Christmas...for me.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I remember how much Good Friday impacted me this year. It was the first time I experienced Easter weekend fully realizing the impact of Christ's sacrifice...and what it meant to me. I imagined standing at the foot of the cross as his mother did...absorbed with grief...while others scorned him. I imagined how much his words spoken from the cross would have penetrated me. I imagined darkness falling mid-day...as he breathed his last breath. I imagined being consumed by the loss...he willingly endured. I'm not sure I would have found the strength to move in those moments that followed. Amidst my reflections...I somberly left the evening church service into the darkness...it was the first time I realized what Jesus had actually done...for me.

As this holiday season crept upon us...I wondered how Christmas would feel.

Earlier this month, the Rock Island Teen Director, Chris and his wife had their first child...a precious baby girl named Jada. Tiny fingers...tiny toes...wide eyes...filled with innocence and dependence. Perfectly emulating the true miracle of new life.

This past Saturday night, we had a Christmas party for the 5th-12th grade youth. The center was packed...with 70 kids in the house. When it came time for message...the ice storm outside helped us keep our attendance (the rougher youth have a tendency to walk home vs. staying for message)...Chris began by holding up a picture of his baby girl. Of course the room was at half attention...some ears honing in...while others scorned and scoffed at hearing the Christmas message. But, he went on..."honestly when I look at her...I'm not sure I could give her up. I'm not sure I could sacrifice her...for people who don't understand...people...who don't even care...but that is what God did...when he sent his only son."

For the first time I considered how much God must have loved Jesus...I imagined Mary first peering at that precious baby boy. I imagined his tiny fingers and toes...his wide eyes...his dependence and innocence. But then I paused...and I imagined his purpose. Sent to walk among us...sent to die for us. Chris's words came back to me, "I'm not sure I could sacrifice her...for people who don't understand...people...who don't even care." As I looked around the room...I realized it was full of these people...but as I reflected...I realized I used to be one of them. And that precious child was sent...to die...for me.

In the midst of his torture...in the midst of his sacrifice...from the cross...Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Luke 23:34

This is Christmas...for me.

Go to the people

I'm excited to reach a vision that hasn't yet been defined. God has His hand on this ministry. No one involved will deny that. But where is He leading? Our souls have been shaken. Charity deemed unacceptable. Our hearts stir. We're not called to justify the ministry...we are called to strengthen a community.

The following poem is used as a philosophical guide to those working on Christian Community Development.

Go to the people

Live among them
Learn from them
Love them
Start with what they know
Build on what they have:
But of the best leaders when their task is done
The people will remark "We have done it ourselves."

We are called to help a community strengthen themselves.

Wait for the Lord

"Wait for the Lord: be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

"This ministry...these kids... isn't what is going to burn me out. It is the feeling of mediocrity." Myself and the Moline Children's Director sat in the van...in the parking lot...solving the world's problems...yet again. Our nature is strikingly similar in some respects...one being the perfectionist nature that lies within us. Are we impacting lives...are we impacting enough lives? Will we really live to see a difference in these kids?

I read another article from my now favorite Youth Worker Journal which stated: "I'm sure all of us can remember an incident in the last month where we were asked, "How many youth do you have in your youth ministry? But how many of us can remember the last time someone asked, "Where are you and your youth spiritually?" Would we even know the answer?"

I'm not sure that I would. At minimum, I'm not sure that I would like my answer.

We had to put Ebony on suspension from Teen Staff due to a lack of respect and responsibility. In the end, I shared much frustration for her over the situation. But then I paused and asked myself how much have I poured into her? I have taken much of her spirituality for granted; after all, she is Teen Staff. And I’m responsible for K-6th clubs, full of chaos and stress which I expect her to help plan and prep for. But, do I ever pause long enough to pour into her?

Sometimes I think those in ministry feel the busier we are and the more we do, the more we are serving. But I've come to find out...when we don't wait on the Lord to fuel us...we end up spitting out fumes. Anyone can review a children's sermon, stand up and deliver the message. But are we willing to slow down...open God's word...and allow Him to give us the words to speak?

When I left Romania, someone asked me what I would miss the most. “The pace...I’m going to miss the slower pace.” I responded. I still remember the first day I spent back on U.S. soil. Walking outside and taking in the sunshine...feeling the gentle breeze...enjoying the natural blessings of the day. It is a constant battle for me...the pace of the world vs. God's steady stride. Occasionally, I’m gently reminded...to wait for the Lord.

Faith so small...

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20-21

I still remember what it was like the day I posted signs at work to help promote the shoe drive for Shoes for Orphan Souls (through Buckner Orphan Care International). I had only recently heard about the organization and the mission after briefly tuning into the local Christian radio station. I was barely flirting with the idea of Christianity at that time, but knew that I had to take action for the cause.

I'm not a nervous person, but I quite likely shook as I was taping up the signs. After all, they stated we were collecting shoes for Romania's orphans...to show the love of Christ. "Please contact Brandy." I returned back to my cubicle...fidgeting.

"I can't believe I just hung that up...what are people going to think...they are going to think I'm some weird Bible beater...it's not too late to take it down."

"No, I believe in the cause...and I'm not supposed to be ashamed, even in my workplace...I am going to leave it up."

Looking back, I still remember the weakness of faith. Faith so miniscule, some may have questioned its existence.

One Year Later...

Thursday, October 19th 2006

“Sitting in O’Hare airport, an hour and a half before we board. I can’t believe this trip is finally here. God is good. Everyone is great and brings their own strengths and weaknesses. I can’t wait to see how everything unfolds. I have no doubt there is a child – a specific child in Romania for each of us to impact. Lisa told me on the bus that she wanted to sit by me because I was so excited and it would rub off on her. But I did get a wave of sadness thinking of the reality of what we will face. How will I not bring one home? Lord give me the strength.”

One Year Later...

Saturday, December 8th 2007

A few guys from a local church were completing work projects in the youth center. “I recently traveled to Romania” one of them stated. “Did you go with WDLM?” I inquired? “Yes I did.” This spawned a wild fire of stories. When he started talking about Zau, a very special orphanage that tends to capture everyone’s heart, I watched as a smile crept upon his face. “There didn’t happen to be a little boy there named Dode (Dough-Dee) was there?” “I never would have remembered his name, but yes, he was actually in my group.” He responded.

Rewind...

Thursday, October 24th 2006

“We visited Zau Orphanage today. I can’t help but to have taken in the surreal moment...sitting in an orphanage in Romania sharing my testimony and the good news of Christ. It felt so good. The girls were quiet at first but did ask questions. Three all asking the same one: How do I get Jesus in my heart?” Dave, Beth and a few others have talked to me about my job and my future. I know they believe that I have a heart and a future for orphans. I know they are right – but I do not know where. This I turn over to God. One little boy today stole my heart. Very quiet, but he came over to join me and a couple of the girls. I watched him on and off all day. When it was time to say goodbye, I was losing it – and gave out all my hugs and turned to go to the bus – and there he appeared out of nowhere armed with a hug and a beautiful smile...giving me just enough strength to board. God Bless and keep them all.”

The last hug I received from Dode.

And to think it all started with faith...as small as a mustard seed.

Hurry Over

Sometimes we are best to hurry over.

When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight." Joshua 4:1-3

Imagine standing on dry ground...where moments before a river had flowed. "Take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan." The middle is an interesting place to pause. Middle by definition is in-between: being neither at the beginning nor at the end in a series. Halfway...often a place of sudden doubt and indecision.

It was this message that fell on my ears a few weeks ago during my Bible study. I still remember on the short drive over...asking God to give me peace on a specific issue...and then arriving to hear this message.

In between the banks of the Jordan...certainly a place of doubt and indecision. Gazing ahead to the unknown promised land...yet glancing over their shoulders to the security they were leaving behind.

"Now the priests who carried the ark remained standing in the middle of the Jordan until everything the LORD had commanded Joshua was done by the people, just as Moses had directed Joshua. The people hurried over." Joshua 4:10

Sometimes when we are contemplating the unknown promise of the future...or returning to the comfort of our past...perhaps it is best that we too...hurry over.

"And the priests came up out of the river carrying the ark of the covenant of the LORD. No sooner had they set their feet on the dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before." Joshua 4:18

Perhaps He is holding the waters just long enough...for us to cross.

Adjust to a new light

13 kids...1 weekend...no power...new light.

When you walk into the darkness...you can not see. Yet the longer you remain...the world around you slowly begins to reveal itself.

"Follow me...and stay connected" I encouraged the kids as our night walk began. "But we cannot see" they fearfully exclaimed. "Then you are going to have to trust me."

Bundled head to toe...we set out for a night walk throughout camp. Over stumps...under branches...through the woods...into the darkness.

Slowly...our eyes began adjusting to our surroundings. "We’re starting to see better" they excitedly exclaimed.

I think following Christ is a lot like a camp night walk. At first...darkness...unable to make sense of circumstances you can't possibly understand...faith...choosing to trust beyond what you can see...and light...slowly allowing the world around you to reveal itself with a different glow.

Turns out our night walk prepared us for what the rest of the weekend would bring...an ice storm and a loss of power and heat Saturday afternoon through Sunday morning. In the darkness...we could not see. But by the flame of 2 fireplaces...beam of 3 flashlights...and tiny flicker of battery powered tea lights for the kids...we adjusted to new light. (With all of the creativity and improvising we could muster)

As the lights clicked on after we were packed and ready to head home Sunday morning...you would have thought the kids endured World War III as the “battle stories” of survival were shared.

“Brandy...can you play “How Great is Our God” again? I love that song.” This coming from a kid who scoffed every time I asked them to sing...you never know where God is at work.

Learn to allow the faint light of the moon to guide you vs. waiting on the sun to shine.

The rest...is up to you

Retreat – haven, hideaway, sanctuary, refuge.

There is that anxious feeling brewing this morning. When the clock strikes 5 bells, the bus will depart from the youth center to pickup kids for a weekend winter retreat. Regardless of how many you have confirmed, you never know who will actually attend until the bus is camp bound. We are taking a group of around 15 5th & 6th graders. We purposely target a smaller group of kids, to create a more intimate atmosphere at camp.

“Don’t worry about creating the right spiritual atmosphere Brandy, camp will do that...you just have to be open and willing to share God’s word.”

This month’s scripture theme at the youth center has revolved around getting connected:

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

Lord, apart from you, I can do nothing, especially with my limited understanding and experience. I will plan the retreat and walk up in front of these kids to share your word...but you’re going to have to do the rest.

Sing for Joy

I naively came to Christ. I surrendered my life unaware of the sacrifice it takes to follow Him. That is the truth. I surrendered my life...because everything I had poured my soul into...and put my faith into...had not given me peace...

Happy is temporary. Joy is lasting. My happy came and went with circumstances. I did not know joy. In grim circumstances...when happiness flees...joy is coveted. One morning I heard a promise...joy delivered through Christ...where do I sign?

There are days I feel I should have read the fine print. :)

Today is not one of those days. Today is a day when the joy is living so active inside me...I can hardly keep it contained. Today is a day when the sacrifice required seems miniscule in comparison to the joy living within.

Sacrifices will vary...

...but the joy will remain.

A woman shared during my Bible study this morning that her sister is so close to coming to Christ because she is in desperate need of hope, but she is not sure she is willing to surrender everything to Him. This is when it hit me...this thought never even crossed my mind...I simply jumped after the promise of joy...

...and praise God every day since then that I received it.

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14

Give Thanks

"Thank you for this food." A simple prayer...often skipped completely...or spoken routinely. But have you ever paused long enough to consider the value?

"Is there anything I can be praying for you?" I asked my 5th and 6th grade discipleship group. "Yes...please pray for food...we don't have any in the house...and can't afford anything." After the prayer, I took her aside to speak with her. "Dad started a new job and doesn't get paid until Friday." I had one thought...Friday...was painfully after Thanksgiving. "How would you like if I dropped off a Thanksgiving basket with plenty of food for the holidays?" I inquired. "Really Brandy...you would do that? Thank you so much!" She grabbed a hold of me with a hug. Thanks to our Moline food pantry...this became a reality...for a family who tries...a family who works...a family who came up short...a family who may have paused long enough to give genuine thanks this holiday season.

There is much I want to teach these kids...but every day they continue to teach me.

Slow down...count your blessings...give thanks. Happy Thanksgiving!

From burdens to bridges

"Sometimes I feel like I was called into ministry too soon"...I admitted to my boss. And I do. I was just beginning to get my feet wet into what it meant to be a Christian...when I jumped into the fire.

I've been battling with God recently. On a very personal level.

John Perkins spoke at the CCDA conference, and as he referenced a child whom he'd lost before his time...he said that it was ok to be mad at God...He can handle it. I'm not sure mad is the right word...but it's not wrong either.

I received an email with a picture message that has stuck with me...an individual carrying his cross...and as the burden got too heavy to bear...he would cut a piece off to lighten the load...a little further down the road...as it got rough...another piece would come off...this happened several times along his path...until the burden wasn’t so heavy to carry. But as he reached the end of his road...he came across a deep ravine that needed crossing. He watched as others around him used their crosses as bridges to pass through to the other side. However as he threw his across the ravine, he realized due to his lightened load...it was not long enough to cross. He had endured an easier journey...only to miss the destination.

When I'm being tested the most...I am careful of my prayer life...not for a lighter burden...but the strength to carry my cross...as it was given.

More than a book

Every Wednesday morning...I make the short drive to church...to attend a women’s Bible study alongside many other women from different walks of life. As we wrap up a 10-week study...I reflect back on the journey and learning process I'm completing. How does each study continue to meet me where I am...and directly relate to my circumstances? As we share around our tables...it is evident that it has met all of these women exactly where they needed to be met. This divine reality never goes unnoticed. I'll never forget the first time the Bible became a living word in my life. In the prior days...the Bible was merely a book...a book of old rules...a book of old words...merely a book. I remember watching the elderly people I knew reading it...and wondering why they continually read it...knowing full well they had read it before. That was before I realized that those words...are never the same twice.

I'm currently reading another book...peppermint-filled piñatas...which illustrates how to move from simply tolerating people to loving people (even the difficult ones). The author shared a story of his encounter with a young gas station attendant who had begun passing his late night shift by reading a recently acquired stolen Bible. The question was simple...the answer profound. “Do you believe in God?” to which the attendant responded an answer the author would never forget “I never did, but now I know he is real because he is speaking to me through the Bible."

...more than a book.

Smile

This photo simply leaves you with that warm feeling...that is worth sharing...with the gentle reminder...to smile.

(Thanks Amie for sharing)

A Friend like Him

One of the more humorous descriptions of God came from a good friend of mine..."He's like an imaginary friend for grown-ups." While it demonstrates unbelief...the quote has brought much laughter between us.

When I first made the choice to follow Christ...it did seem like a black and white decision I came to..."yes...I choose to believe without proof." But after making that black and white decision...my faith began filling in with color.

Before you come to have a personal relationship with God...it may seem feasible to reduce Him down to an imaginary friend. However, my belief is no longer solely defined by a decision I made early one morning. My belief is solidified by Him...and His active presence in my life.

Through many tests and trials, I have caught myself wrestling with unbelief...and I’ve learned to openly give that up to Him...and seek His assistance.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" Mark 9:24

I’ve also had the joy recently as I work through my Bible study to look back throughout my past and witness “His thread” along my life. Each time He allowed me to fail...helped me succeed...sifted where I needed sifting...and gently restored my brokenness.

And that my friends...is not imaginary. Blessed are those with a friend like Him.

I was blessed

God's blessings never come in the packages we expect...or follow the timelines we set...

because God's blessings surpass any dream you felt like dreaming...outshine any day you felt like singing...

God’s blessings don’t leave room for error or wonder. It was Him.

God’s blessings lead you to your knees...once again divinely amazed by His goodness.

Today...I was blessed.

She's Gone Country

Awhile back, I started listening to Christian music more than any other genre...but truth be known, country runs in my veins. On occasion...my dial would lead me back home. But have you ever realized how depressing country music can be? I had been on a several month hiatus from country...doing the Christian thing. And Christian music doesn't let you stay down...even in the troughs...you learn to stand on hope. But this country deal let's you wallow. And I wasn't ready for wallowing...flip that dial. Tried again a few months later. Nope...not yet. But this week...I needed my fix...and I listened. Perhaps I hit some upbeat songs...or maybe I'm in a happier place...but I've gone country once again. Love Christian...but I'll always need my country. :) Cleaning my place...rocking out to Mountain Music...never felt so good. Oh I know someone hears me.

Bible study again this morning...talked about reframing our past...with God in the picture. Oh what a different picture that paints. We can't help but remember our pasts...our hurts...our shames...but once we have given those over to God...we no longer need to wear our reproach that is attached to them...for He's already worn it for us...and might wonder why we are wearing the same thing. God is good. All the time.

Without love...it's just the law

Tyvon is not moving...at least for now. I'm getting to know his mom and his grandma better. Getting in with the kids is relatively simple...tearing down the walls to get closer to their families is a bit harder. A parent once told me that you love anyone who loves your kids. Hope this holds true.

In a Beth Moore Bible study last week, Believing God, she talked about the heritage you leave your kids. “Without the love...it’s just the law.” She was referring to how we should raise God loving, God fearing children. Many kids will take the fire insurance...anybody can be scared away from hell. But they need to understand that if they miss His love...if they miss His grace...they’ve missed it all...they’ve missed life.

How are you doing?

It was a question I was asked yesterday. But not in the generic...not really wanting to know or even waiting for an answer sort of way. But in a "I know what you've been through...how are you actually doing" sort of way. Truthfully it was the first time in a long time that I slowed down long enough to consider it.

The rest of the day I played the question over and over again in my head. Simple enough question, I could even count the hundred times throughout the day I was asked it. But this one...was different.

It wasn't only me wrestling with the answer that captivated me. It was the feeling that someone genuinely cared to wait for a heartfelt response.

It has me thinking...what a simple gesture we could all mimic. Taking the time for compassion...taking the time for people. Slowing down our business to actually find out...

How are you doing today?

One of those nights

I've been trying to form words for my feelings...but how? I drove home tonight knowing I should be in tears...but unable. I drove home tonight wondering if I've grown detached...but heartbroken. I drove home tonight...and the garage door closed behind me...and the tears exploded. I hit my knees on my garage floor - Lord no child should endure this.

When it's late, and you're spent...and you just want the night to be over. You have to muster from somewhere inside that loving voice..."come on guys...get back in the van...we'll go on an adventure." They are locked out. Their phone is shut off. Their neighbor will not take them in. Their 9 year old brother tries to stand up as the "man of the family" and decide where they should go.

I return to the center...three kids in tote.

"It's one of those nights Brandy." "Oh no...what's going on?"

"One of those nights" is our seemingly popular tag line...which usually means that it is going to be a late one. Late...for a variety of reasons. "You won't believe who just walked in...Dude." "Dude" is a name Chris and Willie have given to a few different kids...who show up randomly...usually have deeper issues going on...who will add several hours to the night...who we never turn away.

We know sometimes our patience grows thin. It is unpredictable the night or the hour they will walk through our doors...but it is in these nights...in these hours...they most need to experience His love. God...give us the strength.

A lot like the weather

"As we think about having a Godly reputation, is there anything I can be praying for you about?" I ask.

Tyvon's 3rd grade hand shot up..."Yeah...that we won't do drugs." "Do you know people that do them?" I inquire. "Yeah, outside my house they do all the time."

Quite frankly, I already knew this - he certainly lives in one of the more "active" corners of Century Woods. But...I guess I didn't realize that he would know the difference. Kids aren't as naive as I'd like to believe. He put in a bad day today, but that was obvious when he walked in...often times whatever is going on at home...is somehow painted on them when they arrive. A side of him surfaced that I had never seen before. Even the best behaved kids are still affected by their environments. Each time this reality hits me...it stings all over again.

"Brandy are you dressing up for Halloween?"..."I don't know - what should I be?"..."You could be a mustard seed!" Dakari responded with a big smile...as he remembered our "faith as small as a mustard seed" message from weeks before.

Sometimes there is a steady breeze...while others it comes and goes with the storm. Some storms never seem to end...while others are followed by a rainbow. Emotions are a lot like the weather.

The Blogging Network

Thank you! I want to take a moment to jump out of my "deep thoughts" and simply pass along a genuine thank you to all of you who faithfully...or occasionally...read this blog...and for those of you who continually pray on my behalf. I know I would not remain faithful or capable if it was not for His power...and your committed support.

Often times you leave comments or send an email that changes my day...giving me that needed boost to know that I'm not going at this alone. I've received comments from people I don't even know...and I'm humbled to think there are people reading my inexperienced perspectives and somehow being blessed...whom I've never met.

Thank you.

Last week in St. Louis provided many late night conversations with my aunt and uncle who took us in for the week. They are faithful readers (and sometimes critics) ;) of my blog. I admitted...often there are times late at night when words pour out of me...and "Publish Post" is the last action I take before collapsing into bed. On more than one occasion, after posting a controversial topic, I wake up at the crack of dawn with panic...and consider deleting the post before my unsuspecting readers know the difference. However, so far...all postings remain.

I appreciate your grace as I'm sure I've struck some nerves. I'm still learning and my perspectives are growing - therefore I'm sure even I will look back and argue against myself in some areas and re-convict myself in others.

My genuine thanks...

So...I'm a Youth Worker

A strange transition has occurred. It is as though it just dawned on me...I'm a youth worker. I know...I know...7 months in and I'm just now figuring it out? :) But I have to admit...yeah, I kind of am. I think up to this point it has been all about survival. Or maybe I was approaching it like it was this good deed that I needed to get out of my system (not to belittle God's calling) :) But something clicked at the CCDA conference and has continued upon my return.

As I lay down the YouthWorker Journal (apparently that is what youth workers read)...something in me tingles. Holy Cow...I'm a youth worker.

Tomorrow WDLM leaves for Romania...the same mission trip that I took last year that changed my life. I spoke with Dave Jolly today who is leading the trip, "Is there anyone you want us to try to find for you?" "Yes...at the baby hospital...see if you can find Zena Rostas...she will be around 4 years old...just love on her awhile." It is impossible to even imagine them half a world away seeing...holding...loving...Romania's jewels. May blessings rain down.

What breaks your heart? Mine was utterly shattered in Romania...but again when my eyes were opened to the realities in Rock Island. Often laying amidst your broken heart there in lies your calling. I initially assumed missions, 3rd world conditions...orphans...but have since then come to understand it is simply broken for the hurting...for the hopeless.

But I no longer see hopeless...I see endless potential. As I sat today playing Connect Four with the little guy that broke out the Sunshine van window...I saw an innocent little boy vs. the terror that nearly scared me out of CF, it hit me....so...I'm a Youth Worker.

What If

What if you're right
He was just another nice guy
What if you're right
What if it's true
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true

What if He takes His place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love, and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then

But what if you're wrong
What if there's more
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions down inside
That's all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more than fokelore that must be told
And retold

But what if you're wrong
What if there's more
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping for
What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

'Cause you've been running as fast as you can
You've been looking for a place you can land
For so long
But what if you're wrong

What if you jump
Just close your eyes
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise
What if He's more than enough
What if it's love

What if it's love

Nichole Nordeman

Pull up the Bootstraps

Believing God. Tougher than it sounds...even after you come to know Christ. Yes...the secret's out...I'm a Christian. So what...what does that mean? It means that I not only believe that God exists...but that I actually believe God will see me through. But do I?

After staff days...I realized that we as a staff "rolled over" when the going got tough. There were some definite things that we felt very passionately needed to change. But at the first sign of strong resistance...retreated.

Christina (Moline Director) and I returned home last night from the CCDA conference in St. Louis. CCDA stands for the Christian Community Development Association. They believe in transforming under-resourced communities. In a nutshell...stop with the charity and start empowering the community.

Urban ministry is not where I thought I'd be called. I had envisions of being called to the pits of Africa...but every day God solidifies that I'm where he has called me.

Often times my mind wanders to the greener grass..."look at that organization...i bet they have it all together...oh what I could do with them"...but I think it is in these moments God is asking me if I believe Him.

Having these thoughts...during an evening worship service...I stopped singing...sat down and picked up my Bible and flipped open to a devotional - Moses' Choice / Your Choice - "Instead of staying where things were nice and clean, prestigious and comfortable, he (Moses) chose mistreatment. You have the same opportunity to choose either a reward that stops here or one that lies ahead in a place that cannot be seen. You have a chance to choose for your sake or for the sake of Christ. It boils down to that. How will you choose? Remember Moses."

Christina and I walked out of the same workshop with that sinking feeling. "God's not going to let this one go is He?" It's time to pull up the bootstraps.

Ministry meets the Farm

"You look relaxed...have a good weekend?" Willie inquired. "Yeah I did...I went home."

There's something about the farm that will always be my refuge. With three littles tagging along...ministry meets the farm.

There are so many experiences to be had outside the confines of city life...especially for these kids. They are amazed by everything - and I do mean everything. From seeing field mice...to standing under a million visible stars.





Ok...so the stars thing still gets me too. :)

"Can we stay longer?...When are we coming back?...There's your dad...stop - we've gotta give him a hug"...

I'm not sure who the visit did more good.

The Whoosh

"i done mad alot of changes fareal belive me *luve u brandy*"

Should I translate? I just finished a six week bible study with a few Jr. High girls. One is Ebony's younger sister...and let me tell you...she's a pistol. Mom and dad stopped by the youth center during one of our studies...and in the few minutes that I was giving them a tour...Candace managed to attempt to break into the cash register. Mind you this was about week 5 of our Bible study.

During the last night I told them to subscribe to my MySpace blog and I'd summarize what we had covered in our study of the Prayer of Jabez. Candace added me as a friend today...with the above comment. "I done mad alot of change beliieve me." Many might wonder what she's saying. Simply said...she's trying.

Her MySpace name is currently *candace has accepted jesus back in her life*

Her tag line is "Roll,roll.roll yo blunt twist it at the end lite it ^ and take a puff and pass it to a friend"

She's a perfect example of the kids I serve. Accepting Jesus...talking about rolling a blunt.

There's that clear picture of the tightline these kids walk. I've got my work cut out for me with this one.

She called me tonight..."you picking us up for church tomorrow?"..."I can...but we're trying a new local church in Rock Island"..."yeah...we'll go."

The other night she asked me if I'd pray with her to repent for her sins. You got it sister. "I felt a whoosh come over me as we prayed"..."that's the Holy Spirit my dear...I don't want an excuse of what you can't be...in Him...you can be anyone...you can be different...you can be great."

I'm going to do it

"Brandy I want to get to the point where I actually want to go to church, but it is hard...some days I just don't want to get up. And I want to wow people in track this year...like I did last year, but then I let everyone down because I didn't feel like going after school every day so I quit. And I want to keep my grades up - but I'm in the habit of skipping school occasionally or leaving early. It is just hard to make myself do it."

To which I replied...

"Ebony, do you honesty think that I get up jumping for joy to go to church every Sunday? I'll let you in on a little secret - I don't. Some mornings I'm exhausted and simply want to sleep in...or I have a hundred other things I could do...but I don't...I get up...and I go to church...and usually those are the days when the sermon really hits me and I find myself thinking...alright God...I see why you wanted me here. What you lack in all of those areas of your life is self-discipline. There are some times you have to decide to do things...even when you don't feel like it. You need to decide right now that you're getting up for church...that you're done skipping school...that you won't quit track...and then remind yourself of this oath when you're tempted. I admit Ebony - you have it harder than I did. I had a father that would whoop my butt if I skipped school and I flat out wasn't allowed to quit anything I started...so I didn't have to be completely self-disciplined...but you do...so what. You set the bar for yourself and don't sell yourself short. Ebony you can do anything that you put your mind to...and you will do amazing things in Christ...but it means not selling out for mediocrity...it means stepping up and taking control of your life. You can be anything you want to be...but you've got to get yourself disciplined."

"I want to Brandy...I'm going to try."

"I don't want you to try Ebony...I want you to do it."

"Ok - you're right...I'm going to do it."

Christian vs. Christ Follower

The most popular resistance to my faith seems to be the argument that many Christians are hypocrites...or judgmental...and there is the popular stance against organized religion.

They are currently playing a short comic video series at church. It is the "Christian" vs. the Christ follower. It pokes fun in a resemblance to the PC vs. Mac commercials. The "Christian" painting the perfect exterior picture of what being a Christian should look like...while the Christ follower is more concerned with actually following Christ.

Many times when these arguments are brought up...my frustration lies in the fact that I agree with them...but lack the words to explain...it is in this agreement for which my faith stands.

Some people get it wrong...some churches get it wrong. Often people get caught up in the exterior...and don't realize that God is looking at the interior. Some churches preach a doctrine so far from the Bible that I wonder if God recognizes Himself as they pray to Him. And yes some Christians are hypocritical and judgmental.

But I wonder...when I'm in front of God on judgment day...what he's going to say any of this had to do with me...and my faith. You see...when we get up there...it's not about them anymore...and truthfully...it never was.

Some people get it wrong...some churches get it wrong...it is more important...that you get it right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since this entry was semi-controversial – I’ve edited it for clarity.

I do not want to take away from my love or importance of the church. Instead I hope these thoughts simply help shed a different light on faith for those whose may have been tainted.

They were supposed to stay

It seems the families are always looking for a way out...a better solution...a better life. They tend to move around a lot. Typically these moves are not across town...but down South...or Chicago...or today...it was California. They move to family...escaping this life...to find...I don’t know what...perhaps a new start...a different reality...a better life. Aubrey and his sister Kayla moved a few weeks ago...to stay with family in Chicago. This reality hasn’t set in yet...my first buddy at CF is gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again.

Today while picking up the twins for small group...Tyvon wheeled up on his bike and gave me a hug...followed by the dreaded words,“I’m moving”. “No you’re not” I argue for the sake of denial. “Yeah I am, in October, to California with my sister to live with our grandma.”

This one breaks my heart. Tyvon holds that special place...that I’m not sure how to fill when he’s gone. I didn’t expect this in this job. The kids were supposed to stay. I might see them through heartbreaking situations...but they were supposed to stay.

Then we could give it to Africa

I'm thirsty...I'm hungry...when is this going to be over? Three impatient children sit next to me as we wait for the Watoto Children's Choir to take front stage. Watota which means "The Children" in Swahili, performed a Concert of Hope under the stars outside a church in Rock Island. Beautiful Ugandan orphans dance and sing to a soulful blend of native African rhythms, contemporary gospel music and ethnic dance. These children lost one or both of their parents to AIDS and through their performances raise awareness and support for their country. The energy they exhaust is unbelievable.

The entire time I watched it, I wondered how I could get a group of our kids in a choir, tailored to their culture. Afterwards my Executive Director's wife who has a dance/choreography background ran up to me..."I’m ready to lead a choir like that...you find the kids and line up the details...and I’ll do the choir."

Over Taco Bell later that night (kids can only hold out for so long)...I inquired, "Would you guys be interested in being in a choir like that...and if you practice enough, maybe you could do some performances to raise money" "Yeah...and then we could give it to Africa!" they responded with excitement in their voice and a taco in their hand.

That’s enough of an impact for me.

Something Big

How am I supposed to lead others and motivate others when I myself have been deflated? This is the question I've been wrestling with for the past few days. Life in ministry has its definite highs and lows. When you feel so passionately about what you are doing...the lows sting that much more.

As I started to wallow in my own misery...feeling sorry for myself...justifying my mood...I round the corner in the center..."Brandy" Tyvon cheerfully greeted...and ran into my arms. Instantly the anxiety that I'd been hauling around for three days...allowing to consume me...drained.
I started another Beth Moore bible study this week "Believing God". In all of my frustration...and desire to give up...I keep hearing Him say...don't you believe me? And the truth is...I do. That's what drives me through the troughs...He dreams bigger than I dream. He's capable of more than I'm capable.

John Waller's song, Something Big is the melody playing in my heart.

I want to see something I’ve not seen
Something so big
I want to be a part of something great
Greater than me
It's time to dream big dreams...
to see your vision become reality

Cause its for you...and by you...and those who love you...
want to do something so big...
it's destined to fail without you Lord

It's gonna fail without you Lord

Something so great...
it takes a miracle to do
Yes we your children want to do something big for you.

Something so big.

Staff Days '07

We've all heard of those companies...organizations...and churches...who came to a point when they realized they could no longer continue as they had been and still accomplish their mission. Usually if we are hearing about them...it is because they used this moment to redefine themselves...get to the grass roots of what they stand for...and break the mold into new territory. We've seen businesses climb out of the trenches...and churches grow to the thousands.

It humbles me to be in one of these moments at Christian Friendliness. An organization founded in 1936 by a woman I don’t even know...but love...because the moment you enter CF...you know her heart.

I don’t know if we’ll grow to the thousands...I don’t know if we’ll climb out of any trenches...but I do know we are getting back to what made Miss Betty cross the wrong side of the tracks...open her Bible...and change a life. We’re getting back...to hope.

Coexistence

We attended a church service, the Sunday morning we awoke in Minneapolis. The church holds a Hip Hop service every 3rd Sunday of the month...and we were visiting on the 4th. We still went in with high expectations...as the pastor is known across urban ministries as a powerful leader with cultural relevance...and Pastor Efrem Smith did not disappoint.

I still remember quite vividly the church service I attended in Romania...in the Gypsy village...amongst the poorest of the poor. It was held outside, under a vine roof...with a message that required translation...in a town without running water...homes without doors. Yet they gathered...in gracious harmony...praising God. And I remember thinking...of all the grand churches I've seen...the different services I've attended...this one...speaks.

I had the same feeling walking out of the Sanctuary Covenant Church that Sunday morning. Color...age...sex...income...deemed irrelevant. A picture of the multi-cultural body of Christ.

So many hopes were born in us during that trip...most of all...the affirmation...that it is possible.

Yesterday Christopher and Ebony (Teen Staff) and I strolled downtown Davenport. We meandered outside the Figge Art Museum, the sunlight on our shoulders. As we walked, large billboards caught our attention. We stopped and took in the peculiar piece before us...and drew closer to read the excerpt below:

“White against black, Christian against Jew, Moslem against Christian, human against human. So much hatred and so little coexistence. We have come to a time in the history of the world where we need to rediscover the path to peace, and the path to peace can never be war! This pathway is lined with the concept of coexistence and co inhabitance of the world.” ~Archbishop Desmond Tutu

We weaved our way throughout the exhibition. Some pieces humored us...some confused us...others captivated us...but in the end...they all spoke of coexistence.

I would encourage all who have the chance, to visit this exhibition while it remains in the QCA.

Comes The Dawn

A poem has followed my sister and I through many trials of life. Many heartbreaks...and joys...hello's and goodbye's. It has always spoken to us on a level that doesn't require words. Many times we'd dig through our files...resurrect the poem...and hit send...often at exactly the needed moment.

It came to mind today...and I found another's perspective of the poem in my search I'd like to share...
"When I first read this poem, I was married. I didn't understand it, nor did I like it. In fact, I really didn't like it. It had no relevance to me. I was supposedly happily married at the time. After my divorce, I began to understand it's meaning. I came to realize that it is about inner strength, and learning that women have to learn not to depend on a man, or anyone else, for their happiness and fulfillment. I learned that in everyone's life there are good-byes of one kind or another. We are always saying good-bye. Spouses let us down; spouses disappoint us; spouses don't keep promises. Spouses and other loved ones die. Friends move away; friendships cool, and children grow up and leave home. They begin their own lives and aren't so much a part of ours anymore. Some stay close to us, some don't. Parents do the best they can, but most of us have some scars and issues from childhood. Eventually, they leave us, also. So, we have to build our own world, plan our own lives, and learn not to depend on anyone else except God. Most of all, we realize that we can survive if we are strong. Then, anything that comes along to make us happy is just icing on the cake." (taken from here)

Comes the Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head held high and your eyes wide open.

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure,
that you really are strong,
and you really do have worth.

And you learn and learn...and you learn…
with every goodbye you learn.

~Veronica A. Shoffstall

Jerry Maguire

After I joined this ministry and got my feet wet...I kept waiting for my Jerry Maguire moment. The late night where I'd sit down at my computer and start typing...the words flying out onto the screen...a night where I’d question everything...think outside the box...put everything under the microscope... a CF transformation...

Many late nights I found myself typing...no memorandum was born.

In between introductions and visits in Minneapolis...the three of us sat in a coffee shop unwinding our thoughts. We began with threads born from our visions...entwined with our reflections from the Leadership Summit...intricately woven with our experiences in MN.

The church and community in Minneapolis personified our dream...in action. We were taken under their wings...and shown a community united...the body of Christ...working as one.

We have a week before our annual staff days to finalize our thoughts and prepare to cast our vision for Rock Island...for CF. At the Leadership Conference Bill Hybels spoke about “A Vision to Die For.” Success of a vision depends on the degree individuals “own” it.

Alone...I was never going to develop a vision that Chris and Willie would be willing to die for. But together...four hours in a coffee shop later...we built a vision...we own.

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep. I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. John 10:11-15

“I feel like we just wrote our Jerry Maguire memorandum”...”You do realize Jerry lost his job when he made that proposal right Brandy?...this isn’t going to be easy”

Interview with Rick Warren

Much to share from MN Road Trip - however received this today...and it spoke to me...perhaps it will speak to someone else.

AN INTERVIEW WITH RICK WARREN (AUTHOR OF "A PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE")

Interview with Rick Warren, author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal.

God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity. We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.

Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, "which is my problem, my issues, my pain."

But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.

We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal my wife or make it easy for her.

It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.

You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.

Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.

Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better ...

God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD

Do they know I'm white?

Christopher and Ebony (Teen Staff) have joined me on a few adventures that pulled them out of their comfort zone: from my parents' farm, to the river, to picking vegetables from a garden, to making salsa. Each time I introduce a new experience...or new location...or new people...I've gotten the same question before we go..."do they know we're black?" To which I get this panicked look in my eye..."oh man...I forgot to tell them". :) I'm kidding...although I actually have said that to them once...for a laugh...but usually I immediately tell them not to be ridiculous - as if color makes a difference.

Chris, Willie and I are taking off tomorrow morning to visit a youth center and then a Hip Hop Church in Minneapolis. We are looking to glean ideas on what's working...and see what we may be able to implement in Rock Island. Chris set up the trip details concerning the church...where he ran into overwhelming hospitality...and an invite to discuss programming, attend a Hip Hop concert and worship service, stay the night with the Youth Program Director and his wife, and attend church services Sunday morning. As I was preparing for the trip...and imagining attending a Hip Hop concert and worship service...a tiny thought popped into my head...I wonder if they know I'm white? What a stupid thought right? I let it remain a thought...but if I know Chris, had I asked...his response to me would be in the "oh man...I forgot to tell them" realm. :) I know...stop being ridiculous - as if color makes a difference.

I guess that is the difference of them being out of their comfort zone...and me out of mine - me out of mine...makes me understand a little bit better...them out of theirs. But I’m honestly psyched about the Hip Hop service!

Two Years

Monday night, I prayed a prayer in a different way than I ever have before...prompted by Beth Moore's message on Faithfulness. Perhaps I will be pointing back to this fact in the days...months...years that lie ahead.

I forgot how much the kids energize me. I decided to start a discipleship group this fall with a handful of the 5th and 6th graders. A core group emerged this summer with an amazing desire to dive deeper into God's word...demonstrating leadership capabilities. This isn't something that comes along often...especially in this ministry...it is something that you latch onto. A few of the kids were available to meet tonight so we had our first informal meeting, reviewed the scriptures where Jesus appointed his disciples, and of course ended in a fierce game of Knock Out. "I love this group"..."We should make up a rap about spreading the word...because that's what we'll be doing". Moments like these...need to be recorded...because all I could do...is wonder...why has God blessed me so richly with these kids.

Earlier today Chris and I met with someone that God has placed a clear burden for these youth on their heart...someone in a position with the potential to make a real impact. As we shared a "vision" that we couldn't even completely get our arms around...restrained excitement brewed. We committed to faithfully praying for what the future may bring...not for our plans...but for God's will...

For those of you who receive the CF Newsletter, you will see an article from Mark Drake, the Executive Director...It was 1988 when Mark was joining CF and told Miss Betty that he was only going to stay for 2 years, as to which she responded..."Oh goody...that is what I said 42 years ago!" Mark and his wife Sarah are starting their 20th year with CF. I came in with the same 2 year minimum commitment...skeptical I could or would fulfill it...to a couple months in...knowing for sure that I wouldn't...to a few more months in...simply reading this...and smiling. It does make you wonder what two years will become.

Faithfulness

Do you base your faith on what Goes does or who He is? Tonight's Bible study uncovered the depths of faithfulness.

I was recently questioned how I can claim that God never lets you down. After all, how can I explain a handicapped child...or worse...the death of a child? Quite frankly...I can't. But since my eyes have been opened to God's faithfulness...I no longer need to.

At the Leadership Summit, we met a boy who was born without eyes and with a crippling disease that robbed him of ever walking. At two his parents discovered his extraordinary ability to play the piano. This talent grew into playing classical acts and joining a college marching band, playing the trumpet, while his dad keeps formation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qTiYA1WiY8

Darkness fell across the stage...and the spotlight highlighted the piano...where Patrick Hughes serenaded us to Brooks & Dunn - Believe: "I raised my hands, bow my head...And finding more and more truth...In the words written in red...They tell me that there's more to life...Than just what I can see, oooh, I believe." Without a dry eye in the place...we didn't question why he was born this way.

Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us that God's thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are our ways His ways and just as the heavens are higher than the earth so are His ways higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

Quoting from Beth Moore: "What about those times when God does not work according to your requests or expectations? What about those times when He obviously allows your loved one with cancer to glorify Him through restoration in heaven and not on earth? What happens to your faith when a child dies? If your faith is based on what God is doing, you are in for the scariest ride of your life. We will rarely be able to perceive God's actions, though they will always and ultimately be wonderful. They are beyond our earthly understanding. In the times when He seems inactive, He may be accomplishing more than ever! You see, a "what God does" faith is really not faith at all. Although it is focused on God, it is still born in the realm of the obvious, or that which is seen.”

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1

Genuine faith is based on who God is. Tonight we were left with a thought...often times we are all for God changing our circumstances...when God is all for changing us.

You got my back

After the Leadership Summit, the staff takes a mandatory shutdown week and both youth centers are closed down. It is a chance to reflect on the conference...the summer...and take a deep breath before plunging into the fall. After a couple days away from it all...it started sinking in...I miss them. The kids...even the worst ones...I miss them.
Tonight I "cheated" and took a few to the New Windsor Rodeo...meeting my parents there.
It was a first for all of them so we did it up right with a mix of the rodeo, rides and cotton candy.

Rodeo, 12 years and under...free...
Jumbo bag of cotton candy...5 dollars...
4 sets of sticky fingers fast asleep on their way home...priceless.

"Brandy...I'm just making sure that you'll be alright taking the kids home tonight by yourself...although I know you'll say that you will be no matter what"..."Yes mom...I'll be fine."

(Although I do admit each time I pull into Century Woods I shoot a quick prayer up..."Alright God...you got my back")

Who can you learn from?

"It's my fiercest determination to keep putting faculty line-ups together that make a portion of you get your underwear in a bundle." Willow Creek Community Church Senior Pastor, Bill Hybels challenged our perceptions on who we can learn from.

Can marketplace people learn from pastors...can pastors learn from marketplace people? The speaker line up included: senior pastors, a Harvard Business School professor, a former Secretary of State, an Oscar-nominated screenwriter, and a former president, among others.

"I know some leaders who can only learn from people who are pretty much like them...think like them...pray like them...vote like them...see the world the way they do. Whenever I see a leader like that I feel sorry for the leader and I feel even worse for his or her followers."

The CF staff attended the 2007 Leadership Summit held at Willow Creek Community Church. The Summit was nothing short of phenomenal...for church leaders and business leaders alike. If you are in any sort of leadership position and find yourself reading this...simply said...go. http://wall.willowcreek.com/leaders/

Challenge yourself by asking...who can you learn from?

Goodbye Christina

"I want to go to heaven"..."yeah...me too" Christina was on her way home from church...with two very troubled boys she had taken under her wing this summer. She pulled over to talk with the boys. "Yeah...we want Jesus in our hearts"...so they prayed...in the backseat of the car...and accepted Jesus...and Christina's summer internship came to an end.

She will be deeply missed as she returns to school. I don't know another's heart so devoted to these kids. There are many lines she became known for this summer...but perhaps her most famous was "Let's go visit kids"...spoken during any downtime at the center...and away we'd go...or away she'd go...pulling into their neighborhoods...infiltrating their lives...

We pulled out of Century Woods..."I'm going to miss that place" she whispered through broken tears. I doubt many...if any...have ever said that. God Bless her.

The Greatest Compliment

A few errands...first HyVee...

"Hey Amari...how are you??"..."Good...when can I come to the center?"..."Soon...I'll call you."

Around to the back aisle..."Hi Nikki...miss camp?"..."Yeah"...she replies followed by a simple smile.

Onto McDonalds..."Selinda...I haven't seen you in so long!"

..."Well hey Daqualan...how come you didn't make it out to camp?"

..."Justice...hey man...miss camp? Ready for Friday night clubs again?"

Down to Century Woods...they take the van by storm...

"Do you want to come in and see our baby sister?" Kataya and Katia ask..."Sure...I'd love to".

In their neighborhoods...in their lives...I can't imagine where else I'd rather be.

"I think very few people are actually happy...are you happy Brandy?" Christopher (Teen Staff) inquired...I pause...exhale..."Yeah...perhaps for the first time I can honestly say that I'm genuinely happy." He nods..."Yeah...I can tell." I'm not sure I've ever received a greater compliment.

Having thrown out “success”...dwindled finances...unanswered questions...and unreached goals...

happy

...go figure.

Throw out the rulebook

God amazes me in ways I can't explain...daily. Whether that be through making my finances work...my patience grow...my perspective to change...or my heart to heal...God divinely amazes me. When you rely on the one that created you...when you surrender your life to His will...when you discover the purpose of this time...there is no emotion to explain it.

Many argue that they "believe in God"...but if you truly believe in God...does it not intrigue you to peal back the layers of mystery and discover His plan awaiting you? For what good is believing in Him...or knowing about Him...if you don't actually know Him?

I used to think it started with a rulebook...it never occurred to me to start with Him. Throw out the rulebook mentality...it's simply a time to get to know His character...His purpose...His love...His forgiveness...it's simply a time to get to know...Him.

Let Him

"One of the kids lost his bible this week...and since I had two...I gave him one of mine...and when he got on the bus...he held it up to show me through the window...and smiled." One of our counselors in training shared a moment...that makes the chaos of summer camp...worth the burden.

Anger brews just below the surface in many of these kids. Issues will arise. You learn...with God given patience...to view them as teaching moments vs. disturbances to your own plan.

God works in His own time.

Let Him.

The greatest of these...is love

Monday nights are dedicated to a Beth Moore bible study I hold with a few girls...grown up girls. :) We're currently studying the Fruits of the Spirit. The video is followed by 5 days of homework that I try to slide into my morning routine.

With the coffee brewed...I sat at my kitchen table...and scripturally walked through why my salvation is God's rather than my own...then Beth requested her readers to pray..."Ask God to show you the significance of the truth that salvation belongs to Him. After you have prayed, answer this question: Why do you think salvation is described as God's rather than yours?"

Admittedly...I skipped the prayer...and stared at my blank page. The clock ticked...I sat in frustration...just write something...get on with the routine...still...nothing. Ok...a quick prayer. Eyes back open...

What is the significance of the truth that salvation belongs to Him?

...Because he loves us more than we love ourselves. Because you and I...spending eternity in heaven...is more important to Him...than it is to us. Our salvation...is our everything...but somehow to God...it's more...because he loves us that much.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Still changing lives...

We held a camp reunion for the 3rd and 4th graders at the center. "What just happened?" Christina asked as we dropped off the last round. Good question! It was mass chaos...fighting...screaming...bleeding...you name it. I inform Chris of the disaster a couple days later. "Oh you made the mistake of thinking they were still in camp mode...you forgot...they've been home since then."

Poverty takes on many different forms. Tonight during a camp sign up...it was a house...if it had doors...I’m not sure where they were...full of bugs...seemingly abandoned...the grandmother drudgingly filling out the paperwork...cussing...irritated...while her 6th grade granddaughter patiently waited outside.

"You have to emotionally remove yourself don't you?" Christina asked. And you do...although I admit...I've laughed at inappropriate times...and sobbed just out of earshot. Overall...I have begun to understand my role isn't to take them out of their situation...but give them hope and joy...while still in it.

Another of the camper's grandmothers came into the center today to sign him up. It was her daughter that was stabbed and killed New Year's Day. She was very somber as she ruffled through the papers..."I received some very upsetting news today...I can't shake...my daughter's trial was pushed back...again." We talk...and the conversation gradually turns back to her grandson...and camp...and a smile slowly creeps onto her face..."Miss Betty was here when I used to come...what a sweet...sweet lady." Perhaps this was her only smile all day...remembering a woman that dedicated her life to this ministry...still touching hearts...still changing lives.

Many of the kids are wise beyond their years. Not sure where this will go...but Christopher (Teen Staff) started a blog...I found worth sharing: http://lifeandtestimoniesofchrisburton.blogspot.com/

Just Kids

There is value in serving...there is self-worth...in serving. For so long...the kids at Christian Friendliness have been served. Given their neglect...their circumstances...do not misunderstand...they deserve it. However...they also need the chance to serve...to be valued...to have self-worth.

Chris and I are determined to change the mindset at the Rock Island Youth Center. When you feel like a charity case...there is a good chance that will mold you into one. We didn’t join CF to mold charity cases.

Last week...I heard them being called “Hoops kids” and it convicted me...the many times I call them “CF kids” or even “my CF kids”...I think it’s probably time we just let them be...kids.

More Ovaltine Please

My mother...and my condo...make me a better Children's Director.

Some days it still amazes me that I moved to this place in Rock Island...before taking this position at CF. I couldn't have handpicked a better location for this ministry.

A pan of my mother's lasagna was burning a hole in my fridge. Far too much to eat alone as I would have tired of the leftovers by the third day. Hoops 4 Hope ended...as I pulled out of Rocky...my car turned right towards one of the housing complexes instead of left towards home. I drove through...and spotted a few of the regular CF girls...anybody hungry?

My phone rang after church today...it was Emily (wife of founder of Hoops 4 Hope).

Ever since Jabari returned from CF camp...he has wanted to go horseback riding. I've been trying to figure out how to accomplish this when they announce at Hoops 4 Hope they have a few sponsored spots for kids to go to a Christian horse camp.

"Brandy, you know how you recommended Jabari for the horse camp...well I have a spot for him...get him signed up...he leaves tomorrow."

...and he will in fact...leave tomorrow.

The kids are starting to blend into my every day routines...and it simply...fits. The first Girls of Grace night...the girls slid up to my breakfast bar..."we feel like we should be on a commercial...more Ovaltine please"...this time...it was more lasagna. :)

Hoops 4 Hope

A Rocky basketball coach’s son...with a burden on his heart for inner-city youth...found a few volunteers...and a few kids...and held the first Hoops 4 Hope basketball camp. Six years later...many more volunteers...and over 200 kids...one man's dream...became his reality. Because the camp reaches our same youth...the Rock Island Christian Friendliness staff canceled programming this week in order to support and volunteer at Hoops 4 Hope.

Christina requested we be partnered together as Huddle Manager and Huddle Leader...and requested the 4th graders. As we check the list to verify our assignments...we high-five as we discover we are paired up...then stand in disbelief when we find out it is with the 8th and 9th grade boys.

I boldly take my position at check-in...here they come...ok...I can do this. Check-in my first two campers...going to be a bit more intimidating than I intended...but if this is what you had in store for me God...ok. Then walks in Little Timmy. I should tell you...Little Timmy and I have history...the first kid I ever had to kick out of the center for kicking a basketball in my face...he's also my rock thrower that broke the glass block on the side of the building. Alright God...now you're just getting a sense of humor.

Day 2...I had a moment with Little Timmy...as he told me about his dad who had just gotten out of jail...who he hasn't seen in years...but recently called.

Day 3...we nominated him as camper of the day...for most Christlike behavior...for most improved attitude and staying positive....even in defeat.

God had a moment...with Little Timmy.

The Dream Giver

"You may not be able to describe it. You may have forgotten it. You may even no longer believe in it. But it's there."

Directly after making the decision to leave my career and enter into this ministry...I pulled a book from my bookshelf...where it had rested...unread...I dusted it off...and began to read...The Dream Giver.

I began reading...with a certain amount of arrogance...as it told a tale of Ordinary...who dared to leave the Land of Familiar to pursue his Big Dream. I related as Ordinary struggled with leaving his comfort zone and faced opposition. But then Ordinary entered the Wasteland...a place of trial and tribulation...before reaching his dream...a place of doubt. Surely Ordinary was weaker than I...after surviving the turmoil of reaching this decision...I did not have room for doubt. I marched forward...

...directly into Wasteland.

Family and friends would question my decision as they witnessed my struggles. Truthfully this fueled my own doubts...which I refused to publicize. How could I convince others what I knew in my heart to be right...was worth the struggle. Feeling alone...isolated...distant. Eventually...like Ordinary...I learned to trust the Dream Giver, even when he's nowhere in sight...

...and found Sanctuary.

I recently met with the pastor's wife of my church...to discuss children's programs and better serving the inner-city youth. What a fabulous...inspiring woman of God! She is connecting me with many other young adults and organizations with the same heart. Filled with excitement...and a growing support system...opportunity seems to be around the corner. Big things...start with big dreams.

Ordinary warns of the Valley of Giants..."Some like Moneyless were obstacles that he had to get around. Some, like Corruption, opposed his Dream and fought him fiercely. Some, like Rejection, attacked him personally and left him deeply wounded. But Ordinary met other Dreamers, too. During seasons of rest, they gathered to tell stories about the Dream Giver and encourage each other. From other Dreamers, Ordinary learned to see a bigger picture: Every Giant was another opportunity for the Dream Giver to receive honor."

Beware Giants.

Are you living your dream? Or just living your life?

The Dream Giver ~ Bruce Wilkinson

A Smile Like That

What makes you happy? Is it possible to be happy...irregardless of circumstances? Up to this point in my ministry...I've focused solely on inspiring these kids to see a different way...in hopes they'll choose a different life. But what if they can't escape their circumstances? What if they remain in poverty...surrounded by violence and despair...can they too be happy?

In preparing for a message this week...I stumbled across the following story about Allison...a girl in a youth group in California who went on a mission trip to Mexico. "When she got there she was astonished with the poverty. Allison grew up in a home where she had everything. She had tons of clothes and tons of spending money, even enough to support her little drug habit. But here in Mexico she saw little children covered in dirt, playing in the same clothes every day. Despite their surroundings, these children had the biggest smiles on their faces. Allison spent the week with them, watching these children come to the small church in the village and laugh and sing songs, praising Jesus' name. Allison couldn't understand why these poor children were smiling. What did they have to smile about? Allison did understand one thing. She had everything she wanted, and she DIDN'T have a smile like that. But she wanted it. So right there in Mexico, she got down on her knees in the dirt and gave her life to Jesus."

Nine kids came to Christ last week during an evening club after message. It was an amazing night proving you just never know what God has in store. One by one...their hands went up...all of them after...a smile like that.

Equipping the Called

Every morning at camp...I'd run up to Jabari exclaiming that I needed my morning hug. By the end of the week...he was running up to me. I ran into him today at the center...the Martin Luther King Center rents our facility for their day camp...and a few of the CF kids were there. Jabari instantly dropped his dodgeball and ran off the court into my arms. "Jabari...I've missed your hugs" He smiled..."Three actually...there's a hug for Saturday...Sunday...and today...I miss camp" he stated. My heart melted. I love these kids. I do.

Somewhere between the chaos...the hate...the anger. Between the need...the love...the joy...they've won me. They're in my heart...they're on my mind...they're my CF kids.

I feel like I've crossed over the first major hurdle...that test of faith...when it was easier to back down...than to press on. I remember the night I was brought to my knees...spent...exhausted...overwhelmed...done. I rememeber thinking...this is when they quit. And a thousand excuses crept in my head to justify how me quitting would be different...would be excused. But I couldn't convince myself that God had removed this calling from my life. Fine...I'll stay. Each day I'm discovering the truth behind the statement...God doesn't call the equipped...he equips the called.

A small town farm girl surviving the streets of Century Woods...believe me...it must be the case.

Room to Work

Loving them...tested me...at times...in ways...I never imagined.

I'd never before witnessed so much anger trapped in so many small children. I'd never been so frustrated with all of them...and loved them at the same time. I'd never been yelled at...put down...or disrespected so continually and willingly went back for more.
I'd never shown love to a child...and realized from their eyes it was perhaps the first time they'd received it...I'd never given so many hugs...or got to love on so many children...I'd never seen a child's life transformed.
Then I went to camp.

My heart smiled each time I witnessed these kids being kids. In the canoe...catching the fish...playing the games. Sometimes you had to steal quick glances for the moment would pass...but every moment was worth it. Camp is beautiful...a refuge...away from the concrete...away from the violence...away.

What transforms a child...full of hate...making threats...hating camp...hating us...to requesting a bible...and weeping because she doesn't want to go home? I think it is simply making room for God to work...and there's a lot of room...at camp.

Love Them

I leave for camp tomorrow with my 3rd and 4th graders. With 40 signed up...I can not wait to get them all out there! Before pick-up the in-town staff meets with the camp counselors to help prepare them for the kids and “turn the kids over”. The counselors are responsible for discipline, leadership, etc. during camp week. As hard as it might be...I take the backseat.

How do you prepare camp counselors for these kids?

“When I started CF...when you started this internship...you heard a few stories of what our kid’s home lives were like. Perhaps that was a mother passed out...or high...constantly screaming...perhaps it was random meals...if any meals at all...or perhaps it was abusive and violent. I’m coming off a week of camp sign-ups...where I visited the inside of many of their homes...met their parents and guardians...and experienced their life on the inside of their walls. And I want to make sure this point isn’t missed...those stories...became realities. I don’t know what our kids will go through this morning before they get on that bus...but when they do...we have a chance to make their day different. We have a chance to give them a week like no other they’ve known. Perhaps we have a chance to change their life.

Christina and I held a park program last week with a few of the kids that will be going out to camp with us. And much of what we had planned out so perfectly in our notebook...looked much different in the park. At first it was difficult not to get frustrated...but as God usually does in His way...let me know...“It is only important that those kids see you love them. They might miss the message...they might not play the game...but none of that will matter...if they see Christ’s love...in you.”

Make no mistake that many of these kids might be difficult to love much of the time. They will be ungrateful...they will be disrespectful...they will cuss you...they may hit you...they will hit each other. And if you react in the same way...it would be deserved...and probably would not surprise them...but love them...keep loving them...and that...will amaze them.”

In Their Shoes

Summer programs are officially in full swing. Moline Senior High left for camp tonight. God Bless the camp counselors!

After our program Saturday, my intern (Christina) and I hit the streets again pushing camp sign-ups. It was late afternoon by the time we entered Century Woods...and it was busy. The Saturday night hustle and bustle beginning...the cops making their rounds...and us. As we left the security of the Sunshine van...we shared nervous glances...and I'm sure both thought "Here we go". But we didn't get only a few steps away before we had our own little entourage of kids..."Come sign me up, I live over here". We followed one kid after another into their homes...each one a different experience. It is flooded down there with kids and innocence...equally with crime and cruelty. We pulled away...happy...ecstatic even...but with the heartbreak settling in our bones...of the reality of their oppression. So much oppression.

The Moline Teen Director told me very early on that I will gain a whole different perspective on life while ministering to the least of these. Opinions...judgments and criticisms are easy from the outside...but things look so drastically different on their streets...in their homes. I don't agree with the way some of them live their life...but it is different...in their shoes.

One Forgotten

I had a K-3 club tonight and had just gathered the group into the big room for message. The phone rang and I reluctantly ran for it...most nights it is too chaotic to deal with the phones...but tonight I did..."Brandy...are you coming for pickup soon?" I wearily respond..."pick up is over...we're almost done with club"...a pause..."you forgot me". My heart sunk. When I returned to center tonight with the second load - I had a weird feeling that I should have went to Century Woods - but gave my list another quick scan and all seemed accounted for. But tucked in between two names...was Jabari...who had called...who was on the list...who I had overlooked. I sat there...it was time for message...club would practically be over by the time I went to get him. As I tried to explain...disappointment drenched his voice...finally I stopped..."I'll be right there".

"Stall the message...I'll be right back" I went after one...but returned with six. What is it about the Sunshine van that attracts them? :) In the end...my pick up error fit seamlessly into my message...like it was planned all along. One forgotten...six returned...one forgiven.

What is it going to cost you?

Just before deciding to take this leap into ministry, I attended a training conference with Christina, the Moline Children's Director to test the water. During the event, a veteran inner-city youth worker spoke about what this type of ministry costs. He gave examples of picking kids up for camp...not finding them at home...hunting them down at a cousin's house...or walking down the street...unpacked...unprepared. You make a decision...you have 40 other kids to tend to...it is easy to drive away...after all, it is unreasonable to be expected to cater to this one. But...he did. On his way out of town...he found his missing camper walking down the street...loaded him up...made a quick trip to Wal-mart for clothes...and headed off to camp. He later learned that this kid had been out selling drugs all night...and still had his pockets full...but half way through camp week, flushed everything down the toilet...and came home changed for life. What is it going to cost you?

Christina and I went out to camp last night to help with staff training. We each spoke about the realities of this work. She shared what our kids will likely go through the morning of their camp...and it isn't a mother packing their bags...feeding them breakfast...and hurrying them out the door. Many of our kids will be tiptoeing around their homes...in fear of waking their mothers...who may be passed out...trying to gather their own belongings...hoping they still get to go...getting yelled at...threatened...left with younger siblings to watch...the list goes on. Many will be emotionally beat down by the time they actually get on the bus. She stressed the importance of our reactions...body language...and emotions. It might take 45 minutes to track down one child...but you do. What is it going to cost you?

They asked me to speak about sacrifice. Through this experience I've learned that one of my biggest sacrifices to bear isn't necessarily the financial end...while that is a big sacrifice...but instead simply giving up a "normal" life. I thought it was relevant for our camp counselors who may grow weary and envious of their friends who are having "normal" summers. We ended up talking to one of the counselors for an hour in the middle of the woods at 11 o'clock at night...about some tough questions she had...helping her deal with her fears and strengthening her faith. One of many unplanned...inconvenient...late nights at CF...that hopefully made a difference. Driving home...a question running through my head...what is it going to cost you?