a dream clutched too tightly...

A couple years ago...I remember driving along the country road shortly after the reality hit me that I was actually going to get a divorce. "How did this happen...what wrong turn did I make that I ended up here...I can't believe this is actually happening to me." The strange part of the timing of it all...was that I was coming off of my first Christian conference where a level of understanding in which I'd never had before had clicked. And truthfully I had the words "God hates divorce" running through my head, but being so new to faith, I can't say they actually penetrated. I knew I was losing my old dream...and latched onto this new concept of Jesus.

Bonnie Keen performed during the conference. I still remember the exact spot where I stood when she played "Issac" as I stood there...eyes closed and weeping...hoping no one around me would notice...as her words flooded the room...

"I have a prayer as pure as gold, that where you lead me, I will go. And I'll not miss the impassioned plea when your sweet spirit calls to me. And in that hour, and in that time when I must lose my will in Thine. Oh my allegiance will be found the day I lay my Issac down. Grant me a faith beyond all doubt whose flames of hope cannot burn out. Let mercy flow and grace abound the day I lay my Issac down..."

The song continued...but my thoughts remained idle. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his precious, beloved son...and Abraham willingly laid his Issac down.

I don't think God would approve of me getting divorced. I do think he allowed it because of our hardened hearts...in which we are equally to blame. It is not the route I would suggest anyone follow as I have a much deeper understanding now in trusting God through the storm and watching him perform transformational miracles in relationships. Nonetheless, it was the path we chose.

After our decisions were made and the line was drawn in the sand, God began revealing to me how I had never invited Him into my marriage in the first place and how I had held things and people of the world above Him. And where had it gotten me?

Broken...alone...searching for purpose...heartbroken.

As Bonnie's lyrics filled the room...I heard the plea...when His sweet spirit called to me. And in that hour, and in that time...given the choice...to lose my will in Thine.

I wept...but I surrendered.

Laying down my Issac was so clearly laying down my "dream"...this image I had always envisioned for my life.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Mark 8:34

A few weeks later as I read through the lyrics on her CD, I noticed Bonnie had shared an entry from her journal before the song..."A dream clutched too tightly becomes an idol."

I played that song until it became ingrained in my soul...until I could play it from the melody in my heart...

It took much time and healing to understand all of the circumstances and decisions that lead me to contentment in exactly where I stand today. Just as God intervened with Abraham and Issac...He intervened with me. It amazes me each time He takes me to the point of absolute surrender...only to be delivered.

Sometimes we don't comprehend the path laid before us...and we can't see beyond our earthly understanding...but occasionally when we remain faithful through the storms...God delivers us...blesses us...and reveals a fragment of His heavenly plans.

I share with you a picture of my wedding dress...which is now circling villages in Zambia...blessing brides who never before imagined wearing such a gown.


What or who is your Issac?