Monday, January 28, 2008

Telling the story

The days have passed without written capture...but the joys still dwell in my heart. Many evenings I settled in...to share the pictures...to tell the stories...but it was as though the book remained closed.

I didn't want to state that "I had a sledding party at my parent's house"...instead I wanted to share the joy of watching children sled for the first time. (Finally, the book seems to be opening again.)

It will always be therapeutic for me to visit the farm. My escape...my refuge. As my dad circled the kids around the farm on a hayrack ride...I took in how different each child looked painted against the backdrop of a different setting...painted against the backdrop of freedom. Free from violence...free from being cut down...cursed at...free from alcohol and drugs...from raising their siblings...from cooking their own meals...free. Goosebumps spread...joy overwhelmed me...for they looked a lot like innocent children. Sometimes I forget this is how they are supposed to look.

I thank God everyday that He gives me this story to tell. All he asks of me...is that I continually consult the author.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Endurance

Failure...we fear it...avoid it...run from it...and deny it...but sooner or later we run directly into it. Failure.

I battled a regret in my life...from my past...which had remained unsettled. As I allowed God to heal bits and pieces...I anticipated the day when I would come to peace with it. But as I learned to accept it...move past it...and be forgiven for it...I never came to understand it.

Yesterday we had an all day staff meeting to discuss ministry progress and vision. Our Executive Director suggested we start the day by taking quiet time with God (something we all desperately needed). We headed to the library...armed with inspirational books, Bibles and coffee. I searched out my cozy corner next to the window and settled in..."Ok God...I'm drained and distant...confused and overwhelmed...bring me back to you...work on my heart this morning." I began reading...journaling...praying. I wanted to focus on ministry...but my heart was distracted by unsettled regret. Finally I stopped reading..."What do you want from me Lord? I genuinely do not feel like you are calling me backwards, but I cannot find peace...I don't feel freed from my past because I do not understand it.” Ok...try this again...I began reading...but soon paused again when I came across the following question: "Looking back over the last ten years of your life, what do you wish you had not quit?" Hmmmm...

I kept reading.

"Most of us try not to think about our failures any more than we have to, and Scripture itself advises us not to live in the past. But occasionally it pays to consider the high cost of quitting. So many people live with scars or lingering wounds from having quit on something or someone. So many look back on their lives, shake their heads and ask, "Why did I cash in so easily?" The answer is obvious: it is infinitely easier to quit than to endure." (Who You Are When No One's Looking by Bill Hybels)

I paused...just long enough to hear God speak..."Dear child...you did fail...you quit...but stop looking at it through the eyes of regret. Remember the pain of quitting...count the cost of quitting...

...and don't quit on me now.”

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

For the first time...understanding swept through me.

It is not about looking backwards on regret, it is about looking forward and building a character to endure.

What...or who...are you considering quitting?

"Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life" James 1:12