Monday, May 12, 2008

The Lord is My Pace Setter

I'm in Pasadena, CA this week taking classes at Fuller Theological Seminary to pursue an Urban Youth Worker's Certificate. 75 and Sunny, I couldn't resist the temptation to run shortly after arriving. I was a bit turned around when I realized I had run a few blocks past my destination. Before I rounded the corner to gain my bearings...I was in prayerful conversation with God over future changes...it sounded something like this "whatever you do God...you need to know that I won't stray from your will...but I need you to give me clarity and peace about it...whatever it is. Can you do that God...can you give me that peace?"

I no more finished this thought when I rounded the corner and ran straight into a view of the mountains overlooking Pasadena. And when you are used to the flatlands of Illinois, you can't help but to stop and take in the majesty of their magnitude. I literally broke out laughing as I imagined God saying "I created mountains child...I can give you peace." :)

I slowed to a walking pace as I turned the block to head back. I passed a church and for no particular reason walked up to the window and found the following quote posted there...

The Lord is My Pace Setter (Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, Joanna Weaver)

The Lord is my pace setter...I shall not rush
He makes me stop for quiet intervals
He provides me with images of stillness which restore my serenity
He leads me in the way of efficiency through calmness of mind and his guidance is peace
Even though I have a great many things to accomplish each day, I will not fret, for his presence is here
His timelessness, his all importance will keep me in balance
He prepares refreshment and renewal in the midst of my activity by anointing my mind with his oils of tranquility
My cup of joyous energy overflows
Truly harmony and effectiveness shall be the fruits of my hours for I shall walk in the Pace of my Lord and dwell in his house for ever.

Change and Trust

The other day...I soaked up a little sunshine on the bike path. With my headphones tuned into Christian radio...I rode along the river. Far and away where I feel closest to God in the city. On more than one occasion I have hit the concrete with something unsettled...some days it is even undefined...and yet I always ride back...with answers...often not having to ask the exact questions.

With the bike path before me...it was one of those unsettling mornings. Someone has entered my life that could potentially bring unexpected change...significant change. "Change"...there's that word again. It seems just when the shoes get comfortable...we're ask to try on another pair. Change can be exciting...but change by definition leads to the unknown. And in the realm of the unknown...we are no longer in control.

My mind raced faster than I could pedal...I pulled over...climbed the bank...and watched the river flow by. No sooner had I gotten sat down when a wave of tears rushed over me. Where was this onslaught coming from?

Change

There are obvious reasons to be upset over what this change may entail...but those weren't plaguing that morning. I had been riding on the waves of excitement. What was it then? What was I afraid of?

I have recently gotten comfortable in my calling to this ministry. It makes sense...it fits...I've started seeing results and receiving blessing. But as I sat on the banks of change I realized it isn't leaving "comfortable" that was troubling me...no...it was the fear of misjudging God's will. I was always the daughter who when learning to drive the tractor wanted dad to remain in the buddy seat round after round, ensuring I was getting it right. Sometimes I wish God was as obvious in giving instruction from the buddy seat..."turn right here, make this adjustment, watch me." Instead...He gives us prayer, discernment and guidance from the Holy Spirit...which have always proven more than sufficient...but requires much trust through the change.

I watched the steady flow of the river...the unchanging nature of it all. Sure the water will rise and fall but it steadily continues to flow.

From my daily devotion..."For the believer, then, the question is vital: Is our God the Lord of change? Will he be with us in change, especially when it strains our trust to its limit? Ironically, while we trust him with our eternal fate, we may find it difficult to trust him for next month's car payment, a new relationship, or an unexpected turn in our lives. The assumption that the Almighty is unacquainted with the complex people he has made keeps us hanging onto bits and pieces of our lives, deceived by Satan's ancient lie that God does not want the best for us.

In a threatened world, in the kaleidoscopic whirl of our life patterns, it can be enormously reassuring to remind ourselves that God is unchanging: "I the Lord do not change" (Malachi 3:6). "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8)." (Change and Trust, Gini Andrews)

God isn't unexpectedly changing the plans He has for my life. Instead he's revealing the plans He has had all along.

Friday, May 9, 2008

a dream clutched too tightly...

A couple years ago...I remember driving along the country road shortly after the reality hit me that I was actually going to get a divorce. "How did this happen...what wrong turn did I make that I ended up here...I can't believe this is actually happening to me." The strange part of the timing of it all...was that I was coming off of my first Christian conference where a level of understanding in which I'd never had before had clicked. And truthfully I had the words "God hates divorce" running through my head, but being so new to faith, I can't say they actually penetrated. I knew I was losing my old dream...and latched onto this new concept of Jesus.

Bonnie Keen performed during the conference. I still remember the exact spot where I stood when she played "Issac" as I stood there...eyes closed and weeping...hoping no one around me would notice...as her words flooded the room...

"I have a prayer as pure as gold, that where you lead me, I will go. And I'll not miss the impassioned plea when your sweet spirit calls to me. And in that hour, and in that time when I must lose my will in Thine. Oh my allegiance will be found the day I lay my Issac down. Grant me a faith beyond all doubt whose flames of hope cannot burn out. Let mercy flow and grace abound the day I lay my Issac down..."

The song continued...but my thoughts remained idle. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his precious, beloved son...and Abraham willingly laid his Issac down.

I don't think God would approve of me getting divorced. I do think he allowed it because of our hardened hearts...in which we are equally to blame. It is not the route I would suggest anyone follow as I have a much deeper understanding now in trusting God through the storm and watching him perform transformational miracles in relationships. Nonetheless, it was the path we chose.

After our decisions were made and the line was drawn in the sand, God began revealing to me how I had never invited Him into my marriage in the first place and how I had held things and people of the world above Him. And where had it gotten me?

Broken...alone...searching for purpose...heartbroken.

As Bonnie's lyrics filled the room...I heard the plea...when His sweet spirit called to me. And in that hour, and in that time...given the choice...to lose my will in Thine.

I wept...but I surrendered.

Laying down my Issac was so clearly laying down my "dream"...this image I had always envisioned for my life.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Mark 8:34

A few weeks later as I read through the lyrics on her CD, I noticed Bonnie had shared an entry from her journal before the song..."A dream clutched too tightly becomes an idol."

I played that song until it became ingrained in my soul...until I could play it from the melody in my heart...

It took much time and healing to understand all of the circumstances and decisions that lead me to contentment in exactly where I stand today. Just as God intervened with Abraham and Issac...He intervened with me. It amazes me each time He takes me to the point of absolute surrender...only to be delivered.

Sometimes we don't comprehend the path laid before us...and we can't see beyond our earthly understanding...but occasionally when we remain faithful through the storms...God delivers us...blesses us...and reveals a fragment of His heavenly plans.

I share with you a picture of my wedding dress...which is now circling villages in Zambia...blessing brides who never before imagined wearing such a gown.


What or who is your Issac?