God has thoroughly amazed me once again. In a Beth Moore Bible study I completed awhile ago, I remember her saying that we are always trying to put God in a box. We learn something about him and then we draw the conclusion..."ok...so that's the way God is" when instead we should reach a verdict that more closely resembles..."God is this way...and more."
Journaling tells a pretty fantastic testimony. As I browse through the pages of my life the past few months...amazed is the only word that begins to summarize. One by one I raised my requests to God...
They started with desperate pleas...I was feeling completely and utterly inadequate for my position...and I watched as he helped me understand "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart." Psalm 51:17. I read through the pages of this broken spirit being laid before him...and watched him restore a new found strength and confidence...in Him.
I kept reading...as I asked to understand love in a February entry: "I wonder if I can truly love on this earth, until I fully realize what it means to love and be loved by the Father. I see one theme standing out to me lately. It is one of obedience." And I referenced two scriptures:
This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. 1 John 5:2-3
And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. 2 John 1:6
While the concept of obedience vs. love did nothing for the hopeless romantic in me...I committed to walking in obedience...on my search to walk in love.
Amazed I was the sunny morning on the bike path as I tried to make sense of different relationships I had recently experienced with people. One person in particular it became evidently clear...had been put in my life for a moment...so that I could experience the heart of God. When you are so dedicated to pursuing God's heart...God's heart can't help but radiate from you. God knows I learn much better from example...so he allowed me to experience it. As this realization flooded over me...I smiled...and found peace. I obeyed...God showed me love. Furthermore, if I find myself being loved...it will only be because they have fallen in love with the only part of me worth loving...God...in me.
And finally...a late February entry...I watched myself surrender..."I've been fighting. Fighting letting go of old dreams, holding onto an image I painted of myself. Fighting who you say I am, of what you say I am capable of in you. I've been fighting. I'm scared. Scared I won't be happy - scared I won't be successful or capable - scared I'll always carry regret. But all of these worries and fears have brought me what? Turmoil. Father on my heart this morning is simple...surrender. Surrender to my calling...surrender to your will. But most importantly...surrender to trusting you. Trusting your plans for my life are greater than mine. Surrender in you I find peace. Surrender."
It was a pretty cool feeling in church yesterday when the pastor asked us to write down our fears on a sticky note and attach them to a cross at the front of the sanctuary. And literally...I sat there and tried to come up with a fear..."I've always feared failure...but I've failed so many times this past year and God has seen my through...I'm no longer afraid...I used to fear vulnerability...but God has given me courage...I was scared of being inadequate...but God proved that I was when left to my own strength but I can do all things through Him...I used to fear not knowing where my life was heading...but I now completely trust wherever He is taking me. I used to fear regret...but no longer hold onto it. Hmmmmmm....I guess I'll just sit here and praise Him for answered prayer."
A friend of mine said he prayed a specific prayer for me the other night...and to remind him in a couple months to tell me what he prayed...if I forget...someone remind me to ask...to check in to see...if I have another answered prayer.
No comments:
Post a Comment