genuine, sincere voice she spoke..."thank you Brandy." How can I even begin to tell her that it has nothing to do with me?

I'm sorting through the responses I've already received for the beds. Your generosity has both touched and inspired me. Adding to their need, I'm also searching for dishes, silverware, dressers, couch/loveseat, TVs, lamps, blankets, sheets, pillows, etc. If you've already responded, I promise to get back to you. Thank you! If you'd still like to contribute, please drop me a line. I'm excited to believe we can have her place fully furnished in two weeks. Oh the joy this brings me! A deep and sincere thank you from the very bottom of my heart!

You have made a difference in the life of a child today!

A grandmother whom I'd never met before came into the center this afternoon. I know her family and love her grandkids. She enlightened me on some realities going on behind closed doors. She wept when I hugged her and told her that I would do what I could for those children. I took a deep breath and walked in to continue helping the teens with homework, like the conversation had never happened. But tonight, her words haunt my thoughts and weigh heavy on my heart. I'm left to wrestle with the question I often ask God...what can I possibly do?

A very good friend of mine recently returned home from a mission trip to New Zealand where he worked with inner-city youth on a film project. If there is one thing I've discovered in this ministry, it is the fact that a hurting child is a hurting child...regardless of what side of the state or ocean they live. He shared with me a poem, written by one of the students he ministered to...

Who cries for the children,
Who are standing in the rain,
Who will lend them comfort, who will feel their pain
Look upon their filthy hand,
Touch not the one badly bruised
Look into their fearful eyes
See the faces of those abused
Who cries for the children
Who feels their hurt and pain
Who gives them love and comfort
Who shelters them from the rain
Look upon their shattered lives
Feel the festering in their souls
Tell me who will lend their hand and lift them from their souls
Who will take a stand
Who will turn away in fright
Who will pretend they don't see the terrors that fill their night
Who will turn their backs
Who will refuse to see
Who will stand and say
These things just cannot be
Who cries for the children?
Who really will feel their pain?


Thank you for crying for these children. Thank you for feeling their pain.

The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:40

Not in my backyard...

As the set was coming to a close and the evening was wrapping up...the musician led us into his last song. I had joined a few friends out for an evening of live music. I'm not sure of the title and the words are a little foggy...but the main point I carried home. The music and lyrics told the tale of how we tend to build and protect our own worlds...yet find it relatively easy to ignore other's worlds around us, perhaps without verbally stating..."It's not my problem"...or as the song stated "It's not in my backyard..."

I've learned to both love and hate convicting songs...messages...and words. Six words instantly began repeating in my head. "My boys sleep on the floor"..."My boys sleep on the floor"..."My boys sleep on the floor." The boys I take to church with me every Sunday...and their older sister who I disciple...and their mother who I've formed a relationship with...do not sleep on beds since they moved into their new apartment. The boys sleep on the floor, their sister and mother sleep on couches in the living room.

My boys sleep on the floor.

Their mom asked me last night if I knew of any organization who could help them acquire beds. I told her I'd ask around, but nothing came to mind. I hung up the phone, reflected for a few minutes and then went on with the business of the night. Truthfully I didn't think about it again until I crawled into my own bed last night...and then again as the song convicted me tonight.

Now I don't have to help them...it is far beyond my job description. But there's something that just absolutely breaks my heart to picture them curled up on the floor.

There's a family...single mother, 12 year old daughter, 9 and 7 year old sons...who need beds to sleep in at night.

I know there are worse things and bigger problems...but if you feel led to help tackle this one...please email me at brandy@chaffer.net.

Do you have a bed you are not using and would be willing to donate?

Do you know where to get cheap used beds?

Are you willing to donate toward the purchase of a bed?

I'll sign off with one of my favorite quotes from Freedom Writer's, spoken from the character who helped hide Anne Frank during the Holocaust. A quote proven pretty popular around the center...

"I am not a hero... I did what I had to do because it was the right thing to do...that is all...we are all ordinary people....even an ordinary secretary or housewife or teenager can within their own small ways turn on a small light in a dark room."

Perhaps we've begun to take steps towards understanding Christ's love, when "not in my backyard" is spoken for injustices you refuse to accept for those around you vs. an excuse not to engage.

Boys sleeping on the floor...not in my backyard... :)

a story to tell

I finished reading the last composition notebook as the tears welled up. I brought the notebooks as close to my heart as I possibly could and tightly hugged them there. The tears fell full stream and I began to feverishly pray for the girls behind the stories. In that instant I realized how much I love them...how my whole being wants to see them succeed...how blessed I am to have them in my life.

When I was making the decision to leave my corporate job and enter into full-time ministry, I remember going to the movies alone...with this unwavering desire to see Freedom Writers. I remember the brisk air brushed against my cheeks as I walked across the parking lot after the credits rolled...a sheepish grin drawn across my face as I realized..."I'm actually going to do this."

When it comes to emotions, I've always been more likely to express myself on paper vs. to utter a word. With some of the Jr. High girls showing a similar reluctance to open up, I shamelessly stole the Freedom Writers approach, and handed out journal notebooks. And the girls began to write. If they leave their notebook in the top basket, that gives me permission to read it, bottom basket, and it's off limits. Imagine my excitement when the first few journals found their way into the top basket.

Everyone has a story...waiting to be told...perhaps hidden secrets, hurts and scars from our past...or worries about our future. We all have a story to tell. Maybe we're just waiting for someone to listen...or on a good day...maybe we're simply waiting for someone to care.

On the way home tonight a thought crossed my mind...I don't know if I'm saving these kids or they're saving me...

I know...I know...guess we'll leave the saving to Jesus. ;)

A choice

When sleep eludes me in the middle of the night, I'm in the silly habit of muttering to God in frustration, usually as I roll my eyes..."Ok God...you've woken me up for something...what is it this time?" Sometimes I actually do have a profound moment with Him, either through his Word or prayer...other times I simply continue to kick the sheets until sleep falls again.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night as though it was midday. "Ok God...I'm all ears." I looked at my Bible laying on the floor, but didn't hear it calling my name...so I decided to seek greater adventures...and moseyed downstairs. :) I flipped on the TV just as Dangerous Minds was beginning. (A 90's movie about a teacher struggling to connect with students in an inner-city school.) "Really, this is why you woke me up?" I said in jest as I settled in to watch. I had seen the movie a couple times before...but this time I watched until the class period which they discussed verbs. They camped on one verb in particular...I watched the outcome of the discussion and then flipped off the TV, walked upstairs and fell asleep. But the next morning and every day since then I've continually reflected on their verb..."choose."

more from The Shack...

Jesus speaking..."Have you noticed that even though you call me Lord and King, I have never really acted in that capacity with you? I've never taken control of your choices or forced you to do anything, even when what you were about to do was destructive or hurtful to yourself and others."

main character..."I would have preferred that you did take control at times. It would have saved me and people I care about a lot of pain."

"To force my will on you," Jesus replied, "is exactly what love does not do. Genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If we didn't have the total freedom to choose...we would not have the absolute ability to love.

God created the world because he loves us.

God created us to love him.

Love is a choice.

The Shack - Is God really good?

Many people, including myself, have struggled with the basic concept of God being good. We hear God is good...we hear God is love...but we look around this broken world and what do we see? Why would a loving God allow so much pain and suffering? It is a question I've been asked...it is a question I've asked myself...face down with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Is God really good?

I just finished reading The Shack. A fictional book, with an amazing testimony of God interwoven. A thought-provoking, inspiring story worth sharing! I look forward to touching on the many gems the author has eloquently buried, but I'll start by sharing a simplistic thought that reveals a concept that may plague the masses...

This is a perspective in the book from God to the main character...

"The real underlying flaw in your life Mackenzie, is that you don't think that I am good. If you knew I was good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives - is all covered by my goodness, then while you might not always understand what I am doing, you would trust me. But you don't."

"Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."

The Shack, William P. Young

The unplanned journey

On the high from last night's Friday Night Flavor kick off (our version of Hip Hop Church)...I intended to hit the bike trail this morning to give God some praise. We have made some very significant changes in the ministry lately, the Friday night program being one of them. Although we are working through the many kinks of new beginnings...we feel God has already shown us very visible signs that we are on the right path. With my iPod loaded...I looked forward to the serenity of the riverfront...

But as I neared the path...I discovered the entrance was blocked. I circled around awhile in hopes this problem would quickly go away. I searched for another entrance...no luck there either...I kept circling. Finally after perhaps my 3rd pass...I conceded to a change of plans. A bit frustrated, I hit the sidewalks and city streets (not quite the serene image I had imagined).

Nevertheless I searched for a new adventure. After inhaling a bit of exhaust and surviving the depths of a few pot holes...I found myself on the trails of a park I had never ridden...but had previously visited. I rounded the corner and pedaled faster towards a shelter. As it came into view...I slowed down to a standstill and the memories flooded back. This was where I spent the first day on the job of my first promotion at John Deere. I accepted the position and joined my new co-workers on a team-building day in the park. I remember having to get directions to find it...I remember skeptically walking up to the group and making introductions...I remember what I wore...I remember getting a picture of an excavator pinned to my back and having to guess what it was without seeing it...I remember not knowing what to call it even after I did. :) I remember questioning why a farm girl was moving into the Construction & Forestry Division of John Deere.

Why was this day so significant? I have started many new jobs, teams, experiences...but this memory was vivid. I didn't have to ponder the question long before the answer came to me...this was the day I joined the team...which would ultimately change my life.

It was on this team where faith was eventually presented to me in a genuine, non-threatening, real way...that I had never seen before. It was on this team...three individuals on separate occasions reached out to me...to share God's love. It was on this team...I was invited to my first official Bible study (they still meet before work every Friday). It was on this team...I started listening to Christian radio...and was eventually lead to Christ.

I peddled not 30 feet up the road and realized I was in my current Executive Director's back yard...and I smiled. Who would have thought...a personal journey which started practically on his back doorstep would eventually lead me directly back there...under drastically different circumstances.

The unplanned journey...was worth the adventure.

There is a love story

"The disciples' realization that Christ is who He says He is compelled them to obedience. That is the historic reality of Christianity. Understanding this is crucial, for it distinguishes Christianity from all other religions. The Christian faith rests not merely upon great teachings or philosophies, not upon the charisma of a leader, not upon the success in raising moral values, not upon the skill or eloquence or good works of its advocates. If it did, it would have no more claim to authority than the sayings of Confucius or Mao or Buddha or Mohammed or any of a thousand cults. Christianity rests on historical truth. Jesus lived, died, and rose from the dead to be Lord of all - not just in theory or fable, but in fact. With that understood, Christianity must evoke from the believer the same response it drew from the first disciples: a passionate desire to obey and please God - a willingly entered-into discipline. That is the beginning of true discipleship. That is the beginning of loving God." taken from Loving God, Chuck Colson p.40

God has a unique way of meeting you exactly where you are...therefore I'm not sure what other attendees might say was their big take away from the Leadership Summit this year...but mine was clear: Get on your face before God...and live out his greatest command...to love Him. To love Him...imagine the simplicity. All this time I've been feverishly scrambling around, desperately trying to serve Him...and missing the foundational truth...of love. As strange as it sounds, it was as though I heard this concept for the first time. It was certainly the first time it penetrated me to the core.

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. Matthew 22:37-38

There is a love story...buried in the depths of all of our souls...

let it keep you up at night...if you don't know it.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

Open palm surrender

I have learned that praying to submit and actually submitting are two very different things. I had become very good at hanging onto those things that I wanted to keep, with tightly clenched fists...all the while praying to give them up. I picture God responding..."I'm not going to take them from you child...I'll patiently wait until you give them to me."

But His patiently waiting took the form of repeatedly teaching me the same lessons over and over again...until finally...with open palms...I released them.

Awhile ago, as sleep alluded me, I caught a Joni Eareckson Tada special on TV. For those of you who do not know her story, I encourage you to look her up, she's an amazing gem. She was left quadriplegic after a diving accident in 1967, leaving behind a 17 year old healthy, athletic body. Her story is inspiring, but her faith is astounding. Something that she said during the special never left me...it was her cry out to God from her hospital bed after the accident. If God claimed to be all loving, and use every circumstance for good...she was going to be his testing ground. For in her paralysis, she had nothing else to gain...than to test God's goodness, his purpose, his love, and completely surrender to his will.

You can imagine Joni will never claim to have led an easy life. But amazingly you will never hear her doubt God's love or purpose either. God uses her in amazing ways from the chair, in ways that she simply could not have be used on her legs. (Some may question did God do this to her? I personally don't at all believe so. But I do believe that God is willing to use the circumstances of a broken world...for good.)

I was moved by her surrender. Instead of choosing bitterness, she chose to believe. And isn't belief the first step towards willful submission? After some reflection, I realized that I was refusing to submit, because I was actually refusing to believe. Refusing to believe that what he had planned for me was greater than what I could create for myself...even in the areas I wanted desperately to control. So with open palms...I prayed again...

"Thank you child...I was just getting ready to pry." :)

This is why we're here

It is hard to imagine...one of the first teens I met at the youth center...who first made me feel welcome...then suckered me into buying him McDonald's...is off to college tomorrow.

We laughed tonight as we reflected on those early days. The days when I remember being the intimidated girl in the corner wondering what on earth I was doing at the center...let alone how I was going to start building relationships with those kids.

It is hard to imagine that same girl stood on his doorstep tonight in tears...sending him off to school.

I came back to the youth center with my summer intern, who is also preparing to return to the same school...and it was quiet...and dark...and I just looked around for a moment...gazing at the walls of that center..."this is it Christina...this is why we're here...to develop more Christopher's."

Christopher overcame more than most of us can imagine to be able to stand where he is standing. And it was such a blessing to see aspects of our ministry kick into action to bless him. Granting him our CF Scholarship to help with his tuition...and finding a very generous couple...very close to my heart...to fund his books.

Christopher can not control the situation or income-level he was born into...any more that we can control the weather. But look what we can do...together. Don't tell me we can't change the world...it happens...one heart at a time.

Father God I pray blessings and guidance over Christopher's life. I pray in his moments of weakness, you will grant him strength. I pray he never forgets your saving grace and that his heart remains focused on you. He's beyond our reigns now God...but we're confidently turning them over to you...realizing that you've had them all along. Bless and Keep him. In Christ's name I pray...Amen.

Blessed with discomfort

As I sat and listened to Craig Groeschel, Senior Pastor of LifeChurch.tv give his concluding remarks at this year's Leadership Summit I was unexpectedly moved to tears. I turned my head down towards my lap in the feeble attempt to remain unnoticed. It was here, much to my dismay...anguish swept through me...and the tears fell unapologetically. Embarrassment might have threatened had I not caught a glimpse of my co-worker losing the same battle...as he discreetly wiped away his own tears.

Craig concluded with a prayer for us from a Franciscan Benediction. I'll share with you the same...

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain in to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Some nights I don't like the discomfort that owns my soul. I don't like the heartbreak I have for this community. I don't like the images of the Romanian orphans that run rampant in my head. And I don't like the realities my kids face when I drop them off at night.

But God didn't ask me to like it. He asked me to share in his heartbreak...and then do something about it.

May God bless you with discomfort.

Love, Alysha

I began reading a youth ministry book awhile ago. I still remember the chapter when he talked about the night he decided to quit his job, cash in and throw in the towel and leave youth ministry behind. But then he got up the next morning...and didn't tell anyone of his decision...and he went into work and started a new day. Some twenty years later, still in youth ministry, he wrote the book.

I have nights like that. Tonight was wrapping up to be one of them. So I was telling God about it..."I'm not sure what you're doing with me here God...except convincing me that I should not be in children's ministry. I'm honestly not good at it...and what difference is it making anyway?"

I walked down to my mailbox and found a card nestled between the junk mail...I opened it up...and He answered...

Brandy -
I just wanted to write you a quick note telling you how much I've appreciated working with you - you are a true blessing. You are called to children's ministry. It was so great to see you interact with the kids. The love of Jesus is so obvious in your life. The work you do is so hard. The ups and downs are there but Jesus is so constant. Keep depending on Him and clinging to his promises. You are changing lives.

I thought the "Love, Alysha" at the bottom was a nice disguise - using a summer camp counselor to cover his identity. :)


And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

Two Sides

While emailing with the pastor's wife, she asked me to Google "cardboard testimonies" and then let her know if I'd be willing to participate in this weekend's church services, where they'd be recreating the concept. (You may want to Google it yourself and watch the YouTube video.)

She encouraged me that they could use a testimony such as mine. I Googled...I watched...and thought "sure, why not?"

Then she asked the obvious question that suddenly seemed difficult, "Now we have to decide what to put on yours. I was thinking about the fact that you gave up a very lucrative job to work with underprivileged kids or that you got saved and soon responded to a call to ministry, etc. How would you best describe what God has done in you?"

I read her suggestions...and somehow reflecting on my career didn't seem to answer her real question...how would I best describe what God has done in me? So I nestled into my couch and stared at the blank document before me...and began to type...her ideas...then my ideas...copy...paste...cut...move this here...no that's not right. Wait...that's getting closer. Hmmm...that's starting to speak to my heart...yeah...that's it.

I began to read it out loud...but didn't finish without tears steaming down my face. And that's how I knew...this is in fact what God has done in me.

You see by the time I came to Christ...I had a past...and I was in an emotionally broken present...and quite sure I had derailed His plans for my future.

So this morning I nervously...somberly took the stage...with my cardboard testimony...

Broken...sinful...divorced...wondering if He still had a plan for me.

but a smile began bleeding through...because I know now...what I didn't know then...my cardboard testimony...has two sides. So I flipped it over...

Restored...responding to His call into full time ministry.

Many brave souls shared their heart-wrenching testimonies today...set free from addictions, adultery, abuse and everything in between. We covered a vast variety of hurt and sin...but people didn't remember our differences...instead they remembered what we shared the same...the undeniable intervention of Christ. God's saving grace.

If you've ever wondered...if there's more...if you've ever wondered if there's purpose...if you've ever wondered...if there's a plan for YOU...if you've ever felt as though everything in world has been stripped away and you are at the very bottom...rest assured...Christ will meet you there.

There are two sides to your testimony.

True Grace

This afternoon, we had a camp celebration for the 5th & 6th graders to touch base with them before school starts and camp fades into a distant memory. We ended the program with the raffle of a new bike, but kept the prize a secret until the end.

There were two kids in the back who continually caused a disruption during the program. As I'm having a "moment" with one of them in the hallway, I'm reminded why he continually tested my nerves at camp. I threatened to take his raffle ticket away, which generated the typical response, "I don't care." The prize was still unknown and truthfully, like most of us, he was probably plagued with the reality that his chances weren't that good of winning anyway.

Nevertheless I offered him a choice, take his ticket and go respectfully sit down or give me the ticket and stay in the hallway. Moments later, he was sitting with his ticket in hand. But the pep talk didn't last long I thought, as less than five minutes later I was once again holding his chances of winning the bike.

But as the message came to a close and the bike was revealed...one word danced through my head. Grace. I reluctantly walked over to him, bent down and quietly asked "Do you know what grace is?" He shook his head. "It's receiving something that we don't deserve. None of us deserved Christ to die for our sins...but he did it anyway. You do not deserve this ticket...but I'm going to give it to you anyway. That's grace."

As he got off the bus during drop off, I hollered out the door..."You remember what grace is Raequan?" And as he wheeled his new bike up to his doorstep, he flashed a priceless smile over his shoulder, that let me know...at least for today...he did.

Later that night, I passed Raequan on the streets. He was surrounded by about 5-6 kids showing off his new bike. I was still slightly in awe that he had actually won, and I still wasn't convinced he deserved it...but I was reminded...after all...that is true grace.

Worry about Kieona

Not long ago as I spoke with another girl about God's calling on her life, we discussed how to discern God's nudges. She pointed out a simple discovery..."while God can communicate with us a hundred different ways...he often chooses the same way for each individual...so we can better understand Him."

I've considered it many times since that evening.

This morning I woke up and instantly a scripture marched through my head before my feet could hit the floor. Granted it was paraphrased as it marched...but it marched just the same..."start with the small things...then you will move onto the big things."

Through breakfast...lunch...and dinner...left...right...left...it marched.

Before I lay my head down tonight I realize God's a talking...and as he usually does with me...gently plants a seed and provides the conditions to let it grow.

Tonight I was reminded of what called me into this ministry. I was sitting on my porch, gazing at the stars through the city lights when one of my neighbor girls (also attends CF) ran by...and it hit me...one life. I was convinced when I joined CF that if I could just change one life...one life was enough. As she rounded the corner to run home, I considered the many paths she could run down. And if it is my calling to help her choose the right one, perhaps it won't make a difference to the world, but it sure will make a difference to her.

When I get overwhelmed wanting to impact my city...it is comforting to consider...maybe I don't have to worry about Rock Island right now...maybe I just need to worry about Kieona.

"You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Matthew 25:21

a man named Dutch

Christina and I wheeled around Rock Island feverishly completing registrations as we prepare for our 3rd and 4th grade camp next week. In one of the housing complexes, I reached for my van key which had been resting in my lap during our journey. Much to my surprise, no key was found. It was the expensive sort of key with the automatic clicker physically part of the key itself. We had been using Christina's key that afternoon, but mine had been with us earlier in the day. Panic started to rise in my chest. Where had I gotten out? The gut wrenching feeling began to take hold with the reality that my key was quite likely laying on the streets of the roughest housing complex we serve. Thoughts immediately began spinning as we headed the van west. If an electronic key was found on the streets, there was slim chance we'd get it back. Furthermore since the CF mini-van is known throughout the complex, it would quite possibly not be safe parked at the center, with an outstanding key.

A trip around the complex confirmed our fears...no key. However, we began asking around and randomly a few kids on the streets seemed to vaguely remember someone picking up a key. What seemed like a wild goose chase, led me to a little girl on a bicycle who informed me "Dutch picked something up." "Could you lead me to Dutch's door?" I asked. A few minutes later I was standing on a doorstep, admittedly with anxiety rising as the little girl peddled off. Knock...knock. A man opened the door displaying a mouth full of golden teeth. I began with my simple questions rehearsed in my head moments earlier. "Are you Dutch?" "I dropped a key and was told you may have found it." I paused... Almost instantaneously a smile was painted across his face "I knew someone would come looking for it" and he disappeared for a moment and then returned with the lost key, genuinely happy to return it to the rightful owner. I graciously thanked him as the door shut before me. I looked over towards Christina in absolute awe as we stood there a moment.

It is hard to tear down judgments, but people regardless of appearances, histories or lifestyles will continue to surprise me. I continue to be a student of the streets...and this day I learned my lesson from a man...named Dutch.

Atta boy

With Bibles and basketballs in their hands and new T-shirts on their backs, over 200 campers walked out of the last day of Hoops 4 Hope as the gym doors closed behind them. As the 3 day basketball camp ended, the volunteers joined hands and prayed for what the future would bring for those kids.

The entire camp seemed to be held with a much humbler spirit this year, or perhaps I myself was looking through much humbler eyes. I think God does a mightier work when it becomes less about ourselves and more about His glory.

During one of the Bible stations, the leader probed..."what makes you angry?"...and the 4th-6th grade boys in my group shot up their arms..."people making fun of my dad in prison"..."people saying my uncle should have defended himself...man, how do you defend yourself from a bullet?"...the answers may have continued...but my ability to listen stopped with these two. Each time I was forced to continually discipline their behavior throughout the camp, admittedly my frustration grew, but so did my prayers for grace.

During the week, as I took one camper out in the hallway to address him, I ran into an old acquaintance. I approached him with uncertainty. After we chatted awhile and caught up on the changes the past two years had brought about, I admitted "you are probably the last person I expected to see here"..."well Brandy you weren't on the top of my list either". We laughed at the surprising life changes time had produced. I got to share a bit of my testimony as he shared bits and pieces of the way his was still being formed. As as I spoke...he listened intently..."what a story Brandy...my story is so different"..."but it's still a story" I replied. He spoke about the amazing transformation he had witnessed in the life of the guy who founded Hoops 4 Hope, which is why he was there visiting. We spoke about transformed lives and how all stories are different but usually the marks of Christ are the same. I walked away in complete and utter awe. Realizing once again just how big the God we serve is. To see God working on this man's heart...amazed me. Not that I thought he was too far for God to reach, but I just never thought he'd have an interest to reach back. I state this fully realizing the same could have been said about me. I went back to my campers...but not before I looked up and gave God an "atta boy." :)

"I am the LORD, the God of all humankind. There is, indeed, nothing too difficult for me" Jeremiah 32:27

Unshackled

With a full tank of gas and an unplanned itinerary...my summer intern and I pointed the mini-van Northeast towards Chicago early Saturday morning. With loose plans to visit other urban ministries and attend a Hip Hop church service, we found ourselves touring a rescue mission for the homeless later that afternoon. It was a blessing we could not have planned for, to listen to the life transforming testimonies of faith in Jesus Christ. Pacific Garden Mission is well worth a visit. Visitors are blessed with an opportunity to sit in on a live recording of their radio drama, "Unshackled" which highlights stories of transformed lives and is aired around the world.

Living proof was our tour guide, a refugee from Africa who was living on the streets of New York when he heard an Unshackled airing. He immediately called Pacific Garden Mission as advertised at the end of the program and made his way to Chicago to join their resident Bible program. To see him in his shirt and tie, professionally leading the tour, professing the name of Christ, it is hard to imagine him ever living on the streets. He was so clearly free, unshackled from the bondages of his past.

Through the Beth Moore series, "When Godly People do Ungodly Things" I've been forced to examine a few bondages from my own past. For the first time I realized that I built my faith on top of my hurt and insecurities vs. allowing God to heal me from them. After coming to faith, I immediately went out to help the hurting vs. allowing my own hurts to be healed. Unfortunately Satan uses these hurts and insecurities to stifle our potential. I loved Beth's image of our ticket to freedom when she stated "Chain yourself to the wrist of Christ and start taking your first steps out of the darkness. Don't worry about the future right now. Just offer Him your wrist and tell Him to drag you home."

I imagined being shackled in a dark prison cell and fighting and tearing day and night to be freed from my bondage. After weeks, months, or years I realize the light in the hallway which has been my only saving grace through the darkness has been Christ all along...and now that I recognize Him...all I must do is invite him in...into my cell...into my mess...into my bondage...and my shackles immediately fall away. Now standing in the middle of the cell together...do I run for the door to escape? Or do I chain myself to the wrist of Christ and allow Him to lead me home?

As for you, because of the blood of my covenant with you,
I will free your prisoners from the waterless pit.
Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope;
even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.
Zechariah 9:11-12

a glance at Solidarity

If someone would have asked me what the word meant a couple months ago...I'm not sure I could have come up with a concrete definition. But now the word radiates from my soul. Solidarity. According to one online definition it means "the feeling of unity based on common goals, interests, and sympathies. It is a term which is promoted by many social movements to help create social relationships based on justice and equality." Equality...there's a concept we often claim to believe but I question if we ever truly pursue.

In the baby hospital in Romania as I played with and fed 3 year old Zana Rostas...I could not help but compare her surroundings...a dirty room filled other with cribs and "forgotten" children...with the surroundings of my beloved...arguably spoiled niece...my heart and soul...Gracie Lynn. Why...I asked...how...could I possibly make sense of their vast differences of surroundings. Why was one born into privilege while another into rags?

We weren't allowed to take our cameras into the baby hospital...and after I met little Zana, I was devastated that I couldn't get a picture...but 2 years later...I realize...that little girl's face is forever etched in my soul.

In the end...when I reflect back on equality...it begs the question...does Gracie deserve a better life? Make no mistake...the little girl's heart absolutely amazes me every day and I would never pray for anything less than the very best for her. But...does she actually deserve a better life than Zana?

I serve every day in a community that it is far easier to pass judgment than to ever truly reach understanding. Because being born into a life of privilege...I really have no clue what it is like to live in a life of rags. I serve in a community that has been pushed to the outskirts of town...and fenced in...why...to keep them in? ...because nobody is standing at the gate...to be kept out.

There are no easy answers...and I'm just touching on the depths of solidarity. So I go to the Word to a scripture that reminds me why I fell in love with the amazing works and the man himself...Jesus Christ...

Commit yourselves to the same practical reasoning that you see and have in Christ Jesus,

who, though he was fully God,
did not use his equality with God for his own advantage,
but gave up everything,
becoming a slave in every way,
having been born just like any other human.
And when he had become like one of us,
he placed himself in solidarity with the humiliated,
following the way of obedience to the point of death
- even death on a cross.
Philippians 2:5-8

Christ defined solidarity by example...equal to God...yet made himself equal to the humiliated.

Doorways of the Lord

I was recently sent a missionary letter from a lady who is preparing to forgo her corporate job to seek a life in ministry. This requires a move home from her current career assignment in Germany. She shared a picture and her reflections of a sculpture on the streets of Hamburg...

"While I don‘t know the meaning the artist intended, it visualizes the doorways of our walk with the Lord so perfectly that I had to take a picture of it. Sitting on a bench on the inside of the doorway is a woman, her face covered in red paint. She reminds me that, at any time, we can choose to sit down and wait for the Lord. The Lord will not leave us nor will He forsake us, we are covered in the blood of the Lamb. Coming towards us in the picture is another woman, she has been bought by the blood of the Lamb and she has chosen to stand up and walk through the doorway. Her hand touching the frame indicates to me that she is unsure of what is coming next, yet her eyes are focused forward, her face like flint. She knows that to sit down would mean to settle for less than God‘s plan and purpose for her life."

When I first read her portrayal of the piece, perhaps pride crept up for a moment as I imagined being the woman willing to walk through the doorway. But if I am honest, I must admit...I have been both. And more recently I have been the woman sitting down.

But not long ago, I was the woman walking through the doorway. A woman who had her beliefs and world views so drastically altered since taking her first steps that she needed a moment of rest..."enough Lord...you've brought me far enough for now...I need to sit down here and linger awhile." And in God's perfect timing and grace...He allowed her.

But if you remain founded in the Word and open to the will of God, something innately stirs you to your feet again. I've recently found myself reestablished in my beliefs, stronger in faith, and ready to stand. Once again, I walk through that doorway, hand touching the frame, eyes focussed forward...not willing to sit down and settle for less than God's plan and purpose for my life.

Trials of a new kind

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

The first major testing and trial period I faced in this ministry was undoubtedly one of building perseverance and endurance. Perhaps for no other gain, I feel like I was drug through the fire to see if I would endure. I recently attended the Urban Youth Worker's Conference in California where we focused on "Living the Legacy" - as I skim through my notes, I stumble across the following thought, "You can not earn a legacy until you've passed consistency." Perhaps a bit convicting as I review my life. However, I still remember with a sweet smile the day I woke up and felt the burden of that trial lifted. I'm not suggesting that my work is finished or my endurance is complete, but perhaps God knew that I needed to pause for a moment of encouragement...as he cheered me on...well done child...you made it further than you thought you could. And I have.

I feel a shift in the trials I face, undoubtedly with new purpose. God is doing a mighty work in my heart for the poor. I still have yet to put into words my reflections from school and the conference in California because my entire world view is being altered. I keep reflecting on the Moline Teen Director's thought when I entered into this ministry..."your faith will change when you minister to these kids." I'm realizing that as you serve the deeply marginalized, you receive an invitation to God's heart.

Matthew 25:45 is taking new residency and shape in my own heart...

He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

always been "Yes"

But as surely as God is faithful, our message to you is not "Yes" and "No." For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by me and Silas and Timothy, was not "Yes" and "No," but in him it has always been "Yes." For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 1:18-20

I think of the many times I've sat in turmoil, battling what I thought ought to be answered prayer vs. the reality of circumstance. And then I read this scripture this morning...and a thought wisped by me...

God only wants and provides what is best for us...even when we can't see...even when we don't understand. There are no "No's"...only "Yes's" in Christ. The thought gained steam..."Dear child...I'm going to take you on this journey...and I will only provide what is absolutely best for you and my Kingdom, no exceptions...and I only ask one thing of you...Trust Me."

As I type from the kitchen table, I glance over to my living room floor and think of the many times I've cried out from my knees in despair...suffering in doubt. It makes me want to pick up that broken self, dust her off and ask what she is doing there.

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ.

"Hey...look at nighttime me"

What sold me on following Christ? I distinctly remember two days in particular...probably separated by a year.

The first was the day I pulled over my car after realizing that I wasn't happy with how my life had turned out with myself in control. And I heard this promise...put Christ in control of your life...and experience a peace like no other. Truthfully, I made the decision out of desperation and without understanding. But I made it just the same.

I didn't really tell any mature Christians about the decision who could have coached me in developing a relationship with Christ. So I seemingly floundered about...happy with my decision but not fully understanding the impact on my life. I lived the next year of my life virtually in the same lifestyle I had come accustomed to through the years, yet with a new desire to seek God.

The second day I remember was a different kind of decision entirely. Sometimes we have to hit bottom before we realize we need to look up. I had allowed my selfish desires and poor lifestyle choices to abruptly kick me lower than I ever thought I would land. And I had a decision to make...what am I to do from there? I remember feeling battered and bruised...and asking...God, will you still take me like this? Can you still use me?" I said a different kind of prayer that morning...one of equal desperation as the first...but it was painted with surrender...willing to finally give up those areas of my life I thought were so sacred to hold onto. A woman recently shared the following thought..."Jesus is a gentleman...and he won't change areas of your heart and life until you first give him permission." There's something incredibly profound about this statement as I've experienced it's truth firsthand. When I was finally willing to allow Christ into all areas of my life...not just the convenient ones...I began to be transformed.

But surrender, I've found, is a daily decision. One I have never regretted, but not always an easy one. And there is a continuous temptation to go back. There's a song that reminds me of my battle of surrender...by the Ryan Montbleau Band...75 and Sunny. I smile at the lyrics as I relate to fighting my daytime self with a mighty does of "hey look at nighttime me." :)

I started a new Bible study, When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. A scary realization of how easily we can be tempted away.

I am fearful, lest that even as the serpent beguiled Eve by his cunning, so your minds may be corrupted and seduced from wholehearted and sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3, AMP

Hi Ho...

off to camp we will go. 40 plus 5th & 6th graders will take Camp Summit by storm this afternoon. There's always anxious anticipation brewing in the air as pickup begins. But after the chaos of chasing down campers concedes and the city horizon diminishes in the rear view mirror...something new begins to take hold. Something different...something comforting...an escape...a refuge...an excuse to let your inner-child run free.

Lord grant me the patience this week and remind me of this image when tempers flare and I'm chasing some of these freed inner-children through the woods... :)

The Lord is My Pace Setter

I'm in Pasadena, CA this week taking classes at Fuller Theological Seminary to pursue an Urban Youth Worker's Certificate. 75 and Sunny, I couldn't resist the temptation to run shortly after arriving. I was a bit turned around when I realized I had run a few blocks past my destination. Before I rounded the corner to gain my bearings...I was in prayerful conversation with God over future changes...it sounded something like this "whatever you do God...you need to know that I won't stray from your will...but I need you to give me clarity and peace about it...whatever it is. Can you do that God...can you give me that peace?"

I no more finished this thought when I rounded the corner and ran straight into a view of the mountains overlooking Pasadena. And when you are used to the flatlands of Illinois, you can't help but to stop and take in the majesty of their magnitude. I literally broke out laughing as I imagined God saying "I created mountains child...I can give you peace." :)

I slowed to a walking pace as I turned the block to head back. I passed a church and for no particular reason walked up to the window and found the following quote posted there...

The Lord is My Pace Setter (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver)

The Lord is my pace setter...I shall not rush
He makes me stop for quiet intervals
He provides me with images of stillness which restore my serenity
He leads me in the way of efficiency through calmness of mind and his guidance is peace
Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day, I will not fret, for his presence is here
His timelessness, his all importance will keep me in balance
He prepares refreshment and renewal in the midst of my activity by anointing my mind with his oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows
Truly harmony and effectiveness shall be the fruits of my hours for I shall walk in the Pace of my Lord and dwell in his house for ever.

Change and Trust

The other day...I soaked up a little sunshine on the bike path. With my headphones tuned into Christian radio...I rode along the river. Far and away where I feel closest to God in the city. On more than one occasion I have hit the concrete with something unsettled...some days it is even undefined...and yet I always ride back...with answers...often not having to ask the exact questions.

With the bike path before me...it was one of those unsettling mornings. Someone has entered my life that could potentially bring unexpected change...significant change. "Change"...there's that word again. It seems just when the shoes get comfortable...we're ask to try on another pair. Change can be exciting...but change by definition leads to the unknown. And in the realm of the unknown...we are no longer in control.

My mind raced faster than I could pedal...I pulled over...climbed the bank...and watched the river flow by. No sooner had I gotten sat down when a wave of tears rushed over me. Where was this onslaught coming from?

Change

There are obvious reasons to be upset over what this change may entail...but those weren't plaguing that morning. I had been riding on the waves of excitement. What was it then? What was I afraid of?

I have recently gotten comfortable in my calling to this ministry. It makes sense...it fits...I've started seeing results and receiving blessing. But as I sat on the banks of change I realized it isn't leaving "comfortable" that was troubling me...no...it was the fear of misjudging God's will. I was always the daughter who when learning to drive the tractor wanted dad to remain in the buddy seat round after round, ensuring I was getting it right. Sometimes I wish God was as obvious in giving instruction from the buddy seat..."turn right here, make this adjustment, watch me." Instead...He gives us prayer, discernment and guidance from the Holy Spirit...which have always proven more than sufficient...but requires much trust through the change.

I watched the steady flow of the river...the unchanging nature of it all. Sure the water will rise and fall but it steadily continues to flow.

From my daily devotion..."For the believer, then, the question is vital: Is our God the Lord of change? Will he be with us in change, especially when it strains our trust to its limit? Ironically, while we trust him with our eternal fate, we may find it difficult to trust him for next month's car payment, a new relationship, or an unexpected turn in our lives. The assumption that the Almighty is unacquainted with the complex people he has made keeps us hanging onto bits and pieces of our lives, deceived by Satan's ancient lie that God does not want the best for us.

In a threatened world, in the kaleidoscopic whirl of our life patterns, it can be enormously reassuring to remind ourselves that God is unchanging: "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8)." (Change and Trust, Gini Andrews)

God isn't unexpectedly changing the plans He has for my life. Instead he's revealing the plans He has had all along.

a dream clutched too tightly...

A couple years ago...I remember driving along the country road shortly after the reality hit me that I was actually going to get a divorce. "How did this happen...what wrong turn did I make that I ended up here...I can't believe this is actually happening to me." The strange part of the timing of it all...was that I was coming off of my first Christian conference where a level of understanding in which I'd never had before had clicked. And truthfully I had the words "God hates divorce" running through my head, but being so new to faith, I can't say they actually penetrated. I knew I was losing my old dream...and latched onto this new concept of Jesus.

Bonnie Keen performed during the conference. I still remember the exact spot where I stood when she played "Issac" as I stood there...eyes closed and weeping...hoping no one around me would notice...as her words flooded the room...

"I have a prayer as pure as gold, that where you lead me, I will go. And I'll not miss the impassioned plea when your sweet spirit calls to me. And in that hour, and in that time when I must lose my will in Thine. Oh my allegiance will be found the day I lay my Issac down. Grant me a faith beyond all doubt whose flames of hope cannot burn out. Let mercy flow and grace abound the day I lay my Issac down..."

The song continued...but my thoughts remained idle. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his precious, beloved son...and Abraham willingly laid his Issac down.

I don't think God would approve of me getting divorced. I do think he allowed it because of our hardened hearts...in which we are equally to blame. It is not the route I would suggest anyone follow as I have a much deeper understanding now in trusting God through the storm and watching him perform transformational miracles in relationships. Nonetheless, it was the path we chose.

After our decisions were made and the line was drawn in the sand, God began revealing to me how I had never invited Him into my marriage in the first place and how I had held things and people of the world above Him. And where had it gotten me?

Broken...alone...searching for purpose...heartbroken.

As Bonnie's lyrics filled the room...I heard the plea...when His sweet spirit called to me. And in that hour, and in that time...given the choice...to lose my will in Thine.

I wept...but I surrendered.

Laying down my Issac was so clearly laying down my "dream"...this image I had always envisioned for my life.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Mark 8:34

A few weeks later as I read through the lyrics on her CD, I noticed Bonnie had shared an entry from her journal before the song..."A dream clutched too tightly becomes an idol."

I played that song until it became ingrained in my soul...until I could play it from the melody in my heart...

It took much time and healing to understand all of the circumstances and decisions that lead me to contentment in exactly where I stand today. Just as God intervened with Abraham and Issac...He intervened with me. It amazes me each time He takes me to the point of absolute surrender...only to be delivered.

Sometimes we don't comprehend the path laid before us...and we can't see beyond our earthly understanding...but occasionally when we remain faithful through the storms...God delivers us...blesses us...and reveals a fragment of His heavenly plans.

I share with you a picture of my wedding dress...which is now circling villages in Zambia...blessing brides who never before imagined wearing such a gown.


What or who is your Issac?

Who is in control?

A friend of mine recently shared with me a values search tool, which can serve both as a life guide map and as a time management tool. The thought here is that if you narrow down the top 3-5 core values you hold for your life and weigh everything from your daily tasks to your big life decisions against them to see how they measure up, it should help you prioritize and gain control of your life.

One of my core values was empowerment - the freedom to make liberating decisions to control my own life. Control...that's what so many of us desire is it not? But the interesting thing about holding this value for me personally is that it falls at #3 in the rankings, tucked a ways behind my #1 value which is serving and loving God and living out His will for my life.

So one might ask, isn't this in direct contradiction with the other. After all, if I am living out God's will, I can not possibly be living out my own. And if I have relinquished my own will, how can I claim to value control over my own life.

The answer is two-fold.

The first is that I accept that God is in control, but he allows me the freedom of free-will to control my own life. At any point God could step in and change any circumstance, he did create us after all. However, often times he chooses not to. Perhaps to allow us to understand the consequences of our own actions or to further his kingdom (although often times we don't see this until years later when we are reflecting back on situations which have come to pass).

The second is that I believe and accept that God has a purpose for my life and have dedicated my life to fulfilling it. This is where it is crucial that I remain empowered to do so.

I want to share a few of T.D. Jakes' thoughts from his book, Maximize The Moment, "God created you for a purpose, you are destined to accomplish certain things."..."God has given you the map; it is your calling to follow it."..."You should not, cannot, and do not need to control someone else's life; you just need to control your own." And I'll end with Jake's most important point he leaves his readers with, "You do not have to please anyone except God, our Father. We are accountable to Him alone."

Jakes' advice for staying on track: "Constantly take inventory of your life and determine what does and doesn't work for you. If you want to maximize your life and fulfill the plan that God has for you, you must take control of your life. Know when to say when, trim off the excess, and release yourself from the past. You cannot soar to great heights if you are weighted down with excess baggage. Learn to let go so you can fly."

Make no mistake, living in God's will - I had to surrender my own. To live in Christ, I had to die to my self.

But to tell you the truth...it was my own self who was always longing...always searching...but never finding...true lasting joy. I can not say the same for my surrendered soul in Christ.

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

Easy Button

I can't stop being awe struck by God's blessing on this ministry right now. For going through such a dry spell...and feeling like we were producing very little "fruit"...it seems He was preparing the harvest for a time such as this.

I share with you a note from one of the girl's in my small group. They were all complaining about not being able to understand the Bible. A friend of mine recently shared a success story in overcoming this challenge among teens that I decided to implement, she called it the "easy button" approach. You read scripture from a traditional Bible translation, and if the kids don't understand, they holler out "easy button" and someone reads the same scripture from The Message (street lingo Bible). We did this one night to show the girl's that the Bible really is relevant, once you start to understand what is written. For the first time I saw some excitement surface for the Word. I decided to buy them teen focused Bibles to further their journey...

brandy

Thanks for that conversation...it made me feel better... and thanks for the bible...i started reading genesis...it was really easy to read...i thought it was really cool that he made adam out of dust... and eve from adams rib...and can you believe how those 2 brothers and father sold his son...and they made him a slave with the pharaohs...it was really awesome.

Why didn't someone give me an easy button to ministry a long time ago? ;)

Holy Discontent

Perhaps I've written on this topic before...but this morning it is captivating me. Holy Discontent is a Bill Hybels term (Willow Creek Senior Pastor).

What is the one aspect of this broken world that, when you see it, touch it, get near it, you just can't stand? Very likely, that firestorm of frustration reflects your holy discontent, a reality so troubling that you are thrust off the couch and into the game. It's during these defining times when your eyes open to the needs surrounding you and your heart hungers to respond that you hear God say, "I feel the same way about this problem. Now, let's go solve it together!"

We're talking a lot as a staff lately about our holy discontents. And I'm reminded once again how confused I was early on as a Christian when people spoke about burdens placed on their hearts. "I have a burden for orphans" I might here someone say. And the only thought response I had running through my head was "burden?...what's wrong with them that they consider it a burden to care for orphans?" But a bit further down my journey, I understand that it really is a burden. This morning as I reflect on my own holy discontent and the latest QC violence, their families and community...the kids I'm ministering to...the amazing progress I have seen lately (truly a blessing from God) and the painful pasts many of my girls shared with me in confidence...I'm utterly heartbroken by all of the pain...overjoyed with the progress...but brought to my knees with sorrow. It is a burden not to be able to shake the heartache...but it is a burden...I would give the world...to be privileged enough to carry.

We were asked to define our holy discontent. Mine was molded in Romania...but has been intricately carved out in Rock Island. What thrusts me off of the couch are children without hope. Children surrounded by suffocating circumstances. Children who we don't HAVE to help as a society. Children perhaps the world, government, community and even family have forgotten. But in Christ...we are called to take action.

On that plane ride home from Romania...gazing down on my last sights of such a "forgotten" country...one thought consumed me..."if those ministries weren't in those orphanages...reaching out to those children...no one would be."

This defines my holy discontent.

What defines yours?

Hybels' own experience with "holy discontent" grew out of observing "churches who don't care about people who are far from God," he said. That led him not only to start Willow Creek Church nearly 30 years ago, but also to lead the "seeker-sensitive" movement, which presents the gospel to people who are "far from God" in ways that will bring them close to God and eventually to faith in Christ.

"What can't you stand?" Hybels asked. He cited a litany of possible answers for church leaders -- "injustice, extreme poverty, racism, homelessness, AIDS, immoral business practices, dysfunctional churches, ... crappy music, crooked politicians [and] young people drifting further and further away from God."

Hybels offered Christians three tips about finding and following up on "holy discontent."

First, "it's not everything you get upset about," he said. "We ought to be looking for that one cause that grabs us by the throat and won't let us go."

Second, don't give up if the object of discontent is not obvious, he added. "Keep exposing your heart. ... Travel more in the world. Visit an AIDS clinic or a Habitat [for Humanity] build." Keep on looking.

Third, don't run from it, he said. "Most of us run from our firestorm of frustration. One of the best things you can do is identify with it. ... When you find it, feed it. Increase your exposure. Stay close to your holy discontent."

('Holy discontent' can inspire good leaders, Hybels says - by Marv Knox)

Lauren...the Warrior King

This past weekend a few teens and I had the opportunity to serve in the neighborhood where I live. I live in a historical district where beautifully restored homes are scattered amidst the decrepit. Each year the Broadway District pulls the community together for a Great Unveiling, where volunteers tear the siding off of old homes that have been purchased for restoration.

With the promise of free doughnuts and coffee, I showed up with 6 teens in tote. Let the demolition begin! It was an amazing day and the teens worked with a dedication I have rarely seen. Perhaps my proudest moments was when I announced breakfast had arrived and NOT ONE of them stopped working to eat. (This is a first!...of course they eventually did. ;) I had to leave mid-morning for some prior commitments, but the teens stayed behind to rip, tear and pull the siding down. When I came back to pick them up...compliments flooded the air..."Be careful, if the word gets out on the street about this crew...they'll have work lined up all summer... they are hard workers...they did an amazing job - they can come back anytime."


The YouthHope Job Squad was born! There are several other opportunities in our community to serve. I'm thinking about marketing this team of teens as a volunteer crew around the community. Services for free - donations welcome! Would be an excellent fundraiser for saving for that mission trip the teens dream of taking one day. Looks like I have work to do!

For many looking at this house, it was nothing but an eye sore, but for the new owners, they see the hidden treasure within. While talking to a neighbor, he introduced himself as "Lauren"..."yeah I never really liked my name growing up because it was feminine...but recently I found out that it means "Warrior King" and I've gained a new appreciation for it." This coming from a ~60 year old man, just made me smile. His whole life spent thinking of himself in one way...only to be repainted years later in another.

I must share from my morning devotional which referred to the Water Garden painting by Claude Monet. If studied long enough it may surprise many that the major part of the canvas is covered in dark shades of black, blue and green. These drab colors serve to highlight the beautiful floral pastels. Monet painted the dark tones to enhance the lighter.

From Weathering the Showers devotion by Beth Donigan Seversen...

"Monet's painting has much to remind me about the water garden of my life, and of its Artist. First, it encourages me that there is a purpose and design to my life, and that perhaps, at times, I focus too exclusively on the darker portions of my painting.

It also reminds me that my Lord, the Artist of my life, has intentionally allowed the blue, green, and, yes, sometimes even the gray and black hues to be brushed on my canvas for a reason. God uses these shadows to make my life richer. Often, when I look back on difficulties, such as my father's death, times when I have been misunderstood by friends or my expectations have been dashed, I can see, now, his handiwork creating a brilliance of color and beauty from pain and suffering. The Artist uses a multitude of techniques in our lives to help us become the people he created us to be."

Maybe...we are all Warrior Kings...waiting to be restored.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11

True Reconciliation

Last night as I was preparing to leave the youth center, my cell phone rang, and it was the Moline Children's Director on the other end. "You know that shooting that occurred in East Moline...one of the girls in my small group witnessed it. She's extremely upset and just called me." A few moments later I walked into Chris's office and he had the article pulled up on his computer...talking to the Moline Teen Director..."Brandy he used to go the the Moline Youth Center and volunteer all the time as a teen." Talk about hitting home.

But truthfully I did not take the time to process the reality of it all until I was sitting in a staff meeting this afternoon. Our Executive Director had been called by a local news station requesting a special interview, "one which paints a positive twist on the kid involved who was killed." He seeked our advice on how he should handle it or if he should give the interview at all.

The debate...the picture had been painted...the 21 year old had a long rap sheet and allegedly had shot a police officer before being gunned down and killed. A guy that clearly deserves no mercy right? Well that's the easy conclusion to draw...and many already have. Of course there is the police officer who was shot to consider and his safety and well-being while in service to the community. I'm not here to debate the topic or to defend the 21 year old's actions...but instead only to share my heartbreak that won't release me.

As I read the newspaper article today...in my mind it wasn't about this East Moline young man. In my mind...it was one of my kids...who grew up and fell away. It was one of my kids...who I love with everything in me...who spend Sundays with me in church...and lunch at my house...who greet me with open arms on any street corner...with plenty of hugs to share. Yes...in my mind...I thought...what if...what if it's ever one of my kids someday?

What the CF staff remembers is the 14 year old boy that used to volunteer religiously at the Moline Youth Center...with a big smile no one could forget and potential to conquer the world. What the CF staff will never forget...is the one we lost...the one who fell away.

There is much community controversy in making a positive public statement about a guy that allegedly shot a police officer. Again, I'm not here to defend the point. I'm not sure if the interview was even made or what was said...but I hope somehow...somewhere...in someone's heart...they'll remember that 14 year old kid.

Situations such as these often further stimulate segregation in the community. Us vs. Them - Community vs. Law Enforcement - Our neighborhood vs. Their neighborhood - Black vs. White - Our kind vs. Their kind. And what comes to the forefront of my mind...is the desperate need...for true reconciliation...

I share with you part of the CCDA philosophy:

The question is: Can a gospel that reconciles people to God without reconciling people to people be the true gospel of Jesus Christ? A person's love for Christ should break down every racial, ethnic and economic barrier. As Christians come together to solve the problems of their community, the great challenge is to partner and witness together across these barriers in order to demonstrate our oneness in Christ. Christian Community Development recognizes that the task of loving the poor is shared by the entire body of Christ, black, white, brown, and yellow; rich and poor; urban and suburban; educated and uneducated. While the Bible transcends culture and race, the church is still having a hard time with living out the reality of our unity in Christ. Christian Community Development is intentional about reconciliation and works hard to bring people of all races and cultures into the one worshipping body of Christ. This comes not so much through a program but through a commitment to living together in the same neighborhood. The power of authentic reconciliation between us and God, and between people of every culture and race is an essential component of effective ministry in our hurting world.

Our Heritage...

Beth Moore has had a pretty fantastic impact on my faith walk. Breaking Free (highly recommend this study!) was the first Bible study I attended, and remember instantly being intrigued by her energy and passion for Christ. I was also taken aback by her "coolness" thinking..."Wow...this woman is amazing and hip and loves Christ like no other I've ever seen. Maybe this faith stuff isn't so bad after all." Then she proceeded to walk me through a journey during a particularly difficult time of my life...and for the first time deliver me on the free side of the chains I had been caught up in by the world.

It was another Bible study of hers a few months ago I completed through my church. This particular day she was speaking about our Heritage - what helped shape who we are today - who we will become. She spoke about her own heritage and the incredible women of faith that molded her...she spoke of the heritage of the Jews...and what a precious gem their heritage truly is...to share the heritage of Jesus Christ.

I remember reflecting on my own heritage. As I walked through the blessings of my childhood on the farm...raised by two amazing parents...with a passion and dedication to hard work and family values...I was quite content in my heritage. But in my limited understanding of God's plan...to some extent I drew the conclusion..."see God...aren't I supposed to be a farm wife - isn't that my heritage...to watch the corn and my children grow?" God left me hanging on this one for awhile.

This weekend as my entire extended family attended my grandmother's funeral services, we learned a bigger picture of our heritage. We learned of a woman, fondly nick-named the "Bulldog" in church because of her relentless dedication to ensure the children and youth of the church were relevantly being served. We learned of a woman dedicated to missions and helping the least of these. We learned of an amazing mother, grandmother, wife and friend.

It made me reflect once again on the letters she has written to me. And this time I caught a glimpse of her as a passionate woman vs. the "grandmother box" I had always put her in. I remember conversations I'd had with her about my dad. "Brandy...he's always had a heart for the least of these...he always reached out to those in need...those in trouble...it doesn't surprise me that he loves working with the kids you bring to the farm."

My heritage.

My sister just called with a funny Gracie (niece) story...

They've been discussing lately how God will sometimes 'call' you to do something or serve in some way...

With her 4yr. old eyes closed in prayer..."God when you 'tell' on me...I'll be there." The little eyes peered open at her mom..."Do think he's going to 'tell' on me?"

The story warms my soul...but to Gracie...she is simply living out...our heritage.

Answered Prayers...

God has thoroughly amazed me once again. In a Beth Moore Bible study I completed awhile ago, I remember her saying that we are always trying to put God in a box. We learn something about him and then we draw the conclusion..."ok...so that's the way God is" when instead we should reach a verdict that more closely resembles..."God is this way...and more."

Journaling tells a pretty fantastic testimony. As I browse through the pages of my life the past few months...amazed is the only word that begins to summarize. One by one I raised my requests to God...

They started with desperate pleas...I was feeling completely and utterly inadequate for my position...and I watched as he helped me understand "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart." Psalm 51:17. I read through the pages of this broken spirit being laid before him...and watched him restore a new found strength and confidence...in Him.

I kept reading...as I asked to understand love in a February entry: "I wonder if I can truly love on this earth, until I fully realize what it means to love and be loved by the Father. I see one theme standing out to me lately. It is one of obedience." And I referenced two scriptures:

This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. 1 John 5:2-3

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 1:6

While the concept of obedience vs. love did nothing for the hopeless romantic in me...I committed to walking in obedience...on my search to walk in love.

Amazed I was the sunny morning on the bike path as I tried to make sense of different relationships I had recently experienced with people. One person in particular it became evidently clear...had been put in my life for a moment...so that I could experience the heart of God. When you are so dedicated to pursuing God's heart...God's heart can't help but radiate from you. God knows I learn much better from example...so he allowed me to experience it. As this realization flooded over me...I smiled...and found peace. I obeyed...God showed me love. Furthermore, if I find myself being loved...it will only be because they have fallen in love with the only part of me worth loving...God...in me.

And finally...a late February entry...I watched myself surrender..."I've been fighting. Fighting letting go of old dreams, holding onto an image I painted of myself. Fighting who you say I am, of what you say I am capable of in you. I've been fighting. I'm scared. Scared I won't be happy - scared I won't be successful or capable - scared I'll always carry regret. But all of these worries and fears have brought me what? Turmoil. Father on my heart this morning is simple...surrender. Surrender to my calling...surrender to your will. But most importantly...surrender to trusting you. Trusting your plans for my life are greater than mine. Surrender in you I find peace. Surrender."

It was a pretty cool feeling in church yesterday when the pastor asked us to write down our fears on a sticky note and attach them to a cross at the front of the sanctuary. And literally...I sat there and tried to come up with a fear..."I've always feared failure...but I've failed so many times this past year and God has seen my through...I'm no longer afraid...I used to fear vulnerability...but God has given me courage...I was scared of being inadequate...but God proved that I was when left to my own strength but I can do all things through Him...I used to fear not knowing where my life was heading...but I now completely trust wherever He is taking me. I used to fear regret...but no longer hold onto it. Hmmmmmm....I guess I'll just sit here and praise Him for answered prayer."

A friend of mine said he prayed a specific prayer for me the other night...and to remind him in a couple months to tell me what he prayed...if I forget...someone remind me to ask...to check in to see...if I have another answered prayer.

Think about such things...

This morning...a scripture is dancing gently in my head...and it brings a smile to my heart...and comfort to my soul...

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:4-9

Real Wisdom

Last night as I sat holding her hand...I couldn't help but think about all of the wisdom she must hold. I watched as my grandmother took her last breaths...as Jesus walked her home.

I'm not too far away from entering my 30's...and for a year many people dread...I look at it with excited anticipation. For what I have learned in the first 30 years will help mold the next 30.

The ironic thing about wisdom...real wisdom...is that it rarely indwells the young.

Taken from a devotional by Luci Swindoll..."When I calmly look life in the eye, having grown wise from beating and flapping against its imperfections, learning to compromise, and accepting the fact that everyone and everything has its shortcomings: Life will have given me truth, and taken in exchange, my youth. In advertently, one is given up for the other."

This thought drove me this morning to dig out a couple letters grandma had written to me during particular highs and lows of my life...and reading them years later...I better discern the wisdom she was passing on..."Keep your eyes focused on the Lord"..."Make memories with friends in the years spend unattached"..."Value your education"..."Go to church."

Two Kinds of Wisdom

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:13-18

I looked around the room at the faces of the "harvest" my grandmother had raised...and basked in the quote my parents have often repeated...passed down through the years..."The best crop this farm has ever produced is our children." Thank you for the many years sown in peace. Thank you for your good life, done by deeds in the humility that comes from wisdom. Rest in peace grandma. Until we meet again...