Back Home - a heart healed.

[reflections from years past....]

Bruised...and badly mangled...barely recognizable from the beating heart the Creator formed within me.

"Your heart has been so misshapen by the twists of Satan's lies that you'd better not trust it for a while. You'll know when your heart is starting to get well. It will hurt so badly with throbbing pangs of repentance, you'll think you're going to die. And you will. Then God will raise you from the very thing that has been the death of you. He really will give you a future."

The penned words of Beth Moore* hit deep.

I had allowed my heart to become a war zone. The wounded needed healed. The carnage needed cleared.

Imagine a path...which the Creator destined for us to walk...surrounded - both sides - by the wilderness...desert...temptation...sin. We go astray...we all do...believing the lie...chasing the idol.

Coming.up.short.

From within the wilderness...an awareness of my surroundings begins to surface. What am I doing here? This is not where I was created to tread. I faintly remember the path. I feel Him drawing near. I question...

From this place...you want me?

In this shape...you'll take me?

Leaving my thoughts...my eyes settle on the page before me...

"Because you know it's your only ticket to freedom, by a sheer act of your will, chain yourself to the wrist of Christ and start taking your first steps out of the darkness. You probably don't trust anyone right now, and you're not even sure you can trust God. You can, but you'll learn all that for yourself. No one can really tell you what you're about to learn for yourself -- if you are willing. Don't worry about the future right now. Just offer Him your wrist and tell Him to drag you home even if you're not sure you belong or even want to go. You do. You're just too wounded right now to feel it"

In an act of trepid desperation...fear almost suffocating...I surrender...hoping He'd drag me home.

---

[more recently]

If I'm honest...

It was not an easy journey - sometimes painful - mostly painful - crossing back through the briar patches I had previously maneuvered (scars bearing witness). Digging in my heals...certain I could take no more. Painting pictures of Egypt...missing the very captivity I was attempting to escape.

Yet my heart yearned for freedom.

And so I believe it was in these moments...

He dragged me.

(Now according to the Footprints poem - perhaps the Lord carried...but given my stubbornness and the hard knocks I surely endured along the way...I'm going to stick with the dragging theory.)

And finally...in a moment of revelation not long ago, I was talking with my Heavenly Father...noting the change He had done within me. Like a dry sponge dropped into a bucket of water...healing had absorbed into my core. And I felt...different...

as I contemplated...He whispered..."I'm giving you back your heart."

The air stilled around me as the weightiness of this transaction settled into my soul. I felt my heart beating strong within me...

Whole. Restored. Complete.

---

I recently looked into the eyes of a dear sister who had been abandoned by her husband. I felt the weight of her brokenness and the fear that enveloped her -- wanting nothing more than the pieces to be put back together.

Oh how I've been there dear one. I've felt that pain. I've worn rejection like a cloak. To some degree, haven't we all?

There are no words that offer enough salve for the soul...but if I could whisper, ever so gently into your ear...

"Don't chase the idol. Healing is not found in the arms of another or the bottom of a bottle. Healing is found in Christ alone. Hold out your wrist and ask Him to drag you home."

---

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. Matthew 10:39

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

*When Godly People Do Ungodly Things Bible Study, Beth Moore

Walk on...

Sometimes when God doesn't answer prayer...

in the way that we think He ought to...
or in the timing we feel He should...

bitterness can take root.

I didn't think I did it on purpose. In fact I would tell you that I chose trust...and I knew His plans were good. But if I'm honest...I laid the first brick to build the wall between my heart and His...reeking with intention.

Image from Google
I did genuinely believe His plans were good - and therefore chose trust. But that knowledge in your head doesn't immediately trickle down to mend your broken heart. And I was hurt...and felt like He had a hand in it.

One dark night amidst my struggle I broke down in the safety net of one of my beloved girlfriends. I let the ugly surface. No longer hiding behind Christianese and scriptured promises.

There was a long pause as the tears rolled down my cheeks and off my chin. My frustration so thick it was suffocating.

Sometimes I think it is actually cruel to quote scripture to someone who is writhing in pain. Don't get me wrong...in other moments I feel a timely delivered Word is right on cue. May a good dose of discernment led by the Holy Spirit be our guide.

I was writhing in pain.

And she quoted scripture.

"You know...I think John 6:66 is one of the saddest scriptures in the Bible."

I'm less than amused - what does this have to do with me? If I didn't roll my eyes on the outside, I certainly did on the inside.

"It's when many of Jesus disciples turned away and no longer followed Him after a tough teaching."

Ah...I'm seeing the connection.

"And Jesus asked his closest disciples...if they'd leave too? But they asked where would they go because they knew He was eternal life."

Bingo...she hit the nail on the head. I couldn't be offended with her scripture reference because I felt the Lord asking me the same question...through her...

In a world where so many turn away...“You do not want to leave too, do you Brandy?”

I echoed the words of Simon Peter laced with annoyance...“Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life. I have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

You see...I did want to walk away...or at least turn my back and let the bitterness grow - but where would I go? I know Jesus Christ died for me - I know He is the holy Son of God and I know He holds eternal life. So what was I supposed to do...pretend I didn't believe these truths that ran deep through my soul? No...I didn't question His existence...I simply disagreed with His ways.

The evening didn't resolve. I didn't get on my Jesus high horse and ride into the sunset.

But I did decide...

to keep walking.

To Be Continued...

May I encourage you wherever you are on your journey...in joy or in pain...in faith or in doubt...in frustration or elation...to walk on. He'll match your pace.

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God." John 6:66-69

Completing the work

I shall never depart Africa unchanged.

I attended a well-drilling/pump repair course in North Carolina a couple months back. Amidst the fall mountain air and vibrantly changing leaves, the founder of the training center, a Scottish missionary of days past would daily tell of his Jesus wanderings and gathered wisdom. The class was targeted toward missionaries. “God is forming Christ in all of us…it’s just that we [putting himself in the same category as his students] are so stubborn that He has to send us half way around the world to complete this work in us.”

How painful this refining work can be -- but how beautiful the revelation.


Meet Maggie. She knows pain.

She’s experienced loss.

She’s been rejected.

She works long hours.

She lives on less per day than we probably spend on coffee.

But you’d never guess.

Her smile comes from within – radiates from her soul and decorates her face.


This dear sweet face that greeted us upon every return to the guest house, no matter the hour. Rushing towards our transport…”Welcome Back” in the beautiful Ugandan laced English.

Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

As we were pulling away from the church plant in Pader (which J-Squad helped fund) – Pastor Johnson asked me if I noticed anything about the church. I commented on the building and the commitment of the growing congregation...but then fell silent in my thoughts. Finally it formulated...”Do you know what I actually saw...I saw Joy.” God-given in its purest form...true everlasting Joy. “I wondered if you noticed” he replied.

The outside of the church.
Inside during morning service.
The choir
Pader...one of if not the most physically challenging locations we visited during the World Race...absolutely filled by Joy.

You can’t manufacture this Joy I witnessed...you can’t buy it, earn it, achieve it or sell it...

It makes me contemplate my own journey with the Lord. It makes me realize why He continually sends me to a land half way around the world...to witness His joy...because He doesn’t want me to miss it.



















"I am Justin, this is my wife Joyce, so together we are Pastor JJ." And of course everyone remembers Samwell! (who by the way introduces himself as Pator Sam these days.
I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1: 3-6

having the same love

As I pinched the Indian flat bread around the other dishes prepared before me, I asked about their Christian heritage. Seventeen years in America but native to a country where less than 3% of the population professes Christ.

"We consider ourselves very blessed to have been raised in Christian homes. We are both the products of missionaries."

You see in America we view Christianity much differently than they do in many other countries. In Tanzania for example when we witnessed to devout Muslims - the decision for Christ was weighed heavily on their hearts. For if they were to choose Christ, it would mean being cast out of their villages and shunned from their families. While I'm not brave enough to pray for persecution - I must admit - it doesn't leave room for middle ground. You are either sold out for Christ...or you are not. For you are not going to profess something that you 'kind of' believe in. No...either Jesus Christ is the son of the Living God and therefore worth the sacrifice...or He isn't.

She went on to share her story...her great, great, [maybe another great] grandfather was part of a village that had stoned a missionary to death for the message he taught. Her grandfather was so intrigued by this man who willingly gave up his life, out of love, for the people in his village that he begin reading one of the Bibles this strange missionary had left behind. And in that Bible...he met Jesus. He gave his life to the Lord and while enduring his own persecution spread the message.

A few generations later - there I was not only sharing an Indian meal in America with his granddaughter but also a heart for missions and a love of the Lord.

I can't begin to keep up with God and His goodness...His faithfulness or His plan. I just commit to following it.

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.” Philippians 2:1-2

Trading My Sorrow

Paul Benjamin Shutt
January 25, 1916 - July 22, 2011
Some of my fondest memories of my grandfather are our conversations in these later years. He was so baffled why God had not taken him home yet and pondered His purposes for his time here. Almost immediately upon my return home from the World Race, we had a sit down in which he really wanted me to consider that question with him – and not in a flippant sort of way.

I shrugged. “The only thing I can tell you Grandpa...is that if He hasn’t taken you...He’s not done with you yet...He still has something left for you to do here.”

He processed it for a moment and responded, “I wish I could visit people in the hospital and talk with them – people that may not have anyone else to talk to.”

And with that simple statement and a little bit of effort...Grandpa’s ‘nursing home ministry’ was born. He began forming relationships with the folks in the nursing home…listening to their stories (as best he could) and sharing his. I’ll never forget his expression when I went for a visit a few weeks later to check in on his progress. With a humble smile and tears welling up in his eyes, he told me about his ‘patrons’. He pulled out a small notebook from his front pocket and slowly began turning the pages. Each one contained a name and some notes he used to recollect their stories. ”Today they circled five people around to talk with me” he said in disbelief.

“Well it sounds like you’ve found some work God has for you to do” I smiled.

“Yes, and I tell them about the Lord every chance I get” he declared.

Grandpa was 95 years old when he passed...still living independently...still witnessing Christ.

As I drove to work after learning of his passing...I failed to fight back the tears. Subtly the song on the radio began to interrupt my thoughts...as it talked about trading sickness and pain...for the joy of the Lord - though the sorrow may last for the night...His joy comes with the morning. Suddenly His peace transcended over me like the dawn of a new day. Grandpa is on Glory’s side...where there is no more sickness...no more pain – where every tear has been wiped away. He no longer bears witness to Christ in this life...because he sits with Him in the next. Can you imagine?

As I look over my life...I just can’t believe how God has always looked out for me...He’s given me everything I ever asked for. It might not have come when I thought it should or look the way I thought it would…but now looking back over my life, I can see...He answered every prayer. ~ Paul B. Shutt

Let that be enough...

Be still, and know that I am God...

Days...weeks...years even...
for these words
buried in the 46th Psalm
to take a deep rooted appreciation
in the depths of my soul

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God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

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How often our earth gives way
our security shaken
our own strength insufficient.

Yet it is in this place
at the end of ourselves
we call out for more.

And when we do...

may we know that He hears us
may we know His touch
may we know that He loves us

and may we let that be enough.

Walk through fire

In the moments when I'm walking through fire...

I question...
I wrestle...
I cry.

I get angry...
I repent...

I wipe away my tears...

and start the cycle again.

But...

when I finally reach the other side...and walk a bit further down the road...God nudges me...to turn around...and take in what He's done.


"You may not like my methods...and you don't understand my ways...but you can not deny what I am doing child. I am in control. Always remember...I am with you...I am for you...my love will never fail."

I wonder...what fires are you walking through tonight?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Matthew 6: 33

Let us set our eyes upon Him.